Did your MLC spouse suffer from emotional abandonment as a child?
I'm trying to determine if it is a contributing factor leading up to MLC and how much of a role it plays in one's MLC. I would love to hear from anyone who thinks their S was emotionally abandoned. If you yourself were emotionally abandoned as a child, any insight you have would also be appreciated.
I have also asked this question to "MLC Graduates" on Tia's thread. You may want to check that thread for responses from MLCers.
Mine was. His mom was a WAW when he was a teen; all the kids felt that she "abandoned" them because she was more interested in her new law school friends than in giving them attention.
The way I see it, H pushed me to recreate his childhood by abandoning him. When he couldn't drive me away, he had to recreate his childhood by having the affair HIMSELF. Weird, huh?
His father was killed by a drunk driver when he was 5.
His mother wasn't there for him after, she became involved in herself by going out with men and marrying again within a couple of years. That M was short lived (only a few months) and then the mother got remarried again to some jerk who was into drugs and alcohol. He killed himself by driving drunk and high about 10 years into the marriage.
My H used to say he raised himself because no one was there for him and no one cared for him. He told me his mother never said the words "I love you" to him, in fact he remembers the one time when she told him she didn't love him. He did something bad when he was little and she punished him and he said "but mom, I am sorry, I love you." She turned around and said "well I don't love you." Those words stuck with him forever.
He has told me that they (his mother and grandparents)used to forget about him and would forget to pick him up from after school activities. He said the grandparents cared about his younger sister more. I think the mother emotionally abandoned all of her kids.
So yes, I think this had a lot to do with his MLC of today.
This question was really well covered back a couple of years ago...I can't remember if it is in one of the resources threads, or just a poster's thread that really got going.
Anyway, there was quite a consensus "yes" answer.
In my case: Xh's dad left, divorced, and remarried in secret when XH was about 4 or 5. HIs mom died when XH was about 9. His dad took a whole year to move back in full time...meanwhile XH was cared for by older sis who was all of 17 at the time.
Sucks pretty bad, doesn't it. When I get totally low on compassion I force myself to remember.
I don't think my H was ever that close to his father to begin with, but the family suffered a crisis when H was in his early teens. FIL's A's and possible subsequent family is something my H doesn't talk about. Nobody in the family does. The issue continues to this day and still hasn't been resolved almost 20 years later.
Since then, my H has been the one to leave a R before the other person leaves him.
I think the things our MLCer's went through were so unimaginably horrible, it's difficult to ever know how it would feel and what kind of emotional damage was caused. I wonder if they themselves realize the damage that was caused and fail to see it as one of the demons they have to face.
AH, if you could remember whose thread this topic was discussed on, I'd love to try to dig it up.
Hi sh- My H's parents had already passed away before we had met so I really know what my H has told me. So, from what I have gathered, my H's family was was pretty normal with the exception of the mom being emotionally distant. The thing I find most interesting was that shortly after my H's younger sister left for college mom had an affair (my H left me shortly after his D left for college)...left dad for the OM and marries him...dad becomes friends with the OM's female friend (not sure if it was romantic or not). When OM and the girlfriend both pass away, my H's parents got back together...hmmm. Now I am wondering if my H's mom had the MLC or if she was just attention starved because his dad's MLC...or maybe both. And it makes me wonder if there is any genetic predisposition for MLC/depression/inability to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
Just as a side note to that, my H always talked very fondly about his dad but barely ever mentioned his mother. When my H started going through this, I noticed that he seemed to have what I called "mommy issues"...he didn't like me suggesting that he eat breakfast or take vitamins...that kind of thing. Now my H is saying that he has issues with women because he thinks he has let them control him. This is all so weird.
Well, my H never met his father as his father refused to be a Dad. They had one email exchange about three years ago and that's the only contact he's ever had with him. His mother had three kids by different men and raised them by herself. I'm sure she was busy, know she was broke and was always struggling and she's not exactly a hotbed of warmth herself. So, yep.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
MLM's father was in the military and would go away from the family for months, even years at a time...so he only had his mother...who clung to her children for dear life...cannot blame her really, she only had them and was acting as I would, I think.
Anyhow, by the time my H was 7 or 8 he knew his father was an alcoholic and his father was never really affectionate with them.
SO, he comes from the family with the mother who over compensated and the father who drank too much. they eventually D'd when H was in grad school...but so much damage had been done...my H had not spoken to his father for 8 years when I first met him and only started talking to him when we got engaged b/c he didn't want to 'bring that into a marriage'.
Now, his conversation is sprinkled with "so and so would let me stay at their house b/c they knew how things were at my house"...he would never have mentioned those things before...
my H was the oldest and a boy so he feels responsible for everyone. Now, he must take care of his mother, which I am sure he will do for the rest of his life.
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
According to H's mother, his father was distant and cold for about 4-7 yrs. He would never be around. During that time he had an affair and didnt participate in vacations or anything with the kids.
H's sister was frightened by him and would cry when he would pull up in the driveway. One Christmas H's father said "Next year will be different ..and that was that.
I'm reviving this thread after reading an interesting study on emotional abandonment.
It's a long article, and in my sitch, H doesn't necessarily fit any of the descriptions that well because it seems to focus mostly on victims emotionally abandoned by their mothers at a very young age (my H was abandoned by father during his early teens). But I found this one particular part very interesting because like many others, my H said he felt empty when he dropped the bomb. Maybe this explains why they seek out A's:
"There's little capacity to respond passionately to a healthy/rewarding dynamic, because the familiar ache of intense longing and yearning (which has come to be interpreted as "Love") is absent with an available partner. One's perception of such a relationship is that "something's missing," as it cannot trigger feelings that parallel his unrequited attachment experiences in childhood."
The article might also be useful for anyone like me who has young children, to show us how NOT to depend on our children for emotional support during this difficult time, because the effects will stay with them and affect their adult relationships in an unhealthy way. The last thing I want to do is unintentionally create a monster worse than my MLC-ing H!
