Tomato - Thanks for the encouragement and good thoughts. I know I need all I can get right now.
Ali - Thank you dear for the boost and kind words. I appreciate your keeping tabs on me. Oh, my family and friends think I'm an idiot for even thinking kindly of W. They want me to cut her off and do it quickly. However, I've told them all to not judge W too harshly b/c there is always a possibility that we get back together b/c you have to be able to allow people to do their own things in life then forgive them and forget if necessary. They think that too is idiotic, but I've been pretty consistent w/ them. Who knows? The rate this is going, it won't matter much b/c W doesn't seem to ever be nice to me, let alone want to love me again. That thought just makes me so blue. I miss my family terribly and to know that W is w/ the OM and not missing an emotional beat here kills me. I've been replaced w/out any thought or consideration on how this affects me. It is if I didn't exist and I'm not allowed to be affected. It hurts to know she is currently "happy" w/out me in her life. That is one that does definitely sting.
As for my plan, it is now to be as dark as I can be. W has sent me 4 e-mails today in response to my e-mails yesterday and I've yet to respond to any of them. In fact, I may not answer them all.
I called D at 7:30 and talked exclusively w/ her for about a minute and a half. She was upset that my call caused her to pause her movie, so I wrapped it up quickly w/ her and let her go back to watching. I then hung up w/out speaking to W. I don't like that feeling at all. I'm wondering if I should at least say something kind like "Have a good night (W)" before I hang up. I don't know. I guess that really isn't "going dark" but I honestly feel like such an A-hole hanging up right after talking w/ D. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do.
Anyway, about an hour later, W sent a text saying "What have you told people at (work)?" I didn't reply, but why the heck should she give a crap? I'm thinking I won't touch this one, but it bugs me that she even cares what my peers think of her. Again, she baffles me. I think it was either W2G or bizarre who said she sounds like she wants the D, but also wants my support w/ things. I don't get it. I guess that is my problem. I'm trying to figure out the unfigurable. I keep forgetting, "You can't negotiate w/ terrorists." They just don't think rationally.
Well, today was difficult and I didn't do much. In fact, I stayed up past midnight last night and then just stayed in bed to 11. It was a blue day and I COMPLETELY realize I've got to GAL big time, but I'm falling into the "unmotivated" rut. If I don't kick that one soon, I'll never get out.
I go back to teaching tomorrow and I think I'm ready to go, but I'd rather sleep in again tomorrow, to be honest. I'm currently working w/ the DR book again and once I finish it, I'm going to strictly re-read several times the section on "last resort" over and over and over b/c that is where I'm at right now. I'll also be re-reading the "going dark" information as I didn't look at it too closely before b/c it says you have to be prepared to lose the marriage if you enter this stage and until now, I haven't had the courage to face that potential possibility.
I'm off to bed now, then I'll be in a tie again tomorrow as I start the 4th quarter of the school year that can't end quick enough. I feel badly for my students b/c I know I haven't been as good of a teacher as I could have and should have been for them this year. I'm hoping they'd understand if they knew what I was going through.
Talk to you all later. Have a good and restful evening.
