His comment, and I totally understand it, was that it wasn't like he cheated on me. I know that...but then again, he doesn't know how MUCH I know b/c of the letters and such and so he doesn't know also that he's lied in MC about the depth of his professed feelings or that he'd talked to her IN DEPTH about all of my faults and shortcomings.
I know this is a tricky one... but, have you considered coming clean to him about this? Then he can't go around saying "Geez, I just don't get it why SD has this burr up her butt about LW."
I realize that getting this out in the open exposes you, and shows some not very admirable behavior of yours from the Bad Old Days. But, would it be worth it?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
To tell the truth, there was a little friction about LW. His comment, and I totally understand it, was that it wasn't like he cheated on me.
So...I'm trying to put his non-cheating thing into my brain, because at the end of the day, he didn't.
An EA is cheating. Plain and simple. HE needs to get HIS BRAIN around that. You are unloading his negative energy on to you and you are playing the victim. H is NOT innocent here.
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He asked, "What am I supposed to tell her?" Again, he has a point
WTF? He has no point. Time to choose between you and her. In a M you get 110% or there is no M. Take it from this divorced guy. Is he willing to commit? Yes or no. That means NO CONTACT with OW. Period. EVEN at work and it may be time for him to change jobs. Unless you are willing to play the European wife where it is okay to have a mistress or at least close women friends.
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In short, he can decide that our marriage is more important than his jacked up friendship with a woman
Good. It is okay to get angry but have you made this issue clear to H? There is a big difference betweeen a "trigger" as MC calls it and a healthy boundary. Boundaried are not up to discussion. Period. That is why the healthy people have so few.
But your message to him muust be clear - OW is out. You owe him that b/c you may become the WAW in his eyes - he thinking everything is okay and then the bomb.
If only my xW gave me her clear boundary six months before the bomb. Instead she gave up and waited until Christmas passed. Did not even tell her best friend until she quit.
I am so proud you are not quitting. But OW is not acceptable in a healthy M.
================================================================= But then I also told H that for me, it was important for us to be partners and for him to be honest about his opinions and feelings about things we had to decide as a couple instead of him always deferring to me, then being angry because I didn't read his mind. I told him we didn't have to agree, but there was no way to have a partnership if the full truth isn't out there, that we couldn't even begin to make good decisions together and find a compromise or what fit us best if both people weren't being honest. =================================================================
SD - these are your words from 16th Sept 2006. Do you think the tables may have been turned now?
It just seems to me that the letter business will not die down, and you HAVE given it a lot of time. H may not be "letting go" of LW cos in his head he might look on it as a temporary lapse that is over now. It may have been big in his head but he didn't act on his feelings in reality. Also, things between you both are good now, to his view he may be thinking that he shouldn't bring up the past. It's a lot to admit you've been a bit of a tw^t.
So to him it may not be a big deal, but to you it IS. Your message to H needs to be CRYSTAL CLEAR and extremely specific. I know it feels like demanding, and as former LBS's we feel we CANNOT demand anything at any time. This is not the case. I catch myself at times doing things because I think H will like it, not stating my opinion on things, agreeing with him because I think that is what he wants. In short, I may have become my H. I can't do that, it leads to trouble.
What you decide to do will of course be your own decision, be that confront H or find a way round it. I will support what you decide, and help you out as much as i can. Your humour got me through SO MUCH. I was just reading back on old posts ... we laughed a lot in the DB phase. Didn't seem to laugh so much in Piecing
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Heyya SD... Lotsa good stuff here. I agree w/ Jeff and the others that an EA is just as bad as a PA and I think in some ways it is worse b/c it is a violation of our secrets/hopes/dreams in that people in EA's share so much information with the OP.
So... just wanted to say I'm glad you're setting boundaries. I hope your H can really get how toxic having LW in your lives is for your R. You deserve to be heard.
But your message to him muust be clear - OW is out. You owe him that b/c you may become the WAW in his eyes - he thinking everything is okay and then the bomb.
I am so proud you are not quitting. But OW is not acceptable in a healthy M.
An EA is as bad as a PA. I learned that here.
Huggs.
Hi Jeff,
You know, thank you. Yes, it was at least a one-sided EA. Yes, it took his attention away from working on the M because SHE was going to solve all of his problems. So, thank you.
I have made it abundantly clear to him that any non-work contact with LW is unacceptable. I can handle that...what I cannot handle is him having a social relationship with him. I spelled it out as clearly for him in MC as I did here. Brought up a phone call she made to him on the weekend while we were out...he didn't answer his phone, but I KNEW from his body language that it was her...plus H always answers his phone. The MC told him that was inappropriate--whatever she had to tell him (even the thank you she was calling for b/c of H's work at an event she'd headed) could wait until Monday. MC told H that no matter what HE thought about the issue, this R and behavior and HIS failure to set boundaries w/her was harming our M, so if he valued the M, he needed to man up.
