Better late than never?

[jon2911]

W called lonely at 4:00 AM, we had a great time discussing plans for the weekend. We're both really looking forward to it. Things went well until she said "I want you to know that you've ruined my friendship with Angela."

Angela is W's best friend from college, and they were our best couple friends. W has cut herself off from anyone who disagrees with her decisions, and only has a few friends who don't know me, already hated me, etc. Angela's husband has been messaging me on Facebook asking for updates, and I've been telling him some general info, that things were improving, the ways that I'm working on myself. Nothing negative about W.

Recently Angela has made it clear to W that she disagrees with the divorce. I'm so torn about what to do. Angela's husband is a good friend of mine. When they started contacting me, I told them W might not be happy. They said "we have a relationship outside of anything to do with your marriage."

W wants me to stop contacting any of her family or friends. The family I've agreed to, and most friends, but these are mutual friends who reached out to me. I made a quick comment that W just wants a one-sided argument so that everyone will agree with her (this is something my counselor sees her doing, and wanted me to mention to her). She hung up on me. I called back and apologized immediately.

She brought up again that I'd snooped and snitched to her dad, and that I didn't think it was wrong. I agreed that it was wrong, apologized again, and told her that I'm trying to make amends however I can. That's one of the 12 steps, and I'm in the program and she knows it. I thanked her for letting me write to her dad and clear things up.

She said "well, speak your peace and be done with it. This weekend is the end. We should have ended this quickly and quietly like I wanted to. I need to know that you'll give this up."

How do I respond to that? W is convinced that our divorce won't be messy like it was for her parents, that it won't hurt everyone around us. The situation with Angela should show her that's not true.

I'm getting such mixed signals here. I can tell she wants to come back, but she feels betrayed and can't trust me again. I found a song today that helps me understand somewhat. It's from a wife to a husband who struggles with porn addiction, which is one of the things I'm getting help for. The last part especially got to me:


Is it Me?
I can't breathe
This can't be happening to me
Was everything we had just a lie?
I believed while you deceived me
Faithful while my love was being violated
Nothing is the same
Nothing to hold on to
Where's the man I knew a day ago?

Is it me? What did I do?
Am I not enough for you?
Is it me? Was I wrong?
I believed our love was strong
Is it me?

I feel sick. Has it really come to this?
Didn't what we have mean anything?
You lied to me while you lay with me
What am I supposed to do with all the dreams you shattered?

How could you do this to me?! I can tell you're sorry
Don't touch me! I need you to hold me
Who's going to comfort me now? Who's going to comfort me now?
You disgust me! I know this isn't like you
It's over between us. I hope you still love me
I hate you! I hate that I need you!
Only God can save us
Only God can save us

[jon2911]

W called me at work. She got an e-mail from Angela and wondered if I'd e-mailed them first. I told her I hadn't, and that I'm not going to. She could tell my voice was sad.

"Don't act sad and like you're surprised. I told you when I first found out about this that it broke our trust. Did you think I was just talking about family?"

I told her yes. She specified that she doesn't want me talking to anyone whom she knew first. Direct all questions to her. This is a fairly complicated setup, because we had a ton of mutual friends in college.

Then we started talking about the weekend again, and things lightened up. "How can we go from angry to sensual so quickly, but it works?" She asked.

I'm going to talk to her again in a few minutes, make it clear that I feel terrible about the betrayal, and that making her look bad is the last thing I want to do.

[MichelleLT]

DETACH! There is probably very little you can do right when she gets in one of her moods - and there are probably a lot of them as she is riding a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, throw in some depression and denial and you've got a mess going on in her head. It's not your mess though. So focus on what you can control - you. Keep working on the issues you have acknowledged, make your interactions with her friendly and pleasant, and VALIDATE her feelings - even if you don't agree with them, she has every right to feel that way.

Don't get focused on the D. She filed once and let it lapse. If she brings it up this weekend, some common responses I have seen are "I only want you to be happy", "If you need to do that I will not try to stop you", stuff along those lines. If she accuses you of impeding her or slowing things down, just tell her that you do not want a D so you will not be involved more than is necessary.

I hope that helps. Tell me if I'm way off and you think she'd respond badly to stuff so I can try and better tailor to your stitch.

Hang in there.

[jon2911]

DETACH! There is probably very little you can do right when she gets in one of her moods - and there are probably a lot of them as she is riding a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, throw in some depression and denial and you've got a mess going on in her head. It's not your mess though.

