OK...MAJOR SLIP or TWO!!! I got back last night from a trip and I was going to page my H (this is our only way to communicate; he doesn't have a home # for me) but decided I should make sure the OW was @ work first. I went by & she was at home w/ H. This morning I checked his credit card to see where he had been this weekend (I was out of town) & got an awful shock. I KNOW I deserved it for snooping!! They had been to a "fun" store & spent $95 on who knows what!!! When my H called this morning, I asked him what type of store it was, he says he went "alone"...maybe so, but I am sure OW was ready for him when he got back!!! It just kills me!!!!! I laughed & told him I wasn't mad, just curious!! He says he loves me & misses me & wants to stay together but he is still w/ OW. We have been having wonderful conversations & he mentions moving home a lot & how much he misses me & our baby. THEN WHY IS HE STILL THERE??? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME???? I am going on a business trip Friday & won't be back for a week, he talks about being camped out on my door step when I return. He said that these two weeks that we won't be able to see each other will be what the rest of his life is like if he doesn't get his stuff together. I want SO much to believe him, he has just lied to me so many times! I have been very encouraging & very positive, I just don't know what else to do!! I am about at my witts end & ready to file so I can get the heck out of town. He knows that when our D is final I will leave town to keep the OW & her daughters (one of her daughters is 14 & in jail, out in September - bad record) from being around my baby. That is no place for her to be & it just isn't a safe environment. OW has had numerous affairs; bringing her boyfriends (including my H) to the house while her H was still living at home. She is no role model I want around my child. It also makes me mad that she was talking about being her step mom BEFORE she was even born!!! OVER MY DEAD BODY!! She is a truly evil woman. His buddies from work have even tried to tell him how awful she is & how she is just going to ruin him like she has all the other men she has been with! She uses her job like most women use a bar - to meet men!!! All this from a Sheriff's Department employee!!! Such high standards!
I DO NOT want a D, but my patients is running out! I have never been very patient but this is eating away at me!!!
Quote: I DO NOT want a D, but my patients is running out! I have never been very patient but this is eating away at me!!!
think of it this way..you do not want a d right?? so if you do not want a d..then getting a d will not stop you from feeling the way you do...if it is you that is the one heading down the d road as a means to shake him up..think carefully before you take that legal action.
other than moving away (I hope it would be for more reasons than simply to keep ow away from dd) what would you be doing with your life if h weren't a part of it (other than as father to dd, cause that isn't going to change). how will your life be different if you do d...what will yoube doind...how will you live...and just start living that way.
h has some decisions to make..it seems that he is full aware that what he's doing right now is not productive...but it also seems that he is fully aware that he CAN continue to do so and you'll be there...how can you show him (lovingly detach) that you wont be without running right for the divorce?
I have tried detaching myself & he all but panics or he goes the other way...he seems fine and goes weeks with no contact at all, even to inquire about his daughter. I have told him more than once (& shown him by dropping her @ his parents & leaving and not arguing) that he doesn't have to see me to see his child. I just don't know what to do. I am really trying to carry on with my life. He pages me everynight he works & wants me to call him back. I am afraid if I don't he will think I have changed my mind about us. On his day to see our baby or on his weekend off he wants me to spend time with him??? (OW is at work when he is off) I have moved to an apartment & told him he is not allowed to visit there. I have to have a place with no memories with him. He said he understood?? What else can I do?? He seems to want things both ways. Everytime I start to feel better about life in general & that if it doesn't work, I will be fine -- here he comes again. I am planning on moving to give myself a fresh start. He doesn't help me financially with the baby, so I am on my own anyway. I don't want to be here if he changes his mind or she keeps true to her patterns & cheats on him too. The thought of the OW or her children around my baby, makes my skin crawl!! She is just awful!! I have heard nothing but bad things about the OW & her children. I love my baby more than anything. She is too little to understand, but someday, should this go on, I don't want to explain to her why the OW has other men at the house when her Daddy isn't there. I KNOW this is long in the future, but time flies!!! The challenge will be gone for her if we D. I am not strong enough to resist him. I know that. I would probibly take him right back without a second thought. A D is final.
What else can I do?? Should I tell him not to call?? Your advice is very helpful....THANK YOU!!!!
My thread is the "How to get past the sex thing". I only found out about my W's A less than 3 weeks ago, so I'm certainly no more than a rank amateur at trying to help someone else. But, here's my 2 cents.
