Why? Why is it so hard to settle this thing? Why can't I just say F#%K it and File? Or Why not just settle for "this is the way it is going to be so live with it? I mean I think back to our last Anniversary... Remember the "snails" I made for W. I mean we were at opposite ends of the spectrum. I have come so far. We are "friends" now. The tensions have been relived since our last talk. The talk that I stated that I will not talk R until she gets a job. I don't know if I should start to pursue or not. W and I have different thoughts on things I know. At my B-day dinner I had a great time. I THOUGHT things went very well. But talking to W after she was very uncomfortable. Two people at the same place seeing things differently.... Every time I am ready to say Screw it SOMEBODY here comes up with "finely after two years we worked things out" or after we separated things changed and we fell in love again or we went to retro and it opened our eyes". So then I think well maybe soon. Maybe I should just hold out a little longer. I have "spoken" so someone here that was a WAS. She wanted to know "why would you want to stay with someone that hurt you? She said "I am sure there is someone out there that can give you the love you need. Maybe your W is not that person". I had to think hard on this question. Why do I stay? Why did I not just throw this all away a year ago when this first started? One thing I can think of is if I knew what I know now I would have thrown in the towel back then. Back then I was desperate, back then I thought I could not live without my Wife. Back then I felt so weak and vulnerable. Like it was W and OM against me... Now..... I don't really care about the OM. Well that is not totally true I would like to see if W is still calling him but only to see if she has truly given up on him. I have not looked at the phone bill but....maybe soon... as for living without W. I could do it. I would not have a problem with it in fact it would almost be like being born again. Going out dancing, Meeting people...I do have son to think about... It would be so much easier if W and I were fighting. There would be an outward sign that I could say.” This is not good around son, we need to separate". But the damage we are doing to my son is hidden. It is in the sub conches. He thinks it's normal for a mom and dad to sleep separate, he thinks it's normal for mom and dad to never say "I love you". Funny thing is son makes an Effort EVERY night to tell me he loves me. Then we get into this battle about who loves who more....I am not looking for advise, I am not playing the Dr Love pity party here.. I am just rambling off. I have "met" so many friends here and It seems like allot of them have moved on. This was like the "coffee shop" that I used to come to every morning to catch up with Friends on events in their lives. I guess it's a good thing that most of them have gone away. It means that they either have "fixed" their marriage or ended it. Either way their struggle is over...Ok well I hope every one (anyone) that reads this has a good day. The sun should be up soon…another day will arrive..
Later Doc Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
