You need to smile and be the person he would want to come back to. Right up to the moment the judge bangs his gavel on the bench.
Great! Now I know how long to try. Then I realized by the time the gavel bangs, I'll be the person I'm meant to be. Even if there's an ending, I've already begun.
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You are the stable one and he is unstable. Same as my sitch.
I still have trouble thinking of me as the stable one. What I'd felt in the past (being a failure, ineffective, depressed, always sick and/or injured) is being negated by the present. I've definitely found my compass.. and I realize what others have seen from the outside looking in, that I've been alone for quite a while.
Aggressive actions with my husband scare the poops out of me, but he seems to be more thoughtful since it. How do I balance taking care of me with the legal process versus working on the positive steps during the emotional process?
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Oh, and NEVER discuss the marriage with the in-laws! Remember, blood is thicker than water.
They have been very caring since the bomb. I let them be the ones to contact me. They are very intense when it comes to blood relatives. I know this will continue until H gives them the signal to shut down. I keep the focus on the kids.. nothing about my husband or our relationship.
Ahh.. then again, let him initiate while I'm living my life.. right?
Thi is EXACTLY right!
You need a life, so you don't wallow in your sad feelings. If he decides to pass on your marriage, you will have started a life of your own, which will do you good in the long run. But if he decides to return, you will be a more interesting and independent woman.
In my case, I do yoga, weights and am currently training for a 10k run. All in stark contrast to the boring idiot that just wanted to come home from work and watch TV on the couch until bedtime. I have also tried out for a rock band (which I didn't get) and I'm trying out for another one this week.
My W is very intrigued by all of this, she has recently made comments like "I thought this was all supposed to be about me right now, and here you are changing everything about your life!".
In newcomers, folks are encouraging me to try and publish some of my writings.
I'm also going away for a week while my husband is taking the kids for our annual vacation to Florida. I encouraged him to be the one to go since it was started by his family and he spends so little time with the kids.
My adventure is a seminar/retreat on vitality and health in midlife... something I never would have done. It's a 720.. found it on my own and am going alone, spending money and time on myself in a learning environment, seeking spirituality and not asking permission. It even has.. (drumroll) Yoga!
Build on my strengths, strengthen my weaknesses and boldly walk where I've been afraid to go.
My husband admitted to having several dates with a woman who'd been a friend, that he wasn't looking for more, just that he woke up to the fact he was surviving the marriage. He's living with her now but will not reveal his address to anyone, the children included.
Have you set some goals, so you'll know if/when there is progress or baby steps?
How are you doing on "getting a life"? You need to do that, if not to attract your husband, at least to prepare yourself for being the best that you can be - for yourself!
I'm wonder if he won't tell you where he is living, because it's a "low-rent" neighborhood? Or maybe he thinks you will harass him and/or OW? Just guessing here. In any case, he is going to do what he is going to do - you can not control any of it. You have to become (or regain) the person he fell in love with, so that when the excitement of OW wears off, you will be his best option.
Anyway, in the meantime Gypsy - all you can do is work on yourself, and use every interaction with H to your advantage. Even if it's just 5 minutes in a week...use those 5 minutes to DB your ass off, and show yourself in a positive light.
DON'T tell him your changes directly! It's OK if your activities come up in the convo, but don't say, "oh by the way, I've taken up lion taming and tightrope walking now". He'll see right through it.
Have a look at other people's threads, to see what they are doing. It helps.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
He's miserable. He wants his own life. He moves out with no forwarding address. He files divorce papers. He admits to having dated a friend during our marriage three times but it wasn't a long term affair. He's living with her. He expects me to trust him with life decisions.
He he he.. doesn't do much for me me me.
Perhaps my DBing is accepting/embracing:
Reality versus convoluted fantasy (this can't be true, my husband would never do this to me).
Someone who manipulates, lies, threatens me and the children no longer is my husband. That title represents a state of love, trust and commitment.
I am no longer his wife. That title represents a state of love trust and commitment.
"Wife" and "Husband" are gifts given to each other surrounded in love, caring, compassion, trust, belief.. all that is good, all that is worth fighting for.
I have to truly let go to get a life. I based my life on him and the kids. Not uncommon to get lost in the workings of family.. but man oh man, what a time to get a life.
Respect me, "Kevin" (not his hame), earn my trust while I walk forward, grow legs.
It's not about recognition from other.. but about recognizing who I am.
His approval does not define my self worth.
Sentences beginning with 'him', 'he' are outlawed, along with 'poor me' statements.
I am no longer a victim.
I will move out of that comfort zone.
It's easier to be the one left behind when it comes to getting sympathy... but guess what.. that does nothing positive when it comes to living a full and productive life.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will accept the unknown, the fear.
I will trust those who are worthy.
I will take chances that lead to positive goals.
I will embrace change, be more flexible, listen without talking.
I will leave the crap where it lands and not carry it with me.
What other people say about me is none of my business.
What I say about others is my choice.
I will spend time on what brings joy, renewal and growth.
I will move to a better place in my life without worrying about should have's, would have's, could have's.
I will let go of how I let his choices disable me.
I will focus on where MY choices will take me.
I will not be perfect, the epitome of anything.
I will be a wonderful woman with heart, grace, soul and farts.
I will accept all of me, even the crap I don't like.
I'll clean my mind, unload the stuff that's been stuffing it. Just let go of the clutter I cling to.
I will remember to smile fo no reason, if only to keep that downturned line by my mouth from getting any deeper.
I will remember to wear sunblock.
I will embrace those who relish who I am, and not worry about the others.
I will not view myself through other people's eyes.
I will listen to what is said to me in love, concern, support, hate, disrespect and will make my own choices.
I will learn to separate my knee jerk reactions of emotions from what is truly good for me.
I will love me.. as wonderful, whacky, imperfect, gooky, sad, happy and however else I might be.
I will love others without the fear of the past crippling me.
I will live my life without the blanket of my fears and insecurities.
I will not scratch the wound.
I will accept and own what is mine and flush the rest.
I will heal, be happy, healthy and grateful for all that life has given and will give me.