Your big question is "Why is he still there?" Nobody knows for sure, probably not even him. My situation is different from yours, but there are a few similarities. Here's a recap. My W's A started in early Feb. She told me in late Feb that she didn't think she loved me anymore. I bought DB, read it, and started working on myself (unable to get her to make any efforts toward improving the M). Things seemed to be slowly getting better and better (more conversation, less friction, more dating, more sex, etc). Then on May 8th, I found out about the A. Through email and phone records, I found out that my W had been in email, phone, or text messaging contact with him roughly 12 times a day for about 3 months, in addition to sleeping with him several times a week. The frequency of the contacts was roughly the same throughout the A, right up to the time it was exposed. She told me that she agreed with me that things with me had been getting better and that she thought that she had been close to breaking it off with him "soon" anyway. What I couldn't understand was if she had been feeling so much closer to me, then why was the A going just as strongly at the end as it was in the beginning? Any why has it been so difficult for her to make a clean break with the OG (I have found out that she has called him several times since the A "ended", and she has been open about how much she misses him)?
From others on this board, I have come to understand that there are addictive elements to many A's. The excitement, the newness, the attention of new love is very intoxicating. They get an emotional (maybe even physical) high from the A.
I really struggled to understand my W's feelings - both for me and for the OG. I now believe both that she was in fact feeling closer to me and probably even believed that she would have soon ended the A, and that she was in many ways just as attached and addicted to the OG as ever, when I found out. It seems like a contradiction, but I think both things were true. Would she have in fact broken up with him, if I hadn't found out 1st? I'll never know for sure, but I think she would have eventually.
The point is (and I'm sorry it took so long to get here) that I don't think it's necessarily a contradiction that he really does want to get back together with you and at the same time is so addicted to the OW that he finds it extremely difficult to leave her.
I wish I had the answer for you. I'm still trying to figure out how to help/let my W get over her "addiction" problem. It's obviously much easier for me because she's still living with me. I guess I would counsel continued patience for as long as you can. It takes great strength to do what you are doing, and putting up with all of that. When you just can't do it anymore, then firmly but lovingly use the last resort technique.
Others may have better suggestions, this is just advice from a fellow struggling cheated spouse. You'll have my prayers tonight.
let him call all he wants...doesn't mean you always have to answer...and no just because you don't answer or always call back wont send him the wrong message...trust me...
my h moved out..wanted d..was in love with ow...I stopped calling him..stopped always answering the phone..did my own thing...and ta da! h is home and ow is moving away!!
live for you and dd...
don't get sucked back into his world until he's serious about it.
Addicitive elements are indeed in an A. To the hilt. The WAS wants to do what is right but the addiction to the other person takes over. It's like a drug to them. Just as addicts do things they would not normally do, so do the WAS. Everyone of us say "I never thought this would happen to us". When it does all you can do is leave them ALONE, take care of your self and DD and wait as long as you are able or willing. Eventually, in most cases the addiction lessons as our S finds out what the OP is truly like. In my H case he has tried to break it off and tried to be sincere but has turned into a liar that I cannot beleive anymore and I have lost respect for. He says he is not with her-but there is a reason he is not with me and it is certainly none of the lame ones he tries to get me to believe. I've gotten wise in this. The OW will use whatever tools she can and will be relentless in her efforts to break him away from his family. She does not care that he is torn-only that he is with her. When he breaks away, she calls and gets the addiction going again as only they know how to do. My advise to you is to leave him entirley alone-let him see the baby when he wants to-do not try to get him to. Only let him see you living your life and being independent. Will it bring him back? Maybe. If not, you will survive. If he can never completely break away from her then you will eventually tire of it all. It's still hard. You miss what was and what could have been,but I have learned we have to live in the here and now-not dwell on the "what was." To live in the here and now is to move forward with your life and to dwell on the "what was" is to stay immobile, and you need to live life for you and your D. Try to not think of them. Push it from your mind when it comes. This is hard and takes time,but you will be able to in time. Stay strong for you and your D. She needs her Mommy. My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. It has to be one of the hardest things life deals some of us. We learn quickly in these instances that it is most certainly not fair. I wish you the best of luck, Rachael
