Bad dreams

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks for all the great comments and messages. Deauxlie I'm so intrigued by your post I'll have to read your threads when I have some extra time...

I wonder if some of our dreams could be the fears we try to keep at bay when trying to reattach and rebuild our marriages. The fears are real and we have a right to them, and yet we can't allow them to paralyze and control us. Somehow we have to have at least some belief in our marriages again.

I know I'm getting there, but it has been a winding path for me. Not so bumpy anymore, but more curved... I feel good in me, and I even have positive feelings most of the time for my husband, but I just feel so much more comfortable in my independence it's hard to give that up.

By the way, one positive thing... my husband actually answered a few of my questions. Not in too much depth (very typical), but it was some information. He told me a little about the overnight trip they took to Disneyland (when they got very drunk and had sex). That they didn't stay at the Disneyland Hotel, and instead were at a friend's condo. I have to say, this made me feel much better. I think of the Disneyland Hotel as more romantic and I had figured I'd never stay there again. So maybe now I would....maybe.....

Originally, a group of people from their class had planned to go stay there at the condo, and go to Disneyland for the day, but in the end they were the only two that actually went.

He shared with me that although he originally liked some things about her, there were things he didn't like (?). He said she was an unhappy person.

As I mentioned, he didn't go into any great detail, but just getting some information made me feel a little closer to him. I felt like he was confiding more and hiding less (although I'd still like to know every little bit of information... Unfortunately I tend to be a relentless seeker of info....).

I find that I'm super bothered by the idea of him "hiding information." I find that the more he tells me, even if it's painful, the better I feel because then it's not hidden. And I'm being trusted with the information....

[Delil@h]

but reattaching is even more difficult.... and I'm not even sure I want to go there. I never want to be where I was.

I feel like this too. As my H gets closer to me and I feel like we are getting better..........



........ I actually feel terror at times b/c maybe I will lose myself once again and fall flat on my face....... etc. etc. etc.
*( I have been piecing for almost 2 years)
You know what sweetie? It is easier in my opinion to walk away and give up......... than to accept what he did and still love him and recommit even against all odds...... just my 2 cents....

I am sure Root you learned far too much to fall back into old patterns. You are one smart Lady.... just keep working thru this .........

I firmly believe once we are more "aware" we won't allow ourselves to go back there again.
I used to have the bad dreams alot..... now that in my Life he has become more supportive my dreams also reflect that.

he doesnt run anymore when I need help, he is right there helping me in my dreams now. and also in my daytime hours
Love and God Bless, ~Ali

[DiDi]

Not so intriguing ROOT, I just didn't do a really good job updating and left lots of gaps. I jumped all over the place and my sitch is pretty disjointed. Personally I think it's kind of long winded, and I come off sounding like a cross between clueless and "mushy". I wasn't doing half as well as I thought I was and it shows. JMO.

Great insight about our dreams giving us a way to work out the fears and pain we keep inside as we attempt to reconcile "love's illusions" and reality. I should probably put quotation marks around the word *reality* too.

Anyhow, I can really relate to the disclosure. I moved to the general area where we had few memories together but he made many (gag)memories with xOW. I have to know if John Doe has met her. A movie will come on cable and if it's one that came out in the year I lost and he's seen it, I wonder if it was with her or one of the guys.

Sometimes I insist we go to places they did go so that I can replace the memories he had with her with new ones with me. Yeah, I've got this licked. I'm reaaaal healthy.

He *was* really cute when we went to a particular carnival last month though. As we got out of the car, I said "This is my first (carnival)!" He said, although he'd been the last two years, that this was his first one too. Because he was with me. He even teared up. Awww. See, do what works.

I wrote and deleted lots of posts about (not so) little white lies. Lies of omission. Watching that new game(?) show, The Moment of Truth-- I told him I was inventing the home edition. HA! It's got us discussing some good stuff though. Um, I also bought him some Pinnochio undies and said "Lie to me, baby..." OK so my personality is a bit warped-- but he does answer questions. Doesn't seem to open up on his own as much as he did. I don't blame him, it's tough to talk about and why the heck bring it up. [His thoughts. I think. We know how well I read his mind.]

Maybe I needed the more forthcoming and remorseful H in the beginning to feel secure enough. I miss the more frequent glimpse into his emotions, but happy is definitely more fun and healthy.

I think.

I always tell myself we have the next half of our life to get it all out there if we do this right.

I love how you expressed how disclosure feels-- like being trusted with the information. Exactly. Thank you for that.

[runningoutoftime]

Well.... I've been very busy with work and life. Last week I had a bee invasion at my home and although I couldn't contact a beekeeper in time to save the little guys I'm now researching beekeeping myself!!! Like I'd be able to keep bees in a crowded suburb!

Anyhow, Thank you Alimari and Deauxlie. Alimari, I know you've been struggling a long time too. Yes, in some ways I agree it's easier to move on. But, on the other hand, I can't say my friends who have done that are doing so much better. Some things are good in their lives. But they still have a lot of problems and struggles. Interestingly, I have noticed that in most cases (at least in my local group of friends) the LBS seems to do better than the WAS. Not always, but most of the time....

Deauxlie, I haven't had time to read too many of your threads, but I have read a few. Regardless of what you say, I think you sound pretty strong and I'm impressed with how well you've dealt with the situation.