Michelle,
That's all great advice. I'm planning to give her a great date night tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to make all the plans and act "as if". With the angry phone calls and e-mails I'm questioning this, but I'm tired of being back on the roller-coaster. Hopefully this weekend will go well, she'll go back and be miserable in Houston, and I can detach and work on myself some more.

[MichelleLT]

I hope you have a great night. Keep up the positive mental energy, it will show! But remember, no expectations. You are on fragile ground, and she is in a fragile mental state. Try not to take anything negative personally.

You may find these insightful and helpful. I know you have found a lot of articles and things on here, but in case you haven't seen these:

This is the six stages of mid-life crisis (MLC): (there are a few people on here who think their SOs are in quarter life crisis and your W may be) http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=423996&site_id=1#import

And these are the 4 stages of DB:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1396819

In my case, I think of my H as having built up resentment and anger for a couple years before hitting his breaking point. And when they do, they go from overlooking their own needs to being completely selfish. They also go through a period of denial where they won't admit what they are doing, to themselves or to anyone else. It does pass eventually, if you ride it out. That's why the first step of DBing is to lessen negative emotions.

[jon2911]

Michelle,
Thanks, will get right to those. I'm becoming convinced that MLC is in play here, even though she's only 25.

I have Divorce Remedy, but I haven't read all of it. When I first came here in November, it was LRT time, and things looked completely hopeless. Time to read the rest of it.

Jon

[MichelleLT]

I also struggled with that. I read DR twice all the way through and was frustrated at the number of things I couldn't even try. I was in LRT too, by default, and I couldn't do anything but. However, it helps to read the rest of it and see what the next steps might be. It will definitely help you in your interactions with her.

Especially the chapter on MLC and depression if you feel those are factors in your W's crisis.

Have a good weekend!

[jon2911]

Michelle,
I'm going back and reading through your sitch and the letter you sent. W says the same thing about me, that I don't know how to apologize. Maybe a letter would be good later.

She was very cool this weekend, kept saying things to try and get to me. She said there have been breakthroughs with her headaches, and she's doing well at home. I tried to stay detached. Taxes went well Saturday.

She called at 1:00 AM Sunday morning because she was having terrible nightmares. These are connected to her headaches somehow, possibly because she's in so much pain that her brain can't rest. She'll talk to her doctor about it today.

Anyway, I was able to comfort her, and she made it through the rest of the night. We talked some in the morning, and I found out the truth of what's really going on. Things have been terrible for her, and Easter morning she had nightmares, was throwing up, and had her sister and aunt watch her all night. They were freaked out, especially by her strange twitching in her leg. These are the things I tried so hard to help her through, but her family didn't believe me, and they still think it's all my fault. Even as I write this, I'm realizing this may all be for the best, that it's still happening even when I'm out of the picture.

I went to church, came back, finished taxes and fixed W's phone. I ended up staying too long, and she pulled me into some R talk. Her family still has me convinced that I'm horrible, they tried to stop her from coming to see me at all. I knew this would happen when she moved home, but it hurt nonetheless. It ended more angry than I've ever seen her, and I left.

I want so badly to help her, to take away the pain, but it's not my place right now. The stages of MLC you posted were very helpful, and I'll read those DR chapters. Recovery group tonight, and I really need it. And a motorcycle ride or something.

[jon2911]

Wow! I just grumpyeby's response on Michelles thread:
"Don't do it. Don't give him an opening, if he is stressing and you contact him, there is his release. Wait for him to contact you. Thats just my 2 cents. As you well know, even an innocent attempt at contact can sometimes turn into a huge amount of drama if H needs to blow off some emotional steam about the other areas of his life.

Its his party, let him wear his hat by himself. A good dose of reality is just what he needs. Have a thin mint and wait."

This is exactly what I've been doing the last couple weeks. W and I have business stuff to take care of, benefits, taxes, etc. She's been using these times to create drama and blow off steam. The business stuff is done, time to detach.

[MichelleLT]

Detachment is all the time. And not just during the crisis, but during piecing and reconciliation and recommitment and happiness. It's about not letting her stress and anger make you stressed and angry. It's about being able to be the nice happy guy around her even if she is having a bad day or pushing your buttons. It's about realizing that they are her problems/issues/emotions, not yours.

What you are talking about is cutting back on the contact. Going gray or dark. Which sounds like a good plan. She needs some time to sort herself out.