I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I haven't had any contact with H in over two weeks. He usually stops by the house once a week or so when I am not home to get his mail, but now it is piling up. I think he is on vacation, maybe on a cruise. I want to take Evie's suggestion and send a text msg, but I hesitate. I have been debating this for a couple of days - which seems pitiful to me. I realized yesterday how effectively he has silenced me. In our M, he did not want to deal with things. He would avoid conflict. He would not tell me what mattered to him. He would not respond to what mattered to me. I would fight and persist to try get resolution. It got me no where. He totally withdrew. Now, he has succeeded in completely shutting me up - to the point where I don't even feel able to reach out a friendly hand.

I can't see any solutions for me to work toward. I think the best I can do is last resort stuff - pack his things up and tell him to come get them. Try to put him out of my head completely. Which is so hard - I still go to sleep sad and wake up sad everyday. I try not to dwell, I try to be positive and focus on myself - but when you wake up with this heaviness it is hard to start the day. I am just so disappointed in how this is all turning out and haven't convinced myself that whatever happens is for the best. I haven't felt happy in a really long time - I will know that I am starting to heal when I can feel glad about something.

Well, this is a big long pity party. I get sick of myself. But, I went to a separated/divorce seminar the other night and one of the facilitators mentioned getting to a point where he felt that way - so maybe it is normal. I'm not sure if the support group (it's a 13 week seminar at a church) is going to be right for me or not, but I am going to go again next week.

[Evie]

No not yet seek, you are not ready to give up, if you were i'm sure you would know. In your heart you know your m is not over yet. Try the text message, what have you to lose? He may be lost and can't find his way home, maybe he's not ready or maybe he thinks that you have moved on and are managing ok without him and he's not needed?

You are allowed to be sad, but don't allow him to control you like this, wake up and think today i will be happy. Plan something you like to do to look forward to.

(((Seek))

X Evie

[Evie]

seek - whats going on? r u ok? speak to me.

((((seek)))

X Evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm ok - no real changes, not much access to the internet, reading as much as I can to focus on getting perspective and moving forward. I'm thinking about how we got to this point and I am coming to the conclusion that H just can't/won't deal with issues. He thinks his life will be better if he doesn't have emotional involvement. In some ways, where we are now is a 180 for me - the only one I think is available to me now in terms of how I interact with H. During M, I would fight and argue and push to get him engaged. It was so frustrating. Now, for many months, I have stayed quiet while he has pulled further and further apart. I have not pursued and I have not expressed my own needs. Still, he moves further away - I really don't think he will turn back.

So, I have been trying to learn what it means to "let go". I had an insight the other night in that divorce class. I have been thinking of letting go in terms of my attachment to H and M - that I need to let go of that attachment. Then, I finally realized that letting go might be something that happens on a more spiritual level. I have mentioned before a quote that says mastery in life is the ability to let go. I think this is less about the past and more about not trying to control and dictate the terms of the future. Living in the present and trusting that things will be as they should be. I'm not articulating it very well, but, something like that. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I finally sent H a text last Monday (3/17) and he responded. Both of us were brief - I just noted that there had been no sign of him for a while and was he ok, was he on spring break. (I tried to keep it light.) He said he'd been gone a while but was back & busy. I asked if he wanted me to bring his mail to office (because of the bad weather/roads. He said yes. I didn't happen to be in my office when he picked up mail, so he left a sticky note that said he was sorry he missed me. That was the end of that. Yesterday, I had to call him to come over to my office and sign a check so that I could deposit it. He came over right away. Visited for about 5 minutes. It was pleasant enough - the problem is that I really don't have much to say so it's hard for me to do the lighthearted, casual convo, DB routine. I tend to be more of a listener than a talker and I just am not one to talk about myself and tell stories or make conversation. But he told me a couple of things that I responded to and we joked about a bit. For instance, while he was in the parking lot to my office, a woman walked right into him and just kept going. He couldn't believe it. At home last night there was a msg fr his dentist, so I sent a txt abt that and asked if he avoided attack for the rest of the day. He sent a funny answer back and I responded "be alert!" Then nothing more - I really wish that the txt exchange had ended with him and not me, but not a big deal. So far this month this is the sole extent of my contact with H. In some ways, I am grateful that we are not fighting and our sitch is not full of drama, but on the other hand, I do not have much to work with in terms of DB.

[Evie]

seek, You are DB really well, you are not pursuing, you are giving him space. It all sounds positive, he answers straight away and comes over straight away. He left a note, when he needn't have.

Perhaps the texts didn't end with him not b/c he didn't want to talk to you anymore but maybe he didn't want to give you false hope.

I understand how hard it must be to try and make light hearted conversation when he feels like a stranger.

Buy hey, remember to do what works. Texting seems to be. He maybe peeking out of the tunnel, nice and slow does it, continue to text, but don't overdo the frequency, instead of once a month, do it twice a month and see what response you get.

Look at the positives, you are both calm.....

x Evie xxx

[seekpeaceofmind]

Evie - thanks for giving me another perspective. It can be hard to see the positive, sometimes. One of the things that I talked about w/ my C is "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best." I am finding it very difficult to balance the two and have been very focused lately on preparing for the worst. This whole thing is so painful and I am afraid of feeling blown away by it all over again if either of us moves to D.

[Evie]

Another way of looking at it is, look for the worst (i know it's not a word, but cant remember the correct saying)and you'll get it.

By keeping a distant eye on the future and accepting that maybe an eventuality, for now you can still focus on the immediate future, the hear and now.

I think we both have our thoughts on accepting what may happen in the future and maybe this is how it will be, but we still have hope until WE decide enough is enough and WE bolt the door. Your not ready for that yet.

I can empathise with totally - how do you prepare for the worst but still have hope?

Do you get out a bit Seek? what hobbies/interests do you have?

(((((seek))))

x Evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

Talked w/ C yesterday. Told her I feel stuck. She said that is to be expected under my circumstances where there is a high level of ambiguity and H is so indirect and not forthcoming. She said a sitch like mine is unusual in her exp - no active conflict or process for resolution or change. We really are not moving in any direction, just this limbo state and I am in the dark about what is going on w/ H. As we were talking, I was thinking that this seems normal to me, but only b/c I see that there are others in DB mode with this same experience. But, it seems that we are the exception and not the rule.

Another way of looking at it is, look for the worst (i know it's not a word, but cant remember the correct saying)and you'll get it.

You are right about that - it's one of my frustrations that I can't get into a more positive mindset. I feel like I am feeding my own unhappiness, but I don't have enough strength to push it away. I need a Wonder Woman amulet or something. . . .

Do you get out a bit Seek? what hobbies/interests do you have?

I don't have a real active social life, but I am working on it. I do get out to spend time with friends - meet for lunch or movies, that kind of thing. I have made a couple of new friends, too. My friends are kind of spread around geographically, so it's not a quick/simple thing to get together.
I'm not very well-rounded in the hobby category. It's something that I'm missing and I'm trying to find a creative outlet that will hold my attention and be something that I can do easily and as an "everyday" activity. A lot of the things I enjoy doing are "events" - go to see a play, travel to Montreal or Boston for an art exhibit, that kind of thing. I used to lose myself in a good book, but that holds less interest for me now. . . .

[Evie]

How did the C leave it, did she offer more advice etc, when do you next see her/him?

What about doing some decorating, change your bedroom?

Do you like excercise?

Have you text H this week?

Also, do you see much of H's sons?

x evie