Affair is over and WW is responding

[Hope4us]

Sara, WW is going to transfer her portion of the "bills" to our joint acct and keep the rest in her "acct". So she's going to be paying her share of the house payment, car payment, elect, gas, cable, etc.

She asked me a couple weeks ago what her portion of the bills were so I told her a number that took the total of those bills and divided them based on what % each of us bring home. That was the amount she now says she will contribute towards the bills and everything else is hers. My feeling is that she should also contribute the same % for groceries, DS19's college, her haircuts, her Victoria's Secret (affair) CC payment, her share of the other kids expenses if her intent is for the next couple years, until DS15 graduates from HS, to live as roommates so she can have a nice nest egg built up for when she leaves.

If not, I feel like she's getting all the benefit of being married to me without being married to me or without even trying to see if our marriage can be repaired. It would be like if my brother came to live with me and expected me to pay for all those things. And honestly it would make me an even bigger doormat if I continued to pay for those things just so she can continue to disrespect the marriage and then split when she's ready. If that is her intent, so be it, but I need to begin to take care of myself for when that time comes. If she leaves in a couple years I'll be paying her alimony for probably 8 years (regardless of fault) so I need to protect ME.

If she has no intention of trying to make the marriage work, why should I give the fox the keys to the hen house?

But if she says her intent is to stay for the next two years to see if her feelings change and to see if our marriage is worth saving, and she's willing to live as a married couple (no affairs) and joint decisions on the things in our lives, then I'm more than happy to provide her the benefits of what two together equal instead of two separate.

[Hope4us]

Good Morning. It's been an interesting weekend, in a good way I think.

Friday night DS19 and I went to a sports bar to watch the NCAA's. WW was pretty talkative for the hour or so I was home between work and leaving with DS19. She had some dental work done earlier in the week and had a temp crown on and it came off Friday while she was at work. She talked to the dentist who told her to get some denture holding cream and to put it back on. DS19 started harrassing her about being old and needing dentures etc and they went back and forth, all of us laughing.

When I went up to bed I had a HUGE trigger. WW had to work OT Sat and had to leave the house by 6:00 or so, so she had layed out her clothes (undies included) and that was the trigger. She had layed out the thong and matching bra that she had bought and worn the last time she went to see OM back in early Dec. Of course my mind starts racing, is she lying to me about work and is leaving early so she can go see OM? Is she lying about work and is involved with a new OM and she's going to spend the day with a new one? But then I reminded myself that I can't control her and if this is what she's going to do, then I'm really ok with it because it will be the final straw for me and I'll tell her we need to separate and at least it will be something and not this limbo I've been living in since early Dec.

So she gets up and leaves and an hour or so later I get a TM from her. She was involved in conducting pre-employment testing for our company (her work location) and she was asking what the names were of the son and son in law of a couple guys who work for me who had applied for the job. I told her and we traded a couple of more TM's about the testing. That made me feel pretty good that she was thinking of me (and my guys). She got home way earlier than I expected and almost immediately started talking all about her morning. And that continued for quite a while. MAN IT FELT GOOD. She asked me if I got DS19's clothes washed (he's going back to school today) and I had and she was appreciative of me doing that. She also told me her temp crown came off again but it was her fault because she had eaten a piece of candy but she was going to blame this guy she works with that she can't stand because he's the one who gave her the candy. We joked a bit blaming this guy for all the ills of the world. He is really a good intending person, but he drives WW nuts.

Anyway, the rest of the evening there wasn't a whole lot of interaction as DS19 and I watched more NCAA's (man I love this time of year!) while WW watched and fell asleep watching T.V. in OUR bed. Of course, when I went up to go to bed she went downstairs to her couch, but I thought it was a good sign that she is making progress in that she'll at least sleep in our bed, even if I'm not in it. I wanted so bad to say to her she didn't have to go anywhere and could sleep the night there, but I don't want to push it just yet.

I have to really pay attention to DR right now. The part that talks about not getting overly excited when you see progress being made because it will cause your spouse to pull back.

We're going to have our talk sometime today about our finances and what she see's happening for the next couple years. I really feel like this is a win/win for me. If she says she sees us as roommates she's going to have to contribute to everything which will give her a real taste of the benefits of being married to me and if she says she's willing to see where our marriage could go during that time I'll be able to fill her need for financial support (which is a big need for her).

I talked to my friend Deb yesterday and she's pretty confident that WW is making the transition from her affair to getting more comfortable coming back to the marriage. I just need to continue to give her the space she needs to figure it out.

[Hope4us]

Well, had our talk this morning. Wasn't quite as good as I'd hoped, but it was somewhat encouraging.

I asked WW how she wanted to handle the day to day living expenses (as well as DS's college). She kind of looked at me funny. She said if we needed groceries and there wasn't any money in the joint account that she would buy them as she wouldn't let the kids go hungry. So I said, "I guess what I'm asking is, what do you see for us for the next 2 years? Do you see us living as roommates or are you going to see how things go with us and see if any feelings develop between us?" It was quiet for a few minutes. I said "I just feel like if we're going to live as roommates and you have no intention of giving us any kind of chance, that you should pay for your fair share of the groceries and other expenses as I have to start protecting myself for the future". I also said "If you're willing to see where we could go, I'm a very generous person and have no problem paying for more than my share of everything".

