Gypsy ----- What can I say? Thanks for the surprise - AND the good laugh!!
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Plentyhope thanks for your thoughts regarding the wedding ring. Thanks for checking to find me Gypsy - especially after the trying week you have been having.
As for me, I returned from my day away and H was very pleasant. We even followed our little pre-vacation celebration of opening the tickets with some fresh strawberries and a bottle of champagne. (This is somewhat significant because in my detective days I read an e-mail he had written to the OW to the effect that he was a reluctant participant of said ritual before the January trip and had only been humoring me.) The tickets have been on his desk for about a month and he made the overture of deciding when to open them and also brought home the strawberries.
Friday morning he told me, "You know, even if we don't stay together I hope we'll still be friends." This is a change from a few months earlier when he said he hoped we would be friendly but he couldn't see us as being friends. Of course, my overly analytic and optimistic mind focused on the more positive translation of the statement. EVEN IF? Did he mean we might stay together?
I've been waiting for the roller coaster drop, and, sure enough, this morning he told me he will be probably signing a one year lease on an apartment. He has no intention of considering MC because he doesn't want to give me any false hope.
Now, for the confusing and distressing part. When he told me he was planning on signing a lease and would be continuing to be moving on with his life he said that he had been lying about the OW. His feelings toward her had not been of a year's duration when he told me initially, but only a few months. He said he had wanted to have a physical relationship with her but that was no longer true. He no longer had feelings toward her. There had never been a relationship although there had been the potential for one and he had been interested in pursuing it.
He had told me about her in December because he thought I would be better able to accept his leaving if it were due to another woman rather than me learning that he no longer had any interest in me. He did say he has "feelings for me". (He also said that it would be easier all around if he were gay so that I would accept the situation.)
I would like to believe him that the OW is out of the picture, it might make DB'ing easier. I read somewhere that intense emotional affairs are more difficult to overcome than brief PA's. All signs point to the fact that she is in the group who go out to lunch and dinner together on a regular basis. I know to believe nothing of what MLC'ers say and half of what they do.
Please tell me to resist the impulse to become Nancy Drew. Knowing whether the OW is still in the picture won't make a difference in how I should proceed. Lack of evidence won't mean she is not there and learning that she is waiting for him will wreak havoc on my PMA.
Plenty hope, odd that he removed his ring last Sunday if he was only with his sister isn't it? When I described the relationship his sister has with H my coach characterized it as "emotional incest". She would like nothing better than to have H more to herself as her partner probably does not provide the emotional support that her brother can. My coach thinks she has been undermining my marital relationship. Today the three of them have gone to a play in a town that is 1 1/2 hours away. Tomorrow she'll be meeting him for church as well as lunch.
How many OW are out there?
This has been quite a week it can only get better.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
ISH, From reading yourpost about your H doing the celebration ritual and him saying he hopes to still be friends and the "even if" it does look like a baby step. It's strange what he said about not wanting OW. Do you think he's gay? Could he be preparing you ahead of time?
Quote:
Plenty hope, odd that he removed his ring last Sunday if he was only with his sister isn't it? When I described the relationship his sister has with H my coach characterized it as "emotional incest". She would like nothing better than to have H more to herself as her partner probably does not provide the emotional support that her brother can. My coach thinks she has been undermining my marital relationship. Today the three of them have gone to a play in a town that is 1 1/2 hours away. Tomorrow she'll be meeting him for church as well as lunch.
Yep, very odd that he removed his ring for his sister. Was it really his sister that he saw then? Who is the 3rd person going to the play today? That OW? I agree that for your own sanity, don't be Nancy Drew. It'll probably drive you crazy especially if you can't get all the facts and then resort to guess-work. -PH
Gosh, do you really think so? That makes me feel wonderful on a weekend during which backsliding was an Olympic event.
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
It's strange what he said about not wanting OW. Do you think he's gay? Could he be preparing you ahead of time?
No, I don't think he is gay, although a LOT of gay men have been attracted to him. But then, many woman have too! Have I ever mentioned that he is extremely attractive? (I think he is slightly narcissistic as a result.) I think he is not being honest about the OW. This morning I told him I couldn't remember exactly what he had said yesterday about the attraction to her being over and asked him to repeat it. When he said he had seen her through rose-colored glasses and that at one time he had wanted a relationship with her I asked him some questions to which I knew the answers. His responses were lies. He did explain why he had lied about the duration of his attraction to her to the counselor. He felt the counselor we spoke to (once) had trapped him into answering and he didn't feel obligated to be truthful. Definitely an insight into the his justification of being less than honest. Oh well, I want to believe him about the OW being out of the picture - so I will.
