Waw At full speed

[tomcat65]

25 years mlc,That post was great.Yes W said I was always critisizing her and I hurt her.She didnt want to live with the pain anymore.I was in depression so ireally didnt pay enough attention to her I was just trying to make it through one day at atime!About the 180s Im already being treated for the deppression,something i never would have done before,When me and W talk,i would get agrivated before,we havent fought one time since this started.Im trying to change everything i dont like about myself,and its going good sofar.Only real problem is when I do get a chance to talk to W,I get real nervous because i dont want to do anything stupid.I have thought about the test part,I think she did that the first 3 weeks after this happened,I failed,I was still pursuing ect.Thats when everything went downhill fast.W went to the lawyer right after that and moved in w OM After that she started getting real distant,cold ect.Also my childrn have not seen us fight at all.They try to be supportive of me they know im still trying to pull my family back together,and your right thats the way to teach them a good lesson.Thanks again very much 25

[25yearsmlc]

Tom,

You're welcome. Still need some more info. Do you and your w both work outside the home? Is your disabled son going to live with you forever, or will he be able to be in a group home of sorts? How has your wife handled his condition(s)? Any financial issues? How long have you been depressed and how are the meds working?

What is your impression of the OM? What does she SAY about him, if anything? Does she say how he makes her "feel"? It's a cliche, but that's b/c it really happens a LOT. "He/She makes me feel special" or "He/She accepts me for who I am." "Appreciates me", etc. And don't underestimate the value of familiarity and being comfortable with someone. Yes "new" is exciting, but it's also stressful and there are certain things only YOU know about her and it isn't all fun for her to have to "re-teach" the new guy that she, for instance, hates shrimp, or her dad was an alcoholic, etc. doesn't like the way her back side looks, which cologne smells good to her, etc. Memories will re-surface and not just bad ones. Plus, unless OM is actually perfect (which he can't be, since he is dating a married woman, mother of 3) he will have some faults you do not have. You won't lose on every comparison. It's impossible for you to lose on all counts. Let alone family reminders of good times and bonding moments.

What would you do differently if you could go back in time?

Sometimes I'd shake my head when my kids would ask wth was going on. I'd shrug as if to say, "he's not thinking straight right now" although I didn't say it outright like that. My d19 said (at age 17) that she knew what was going on; h was "being selfish." S21 (then 19) said the same thing.

Still, we all want to love and look up to our parents and find the good in them and there IS a lot of good in their dad. His MLC didn't bring out the best in him but did bring some good things out in me. You can choose whether you'll grow bitter, or just grow. And even though I detest the phrase "kids are resilient", b/c I think it usually precedes a selfish rationalization, it is still true. They also are forgiving. Or want to be. It helps them to see us do the forgiving, b/c how else will they know how to do it?

Keep on keeping on.
j-

[tomcat65]

25 years,yes me and W work outside the home,me full time W had two part time jobs,total of 45 hours a week.Long story short W lost one of the jobs,and they cut her hours at the other job.Because she tried to quit but had to crawl back,now she works between 16-24 hours a week.My s-20 was only diagnosed 1and a half months ago with bulged back discand spine degeneration.The docs told him he had spine of a seventy year old,we are currently waiting for second opinion,because the first said he might lose partial or all loose of one leg.W doesnt even talk to him,if she does you mention it a week later and she doesnt even remember it mostly.I have saved my house,it was going to forclosure 20 days after W left,I didnt even know we were that far behind,W did all the bills.Lights were going to be turned off % days after W left ,got that taken care of,almost all set,but it will be tough finishing it off.Been depressed for about two years,going to counseling now for a month ,toke me that long to get an appointment,meds are well,just jittery sometimes.But feeling much better!!!Only thing I know About OM is,she used to date him in high school,he is a biker.Other wise she doesnt say annything about him at all.But Om is on disability cause of a bike crash.Owns his own house.And has been divorced for about1-2 years not sure on that one.What I would do differenlywould be,make sure i am always willing to listen with no attitude to W.Be much more patient,which i am now,and make her feel more appreciated.Take care of myself,i didnt before,sure am now!!!I am trying to be the best person i can for my family,its tough but ikeep trying.Dont drink so much,hardly drink at all anymore since this happened,figure it would only make things worse.Thats all ican think of for now,thanks so much again,25

[tomcat65]

25 it is late for me i work second shift,you have a wonderful way with your writing!!Thank you for making me think so much!You are very thoughtful!I hope your M works for you I have know Idea how you can be so strong when I wobble all over the place.You can not believe how much help you been so far.You have made me type things that I didnt really know how to say it!I guess i feel ashamed that i could let this happen to my family without even seeing it!Thank you for taking the time to post to me when you are trying so hard to save your M.It means a lot to me!!I wish you the best,you are so straight forward.I trying to be the same!Just like I used to be!Thanks for all the help!! HUGS MIKE

[25yearsmlc]

hugs right back at you Mike.
jeannine

[25yearsmlc]

hugs right back at you Mike.
jeannine

[kturnernc]

Jeannine, you have some wonderful posts. The info is very helpful. Thanks for sharing. I just stopped by to check on you Mike and see how things are going. I noticed that you had told me to come read jeannine's post. Glad you did.