The boundaries I posted here are the exact ones I read and gave a copy to H. If he doesn't understand that...well, then he doesn't want to. And then I have my answer, right?
I have to say, he's gone above and beyond since that session. *I* need to do my part and really focus on where he's improving...that's the only way I'm going to be able to drop my defenses at all.
Thanks so much for your input and insight...you've been a good friend since the bomb and I've learned so much from you. I only hope you are finding happiness and release yourself.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
What you decide to do will of course be your own decision, be that confront H or find a way round it. I will support what you decide, and help you out as much as i can. Your humour got me through SO MUCH. I was just reading back on old posts ... we laughed a lot in the DB phase. Didn't seem to laugh so much in Piecing
Isn't that the truth? I'm not having near as much fun as I did then. I've told H and MC many times that probably the *happiest* time in my life was strangely when all this badness was going down...that summer of 2006. I had just let go of whatever he did...I knew I had no say.
And that's what I think my problem is. I think I have a say. I'm not staying detached. So, now I just have to let go and make sure I say exactly what I mean and ask for what I want. Then I have at least done my part, and I can choose something else for myself if I don't like his choices, right?
I'm doing better. Honestly...truth? Going to MC just always pisses me off more than I am when I go. Don't know why...or if we should just quit then. I just get so angry with H because he doesn't speak up or tell me what he wants and needs. Just holds onto it...just like before. And it makes me tired.
Hence my boundary that if he doesn't tell me, it doesn't exist, period. Not my problem.
Sigh.
Rob & Julie, thanks for checking on me. Julie, I've looked for a thread to check up on you, but there's nothing. How're YOU doing dear?
Another MC session this Thursday...bleh. I really hate going....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Going to MC just always pisses me off more than I am when I go. Don't know why...or if we should just quit then.
Hmmm... you and my X both. Then again, he always said our C was like the 'devil sucking the soul out of his body'. Or maybe that was his guilty conscience. Who cares. But damn, woman, what I wonder is how does your H feel about the C sessions? Does he dread them and hate them as much???
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Julie, I've looked for a thread to check up on you, but there's nothing. How're YOU doing dear?
Thanks for checkin, SD. No thread at this time, but soon I hope. Just plugging along. I have a house reserved (and half paid for) in Puerto Vallarta in May that I'm backing out of so if you want to shoot down there for the weekend w/ H, you'll only have to pay the remainder of the house cost (and it's a gorgeous 3-br so you can take friends or whatever). Let me know ASAP- do you still have my email? I can send you a link.
The boundaries I posted here are the exact ones I read and gave a copy to H. If he doesn't understand that...well, then he doesn't want to. And then I have my answer, right?
Excellent on sharing the list with him. You are correct, you cannot control his response but be proud you gave him the CHANCE to respond. I, and many others here, never got the chance.
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I have to say, he's gone above and beyond since that session. *I* need to do my part and really focus on where he's improving...that's the only way I'm going to be able to drop my defenses at all.
I remember your early post - they read nothing like this. You have come a long way and you are on track. But building trust is difficult so don't beat yourself up if it comes slowly. We are all just human after all - and hurt humans at that.
From a thought for the day: True character is revealed by the clarity of your convictions. Hold strongly to your principles and refuse to follow the currents of convenience.
SD - wow that's great both that you gave it to him and made it so clear (and he even has it in writing if he needs to refer back to it!). I'm glad to hear he's been working harder since that session.
Have you expressed your frustrations to your MC? I'm wondering if it makes sense to bring it up and see what suggestions she (he?) may have. In the few sessions that we had with our MC she realized early on what a "non-talker" my H was and urged me to stay quiet and wait, rather than feeling the need to fill the 'pauses.' That helped some. When he realized we were going to sit there waiting for his reply even if we sat there for an entire hour, he started talking more (and she was able to do it in a way that he didn't feel ganged up on).
I wonder also if it would make sense to go individually for a few sessions? I really liked doing that - some individual and some joint. It seemed to help a bit - when we got to the next joint session the MC could say to H - "remember when we talked about _____" and open up the conversation. Then again all our sessions were leading up to him getting the courage to drop the S bomb, we've never gone when we're actually trying to IMPROVE things, so it may be different. Just wanted to throw the idea out there.
(((SD)))
Hope things are continuing to improve.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
SD I'm with you. Just updated my thread .. it's not all sweetness and light. If some guy came along now and hit on me i'd probably take the chance to feel wanted, attractive, desired.
Perhaps I thought once I needed H to make me happy, and perhaps I did. But I'm happy now.
Sorry - prob not the best time to be posting, just wanted to say I hear you loud and clear.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
