My thread is the "How to get past the sex thing". I only found out about my W's A less than 3 weeks ago, so I'm certainly no more than a rank amateur at trying to help someone else. But, here's my 2 cents.
Your big question is "Why is he still there?" Nobody knows for sure, probably not even him. My situation is different from yours, but there are a few similarities. Here's a recap. My W's A started in early Feb. She told me in late Feb that she didn't think she loved me anymore. I bought DB, read it, and started working on myself (unable to get her to make any efforts toward improving the M). Things seemed to be slowly getting better and better (more conversation, less friction, more dating, more sex, etc). Then on May 8th, I found out about the A. Through email and phone records, I found out that my W had been in email, phone, or text messaging contact with him roughly 12 times a day for about 3 months, in addition to sleeping with him several times a week. The frequency of the contacts was roughly the same throughout the A, right up to the time it was exposed. She told me that she agreed with me that things with me had been getting better and that she thought that she had been close to breaking it off with him "soon" anyway. What I couldn't understand was if she had been feeling so much closer to me, then why was the A going just as strongly at the end as it was in the beginning? Any why has it been so difficult for her to make a clean break with the OG (I have found out that she has called him several times since the A "ended", and she has been open about how much she misses him)?
From others on this board, I have come to understand that there are addictive elements to many A's. The excitement, the newness, the attention of new love is very intoxicating. They get an emotional (maybe even physical) high from the A.
I really struggled to understand my W's feelings - both for me and for the OG. I now believe both that she was in fact feeling closer to me and probably even believed that she would have soon ended the A, and that she was in many ways just as attached and addicted to the OG as ever, when I found out. It seems like a contradiction, but I think both things were true. Would she have in fact broken up with him, if I hadn't found out 1st? I'll never know for sure, but I think she would have eventually.
The point is (and I'm sorry it took so long to get here) that I don't think it's necessarily a contradiction that he really does want to get back together with you and at the same time is so addicted to the OW that he finds it extremely difficult to leave her.
I wish I had the answer for you. I'm still trying to figure out how to help/let my W get over her "addiction" problem. It's obviously much easier for me because she's still living with me. I guess I would counsel continued patience for as long as you can. It takes great strength to do what you are doing, and putting up with all of that. When you just can't do it anymore, then firmly but lovingly use the last resort technique.
Others may have better suggestions, this is just advice from a fellow struggling cheated spouse. You'll have my prayers tonight.
