I found myself coming to this post because even though we are piecing our marriage back together and he is home and says he loves ME and this is where he wants to be,I find myself very insecure in some areas. FIrst-he said he couldn't talk to me before-he felt like his opinion did not count and that he could talk to this OW about anything. They had been friends for yrs-not seeing each other often but then after several yrs of me in depression,shutting down emotionally and physically he turned to her-just as friends at first then it escalated into an affair at some point. A 2 yr affair. That is hard to deal with. I had asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair and he denied it saying he would never have the time or energy. Then we separated for 6 months, during which we saw each other regularly and were intimant often. I did not find out about the affair until he finally agreed to go to therapy with me-3rd session it came out-I had to ask him point blank because he was dancing all around the answer. Typical respone-I blew up-called him every name in the book-HOw could you have been with both of us and lied all this time to everyone! Ended up walking out-he called me on my cell phone crying, saying he was so sorry-he never meant to hurt me-he felt awful, and that he was going to break it off. I go to FLorida on vacation with son. HE shows up for sons 16th birthday party-surprise! We are together in FLorida and ever since. He broke it off with OW saying he felt bad for how he hurt everyone. That was hard to take-that he felt bad for hurting her too. I told him she knew what could happen when she got involved with a married man. He told therapist he had figured out she was not what he wanted before he and I got back together-it took him over 2 yrs to do that?? IT tells me he was using her-she made him feel good about himself because he did not do that on his own and for the sex I think once that got started. When we had it our sex life was good-I suffereed from depression and ironically had made an appt. with a psychiatrist rigth before he left. The anti-depressants I had been on had shut me down sexually. What I'm on now has no such effect and we are intimant almost every night. I'm wondering if any of you have ever experienced this-they break off the affair-you are back together and you find sexually he has picked up some new techniques. Now he is very verbal-tells me what he wants-askes me what I want-asks me is this or that feels good. Now I know this is something he has done with her. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand-I like the verbal stuff-before we were silent for the most part, on the other hand I'm thinking what else did they do? Was it better with her? (I can't imagine!) I too have the images of them together-that is hard stuff. ALl I know is I just came out of the worst yr of my life-BOth of us are smoking where niether of us did before. We don't smoke in front of our son or our friends or family. I know why I started-nervous energy, and the fear that I can't trust him completely yet. I'm just not there even though I do beleive it is over. I'm not sure why he started. Anyway I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and I know I'll quit-I hate smoking-I hate him smoking! The hardest thing is needing that reassurance from him that he is here because he WANTS to be not because he feels its the right thing to do. That, and the need to know there has been no contact. We discussed in therapy and agreed if she contacted him he would tell me. My comment was when you see on your cell phone that its her don't answer. He says he does not think she will contact him. I'm not as sure. She is 5 yrs older that me-plain as can be and has been divorced twice and has 3 kids, a mother and a grandchild all living with her! No wonder she wanted him so badly! He was nuts for ever getting himself into that situation and admits it. He tells me he loves ME and that I have his heart. He said in therapy she would ask him if he loved me and he would say yes. I ask him if he loved her and he said as a friend and someone who cared about him. How much can you beleive? He has said no more lies no more cheating-ever. Still....I don't trust it yet but I have to act as if I do most of the time. HE is understanding when I ask him if he has had contact with her, and other questions. I could use some tips on what to do when I'm feeling EXTREMELY insecure because I have done the wrong things- like get an attitude when he tells me has a late appt. He has gone out of his way to call me and let me know what he's doing and where he will be. How long does it take for the trust to start to come back and what do you do in the meantime?? FUnny how you think when they come home all will be well-it takes alot of hard discipline and work to get through an affair. You have to forgive them. I too wanted ALL the detail at first. HE was smart enough not to answer the questions that would have done nothing but hurt me-like the sexual stuff. HE sais he would answer anything I wanted to know-but in therapy where it would not escalate into a huge fight and could be processed better. I hae chosen so far not to ask the sexual questions. THe more I Think about it the more I think I don't want to waste my time thinking about HER at all, and that I need to use my energy for positive things-like just loving him where he did not feel loved before because I was so shut down from depression. I wonder...will our lives ever feel normal again? Will there be a day when I'm not wondering if she's called him, or he wants to call her? Will there be a day that the affair never enters my mind?? IT's one long road, but one worth the effort. Through it all we never lost the love-it was just buried under yrs of hurt,depression,and anger at what we had become. I'm glad now HE's home butr afaid I'll blow it in so many ways, and sabotage the very thing I want the most-happiness for both of us. RACHEL M.
