Well.. W wants me to move back home and stay in our guest room. But I am afraid that I will be moving back into the same situation I left from. Any advice?
Alright DB'ers' this is my last attempt for advice. I have been trying to be pateint and give people time to respond but I think two weeks is long enough. I have a hard time beleiveing that with all of the people on this site, there is no one who can even share with me their opinion on my previous questions. Have I not given enough information? Just to be honest, I am starting to beleive this site is not what it was led to be. It seems like there are sooo many people here with questions un-anwsered. I know that I have not shared much advice with others; but when I have gotten to the point where I am truly learning from my situation I can assure everyone here that I will make it a point to share my experiances with anyone whom it might help.
I am not posting this message to offend anyone. I am simply hopeing to inspire people to be more open and forth comeing with their advice, experiance, and ideas. No one has to take every peice of advice to heart, but who is to say what we might learn from each other? My point is that we should share our ideas, experiances, and compasion for one another as often as we can. One simple sentance to one person has the possibility to change the life of another. One of my favorites, "I have found that the person speaking of what can NOT be done is often interrupted by the person doing it." I sincerally hope to hear something (positive or negative) from everyone who reads this message.
Hey, Matt...I haven't responded to you before (or anyone else for that matter; I'm new). I read over your posts and I'm really touched by your situation. I married young, like you, have small children, started college when I was pregnant with my first son, worked part-time and did college full-time, had son #2, and when I graduated with my B.A. I was eight months pregnant with my daughter, and know what it's like to find out motherhood/marriage isn't exactly what I thought it would be (so maybe I can relate a bit to your wife).
You indicated your wife wants you to return and stay in the guest room. I will preface my thoughts by saying that my husband left us in November after an affair, so I don't know what it's like to be dealing with a spouse who wants to share a home again. So please know that I have the best intentions; I just haven't been in your shoes in this area. I think it's great that she wants you at home again. Compared with the divorce talk at the beginning, this is really encouraging!! She is making an effort toward your marriage...perhaps she is seeing more and more how much your little girl needs you at home every night, not just here and there and every other weekend. Hopefully, she also misses you. It sounds like you were very helpful around the house and have been kind and thoughtful while trying to pull her out of her unhappiness (based on what you said about her watching tv all the time). Plus, you haven't given up on her. Alot of people (especially people our age) would have just walked away and seen it as an escape from a draining situation. But you haven't, and that's great!
One thing I wonder about...did she say why she wants you in the guest room? I realize that this is personal, so don't answer if you are uncomfortable...it seems like maybe a discussion of separate beds would be a good thing. Personally, I would rather work out an agreement like, No physical intimacy unless wife initiates it, but sharing a bed. And I wouldn't discuss it for a few weeks, or at least until ya'll (yeah, I'm from the South) have settled in and sort of readjusted to each other. Maybe you posted about not being intimate for awhile...everything on these boards kind of runs together...
You may get other opinions as far as whether or not you are walking into the same situation, but as a mommy of small children I realize that you aren't just sitting around waiting to see what happens in your life. Your daughter's happiness is at stake as well, and every day that you live apart makes a difference (to all three of you!) And it looks like to me that you have done a good job not being needy or insisting that she answer questions she isn't ready to answer. You have changed, so I think that no, you aren't going into the same situation. You have learned some valuable things in counseling, you now know how very difficult it is not to see your daughter every day and participate in bath/dinner/bedtime. And your wife appears to have noticed the differences in you and missed you enough to want you back in your home.
There might be specific things you want to discuss before moving back home (if that is your decision), so think about things that have created problems in the past. I would focus on little things right now(maybe wife not watching tv until your daughter is in bed?) and work up to bigger things (possible cutback on hours at work...not so that you struggle financially, but so that you are home more) and work up to even bigger things (is your wife in school to get a great job or more because she felt she missed out on good opportunities by marrying/becoming a mom early?) Could she take fewer classes and still graduate in a decent amount of time? Little things will affect your daily life more than the biggies, and it may be awhile before ya'll are able to really sort out major stuff like that. I think for now that you should focus on better communication, not driving each other nuts (soooo easy to do with a little one in the house), and making a concerted effort to really enjoy each other and the home you are creating together.
I realize this has been extremely long...if anything I have said hasn't been applicable or whatever, don't give it another thought. I really hope everything works out for you. Post again and let me know what's going on...
Jasmine, I did decide to move back home. I've been back for about 2 weeks (give or take). We did talk about a lot of our problems before I made my decision. Things have been going really smooth. No real R talk, just kind of living together. It feels like were roomates not husband and wife though. No hugs, kisses, ILY's, etc.. Im just trying to be patient here and hope that things will start happening again one day and perhaps better than ever. W has decided to seek individual couns. for herself, she feels she has some issues she needs to resolve before she can really work on us and I respect that. As far as sleeping in the same bed goes, I think it is much easier for the both of us to keep sleeping speratly for a while. Since Im 25 and it's been over 4 months now since... Im not sure I can trust myself to hold back those trying urges if we were to be lying in the same bed. All in all, things are going OK, I still haven't given up and I love being at home with my little girl (She's a Daddy's Girl by the way) Not really sure if I anwsered all of your questions. I hope everything is going well for you and thank you for your response.
So glad you moved back home, and I'm glad your wife is getting counseling. It sounds like she is really looking at your marriage and wanting the best for both of you and your daughter. I'm sure separate beds is a little strange, but you know what's best for you!
Keep posting to let us know how things are going! Have a great night!
