Hi Login. Sigh. My story is a lot like everyone else's. :P
After reading your question, I went back and skimmed a few of my old threads, and wow...things are so much better now, I feel much more confident and capable, even though life isn't perfect and we have a long way to go. I'll post the links at the end of this post and perhaps go dust off my current thread. Thanks for the prod.
How do I feel about honesty and transparency? I think they're vital. Do I have them in my current R? Not by a long shot. Am I throwing all the other progress in my sitch out the door because I can't trust him? No. I think that love and trust are separate issues: you love your teenager, but you don't necessarily trust them to be out all night with no curfew, right?
In my perfect world, I would be in a M with a man who shared my deep sense of values, who regarded our R as something to be treasured and nurtured and defended. Reality is, maybe those things are buried deep inside him, then again, maybe they're not. He's not an honest man, as much as I'd like to say he is. He's not. And that is very disappointing--probably the thing I struggle with the most. I'm trying to walk the line of allowing him to be himself, to love the good parts of him without being judgemental, and at the same time, to find and respect my own boundaries.
I guess my point is that I'm trying to accept and love him for who he is, while hoping that at some point he will step up and become the man I know he can become. For now, he has made progress in his overall attitude and behavior towards me, and it's worth it to me to hang in there and give our children an intact family...as imperfect as it is (who's is?).
So, to answer your question, yes, I think honesty and transparency are important to a healty M. But I also believe that for now, keeping my mouth shut is more productive than demanding something that is not going to happen until my H has a major change of heart/personality. I'm not sure if that really addressed your question--let me know if you want clarification.