It was quiet again for a bit and finally I asked, "so what do you see with us?" She replied "if you want to call it roommates, ok". I then said, "So your plan is that for the next 2 years to live as roommates and then when DS15 graduates from HS we're separating?" WW replied (and this is where I'm encouraged), "That's my plan for now".

I read many places and my counselor has told me to LISTEN to what she's really saying. And to me (and my friend Deb) her saying that's her plan for now means she's beginning to have feelings for me again but she's just not ready to commit or admit to those feelings. Deb also thinks that WW is recognizing the things I've been working on in response to her complaints about me but she's worried that those changes are not going to stick so she's keeping her options open. Another thought I had is that WW doesn't want me to get my hopes up so she's doesn't want to say anything yet.

I got home from dropping DS19 off at school and WW wasn't in quite as good a mood as she was this morning. I'm sure our conversation got her thinking. More space. Keep doing what is working right? No R talks, No pressure. Nothing but fun times and a good PMA for me!

I'll keep you posted.

[Starshyne]

Sounds like your talk about these things went WAY better than mine did this weekend. My H told me that he won't pay for anything because he needs to save his money for when he moves out. He didn't understand what I was saying about roommates AT ALL. I basically got no where. We do have our own accounts. I did that when H was spending our joint account money on the OW. I will keep on paying the bills, because I really have no choice in that matter. But I am going to cut down what I buy for him.

Sara

[Hope4us]

Well, don't I feel like a fool? Did and am going to do some pretty non-DB kinds of things the next week, but I've had enough.

Snooped WW's cell phone last night and discovered she was trying to arrange a meet with OM last Saturday, but he didn't show up (he lives ~250 miles from us) because his wife is going to a lawyer this week and he "didn't want to add fuel to the fire". Guess I know now why WW's mood has been better the last couple weeks. OMW told OM a couple weeks ago that she'd had enough and was going to D his sorry butt, so I'm sure he got in touch with WW so he could use her some more. But if she's so stupid to fall for it, have at it.

So now it's time for me to tell our kids what's going on and why I'm going to ask their mom to move out. Got to get all my stuff together this week before telling them this weekend. I know there are many people here who don't agree with this, but in my opinion, my kids deserve to know the truth about what is going on in their lives and there is no way I'd let the serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive OM have a part in my kids lives without them knowing the truth.

[Doing_My_Best]

Sorry to hear that H4U - I support you all the way. Strangely, we are in the exact same sitch. I am filing this week b/c my W won't stop talking to OM.

Your kids are lucky to have a stand-up dad, and I know you will always be there for them.

[karen43]

I know there are many people here who don't agree with this, but in my opinion, my kids deserve to know the truth about what is going on in their lives and there is no way I'd let the serial cheatin, alcoholic, abusive OM have a part in my kids lives without them knowing the truth.

So sorry for you H4U!!! They say that you will know when it is time to do stuff like that, so if you feel that is right then I guess you are experiencing that now. I do think that affair will not last though with the serial cheating, alcoholic abusive OM! Affairs don't usually last and that one sounds especially doomed!!! Karen

[Hope4us]

Thanks DMB. I'm still not sure I'm going the filing route right now as I'm pretty sure once I expose to the kids and she moves out the reality will hit her pretty quickly and she might possibly come back, but at this point I don't really care.

That's the funny thing. Prior to this I don't think I was mentally at the place I needed to be, but my detaching and really thinking about how she's been and what she's doing has allowed me to get some of my self respect back and I'm not going to take it anymore.

At this point, if she does wake up and want to try to make the marriage work there will be a list of conditions that are non-negotiable. If she can't or won't meet those conditions, then maybe it'll be time to file for D.

I just know I'm going to do everything in my power to protect myself and my kids from her destructive behavior. It contuinally amazes me how addicted they are and nothing matters but the next fix.

She's at work now so I'm sure the OM sent her an email letting her know they were busted. Boy won't it be fun at home tonight!

Thanks for the support DMB. I'm with you also. There's just so much disrespect one person can take.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Karen. I'm pretty confident the affair won't last either, but the way things are at home now, it will never have it's chance to implode.

WW calls me controlling, but OMW told me if she wants to see controlling, spend some time with OM. And he's such a player, I kind of think that he already has another one lined up in his town and he's just playing with WW to stroke his ego (that's what OMW told me). Could be why he didn't come up here last weekend, but that doesn't matter. She's the addicted one and until she figures it out on her own, it won't end.


I appreciate your support.

[Doing_My_Best]

Hope, We are in VERY similar situations, and very similar places mentally. Isn't it interesting how so many of these A sitches are exactly the same.

Keep us posted on how tonight goes. Sounds like you are in the right place mentally!