We all feel like idiots, or at least I do. I feel like a fool. I feel like I squandered something precious. I feel like a heel. I feel bad, alone, abandoned, bewildered. I feel like I was completely left out.
But guess what, sweet petite?
I'm the one doing all these negative emotions to myself. My feeling bad, guilty, bereft doesn't change what he's doing. He's not listening, it's not even being heard. He's on his own journey and all the self flagellation I do emotionally, all my brave suffering only hurts.... (waits for the answer).. nope nope.. try again.... ME!
I tell you. I work hard on being noble, aware, thoughtful. It's like standing on a rickety rowboat in the middle of a choppy lake. I work on balancing, sometimes maintaining it, sometimes capsizing and doing an awful lot of wobbling.
I am not perfect. He is not perfect. I have no control over his actions. I can only work on living my life, unearthing everything I've put aside in my effort to please the man I viewed as a demigod. Viewing him that way was a mistake, unless I made myself a demigoddess, which I didn't.
Oh, Lord.. help me rrrrrrrrrrrrrip open this naughahyde binding of subservience and self doubt to reveal the shining brilliance of my sparkling essence. Help me believe that what is within is true and wonderful, good and compassionate. Allow me to use the positive force within me for good. And every day let me give thanks for the joy life has to offer.
Ms. imp.. feeling is good, even if it makes you sad. Allow it, feel satisfaction in releasing it. Then get up and do. Wallowing in sorrow will eventually create a cesspool to tread in. Goodness knows, I spent enough time in that warm, murky, why-does-it-smell-so-bad place... and it stinks!