It sounds like you & I have been dealing w/ the same woman!! He tried to end the A when our baby was born & cut all contact w/ her. In her letters to him she complains how he "isn't even bothering to make time for her, not even calling" & then cuts me to shreds & makes herself look like a champ!! I was confused about myself & questiong if I was a good person, I can't imagine how he felt!! My H actually left her in March & moved to his parents (we agreed that was best before he moved back to me) and not even two days after he moved back, she started calling!! It was amazing! She has a very dominating personality & has taken all his strenght away. His Dad tried to intercept the calls for as long as he could, but he works too. I have filed a lawsuit against OW & she finally responded & BLAMED my H for the A!!!! I asked him if he knew about her response & he didn't. I showed him & he seemed shocked. I then questioned her love for him. Wrong thing to do?? Probibly. But if she claims to love him so much & wants to protect him from bad (me) then why blame him & attack his charachter in court?? He said they hadn't talked about it, but he was going to & just see what she says. She also claims "as a fact" that I have filed for D, which I haven't. Ofcourse, she says all these things & doesn't talk to him about it. This case is not good for either & he isn't too fond of it going to court because they both work for the Sheriff's Dept. I am trying my hardest to work on me & my baby has been the only light I seem to have. She is truly an amazing child! For someone so tiny, she is a lifesaver!! It is very helpful to hear that other people are going through the same thing, that I am not crazy! Our frinds & family just don't understand why it is so hard for him to choose & that I should give up since he can't or won't. I am going away for a week, hoepfully this will help to seperate us on some level, until he can pull his head out of you know where!!! Thanks for your help!!
For some one who only found out a few weeks ago, you have great insite! I am still trying to figure this all out. You have great points & I will try to hold out for as long as I can. My baby deserves to have a complete family & I want my darn H back! I know the wonderful man I married is still in there, I just want him to find his way back! Thanks for your prayers, I will also keep you & all the others in mine!!
How did you know you H was serious about it?? He has lied to me so many times, that I don't know what to believe anymore. He called this morning & we met before work & we talked a little about him coming home. I told him that I thought he needed some time away from both of us before he moved back in w/ me. That would mean he needs to move out of OW house this weekend. It shouldn't be that hard to move, all he has is cloths at her house. I REALLY want him to, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. That is very hard for me, to have no say in how my own marriage is going!! We also talked about my lawsuit against her. She finally filed a response & she is BLAMING him!!! I asked if he knew that & he didn't. He was going to question her & see what she had to say. I showed him the signed document, so she couldn't say I was lying. I know it was probibly wrong to do so but I questioned her actions. This lawsuit isn't good for either because they work for the Sheriff's Dept. I asked him why, if she loved him SO much, was she going to court to attack his charachter?? I told him I was not there to attack him, he was going to come out looking like a saint, she wouldn't. She is "justifiying" her actions by blaming him. I know he has blame here, but if she had left him alone when he did cut the ties, I truly don't think this would still be going on! She says "the truly responsible party, the plaintiff's spouse" & then tells the court how I can get even w/him.
I never thought of the addiction thing, but it makes sense. How long did it take for you H to move home? I know every sitch is different, just curious??
After I found out about his affair and he said it had been going on for over 2 1/2 yrs he broke down and cried and siad he was sorry. I pressured him in to moving back home-I thought to get him awawy from her and back with me we could work things out. Huge mistake. His remorse was short lived and 6 months later he wanted out again. I was devaasted! I had panic attacks and was off work for three months and basicaaly a basket case. Then something snapped unside me-I started getting strong. I was going on with my life-going out with friends and it took all of 2 weeks of me not ccling him before he started calling me. It was good-he was emailing me-tex messaging me,we'd go out almost every night together, and we got along great. After 3 months he moved back in. His lease was not up on his apt unitl May. In early April I started noticing him pulling away again. I tied to ignore it. As Pam says they bait you until you explode and that gives them the excuse they need to leave. He was scared of giving up his apt. I'm not sure if he was seeing the OW there or not but something was going on. I'm so tired of his lies and drama that all I want is peace and for him to leave me alon. He never talks divorce. I think if he got a divorce the OW would really pressure him to marry her and I really don;tt hink he wants any partif that. Maybe he is addicted toher sexually-I have no idea. I know it has NOTHING to do with looks.She is 5 yrs older thatn him-6 for me. She is as plain as the day is long and short and kinda pudgy. I have no idea what the atraction is. They havae known each other for yrs and I think she has been after him for a very long time. He gave into the flattery and she feeds his ego-they all do. Life in an affai is not real life. Its their escape when they are not happy with themselves. Do not underestimate the OW. They are very good at getting what they want. Rachael