I hope all is going good for you today my friend. My thoughts are with you.

[tomcat65]

Well slight up date,My middle son ran into W at the store where she works.Guess it got a little snippy,about all the friends he had coming over to the house thursday for a party.Already approved by me two days earlyer.Long story short I would never Have allowed that before.But now with all the work i have done on myself.180s i dont mind it at all actually enjoy the people Another 180.W came out and told son I should stop trying to act like somebody else!!Made me laugh at first,but really cant quite figure that one out.Im just trying to be happy,be the best person I can possibly be right now.Does W think this all an act or something,i certainly dont know.Talk later Mike

[addie]

Keep doing your 180's. It's common for the WAS to think it's an act or a way of trying to get them back but if you keep at it your W will eventually see that you have changed.

[25yearsmlc]

Sounds like she IS noticing the 180's and can't figure them out. If you're supposed to be a stick in the mud, "un-fun" guy, how can you let your son have a party and be happy? Oooops, you're countering her negatives with the new you. Or maybe this is the "real" you without a critic around (?)

Either way, the good news is that the change in your life that you did NOT welcome, (like having an OM) had at least the positive influence on you being ablt to assess how your attitude affected others around you. And their feelings about being around you. So, you're working on it. A problem that's being worked on, isn't a problem anymore.

With time, your W will see that you are not acting like someone else. You are changing/improving as a man. She may wonder if it's unfair that the "new you" will be a great catch for the next woman and that she only got the depressed version of you. This actually is a common complaint of WAS's, i.e., that the LBSer finally "gets" it and makes the changes that the WAS wanted for so long. But that goes both ways. In reality, if the changes each partner makes ARE real, then the actual remaining problem is simply one of forgiveness. Meaning, if the spouse (say H for example) is behaving in a way that the W finds to be a deal breaker, then often the W will leave the M. THEN the H sees he's lost his W and "wakes up" and changes the deal breaking behavior, so you'd think all would be well. But some WAS's wait so long to leave that there isn't anything the LBSer can do to make up for it and therefore the M really is over. In those cases, you can only hope the W warned the H that she'd leave if the behavior continued, but sometimes the W (in this example of course) waits until there is NO love in her heart, and then she leaves. So she has no motivation for "working" on things, or forgiving. THIS presumes a M that had mostly onesided problems, which is not your case, since your W has OM in her life. Then the "awakened" spouse has to hope with enough time, the WAS will see that the changes are real and will allow old feelings of love to resurface. The "old" love can only resurface and be acknowleged when the spouse feels safe to do so.

I'm babbling on and my point really was that you're doing something right and she IS noticing. Keep it up. If she confronts you with "Why are you doing such and such, or why are you doing it NOW?", you can say that you do recognize your role in some of the M's issues/problems and you'd do things differently if you could and you are. IF she says "too late now" (which may mean she wants to punish you more, or "teach you a lesson") you can say "that's too bad", which it would be. Or better yet, say it's "never too late" for YOU to work on YOURSELF because you want "to be the best man you can be, regardless" of where she is or what she's doing. Stay upbeat.

Interesting also if she seems to want to teach you a lesson---yes that's punitive in a way. But it's also her way of testing the changes to see if they're real. Maybe you were a drag to be around, or really hurt the kids or hurt her with the critical comments you admit having made. (That's a great insight and a great starting point for you). If you were half as critical as you recall (and unfortunately you were probably more critical than you recall) she probably doesn't feel safe around you yet.

If You ragged on her, that can and will eat away at her self esteem. And as a mother it'll worry her about the kids' welfare, emotionally. So Give her time. Give them time. The kids WANT to see the best in you. Let them. They'll pass it on to her, believe me. Plus, she'll want to believe it, at some level down deep. Mothers want their kids to feel loved by their dads (unless the mother is a narcissistic witch, in which case you should sue for custody and move on....but guessing that's not the case though)

Look, as far as teaching you a lesson, checking for changes, etc. Basically, you HAVE learned your lesson!! Steal her thunder, and counter those negatives without arguing them. "Yep, I was too critical. I was down on myself and took it out on you. But I'm different now, I'm SORRY, and I'm not doing that anymore..." Then prove it. What can she say then? (If you've already apologized, repeating it now and then or when it comes up isn't a bad idea but you do have to project the belief that it's over, you apologized and you're following through with real changes. At some point you'll know when you've apologized enough and as long as it isn't false pride dictating, then trust that feeling and keep on with the new you.

Demonstrate that when she's around the new/real you, she's not going to feel bad anymore. On the contrary, you're her friend, the loving strong father of her children, a confidante, and eventually you can be a lot more. Give it time. Learn patience like you never thought you could. Keep up the good work.
(( j- ))