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
Yep, very odd that he removed his ring for his sister. Was it really his sister that he saw then?
That's what tore me up last weekend. I was sure the OW was somehow involved, or, he needs to prove to his sister that the marriage is over. Either way, he's doing it for someone. BTW the ring has been on consistently since last Sunday.
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
Who is the 3rd person going to the play today? That OW?
Sorry to be obtuse about this. This play was 1 1/2 hours North of our home. The other play with the son of the OW in a starring role was 1 1/2 hours South. The third person was the female life- partner of the sister. I don't like stereotypes, and I really do like the partner (we even have the same first names and nicknames.) She is very matter-of-fact and gruff, the sister gets the warm fuzzies from being with my H.
H will be signing the one year lease, his agenda is to "live on his own", "have his own life", "make his own work schedule", "volunteer", "take a yoga class", and "cook healthy food". He might return here to plant vegetables in our garden and visit the dog from time to time. I am grateful that he is intending to leave the door open. He made it clear this morning that I make a better friend than a lover and he is only interested in the former. (Half full/half empty I suppose.)
Nancy Drew is on break at the moment.
The one GPZ refers to as ISH
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Just chiming in to remind you to not put stock in what he says about not loving you, not wanting to ever love you again, not wanting to live with you, etc.... I heard these very things from my H...he too had an OW that he was contemplating a life with...wanted to marry her at one point...then decided not to...but he too rented an apartment for a year several hours away...he said he wanted to live on his own, have his own life, do what he wanted...sound familiar???
Today...several years after these comments...he loves me, doesn't want to live apart from me and our family again...life is good for us again...we are in love...a new relationship has bloomed for us both...so, really until it all plays out to a finality of some sort...you just never know!
Lin, Do you think the pre-S relationship has any bearing on whether it's less or more likely for the WAS to return? I noticed that you were married 24 years before the S. I was only married 3.5 years before my S. -PH
Man oh man.. do you have lots of balls in the air, with plates twirling.
Take a deep breath. Okay, another one.. hoooooooold it. Exhale. Now one more time.
Sometimes when things get to be too much I forget to breathe, which is bad. Our brains need lots of oxygen to work their best. My rule of thumb: When things get wild and I'm whirling, stop and breathe... really inhale and exhale, stretch. Regroup.
I'm working on getting my own life instead of following his. He can contact me. Even if it hurts, he initiated it. The anger I feel is a direct ratio to the power I give him. The pain I feel is my own, to express AND release.
Acting like Nancy Drew only makes me.. female doggish. Don't need that! I can sleuth, but so what? The biggest message was him leaving. End 'o story. Everything else is adding fuel to a fire.
You have such a beautiful way of creating symbolic gestures and meanings.. the rings, the strawberries and champagne. Why not try letting those go as a 180? If he's just been going along to appease you, why not stop doing it? Shake it up, baby!
It's like when the post partum depression came tumbling down and I had to go on meds which meant I had to give up nursing. That broke my heart because nursing was something I was really good at! What would I be if I couldn't give that to my daughter? I felt bereft.
But, she grew and thrived, she was well nourished on formula. And I realized I clung to nursing as an indicator of self worth. I would think, "Is this what I'd want my headstone to say?" and then try and focus on what made me a better person. I had to learn to branch out and not always rely on what was most comforting.
he said he wanted to live on his own, have his own life, do what he wanted...sound familiar???
Today...several years after these comments...he loves me, doesn't want to live apart from me and our family again...life is good for us again...we are in love...a new relationship has bloomed for us both...so, really until it all plays out to a finality of some sort...you just never know!
Lin, you are my special angel today!! Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for taking the time to read my "novella length updates" and, to remind me that all situations which might appear to be hopeless might have good endings. Today H left with the checkbook to sign the lease. Your message was the silver lining in what I thought would be a very dismal day.
I am so glad you were given the opportunity to find love again. Your story is an inspiration.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
