I'm trying not to think about H. He initiated a few texts about a gift for our daughter for her upcoming Confirmation. When I was free, I'd text back. He called.. after I was done with errands, I called back and we chatted briefly about our daughter and who would contact his family to see who was coming.
By the time I called his mom and two sisters, no one could come due to length of travel, soccer championships and illness. Each family had a different issue. It all works out for a reason, and the get together will be smaller with less chance of emotional implosions.
I have to let go of feeling left out, excluded when the kids talk to their dad. But like anything I get used to the twinges, more familiar. It's like nerve endings tingling lil messages.. "Get a life.. so it hurts.. he's left.. just do"
This morning while the kids were sleeping, I continued packing his clothes, folding the heavily starched dress shirts with the hangers on. It was kinda interesting to make the serpentine curves to get the shirts to fit without wrinkling. The suits went in too. I stopped worrying about which clothes were expensive and would he just toss everything. With an occasional dewy eye, I filled up the boxes. Golf shirts and golf jackets, bulky robes are left. The packed boxes were placed in the room so brightly lit by sunlight. I left the door almost shut so the kids wouldn't see the boxes on their way downstairs.
If it weren't for DR, I'm sure I'd be contacting him, cajoling, arguing my point of how unfair it is, pleading for him to love me. At times today I felt like a worm impaled on a hook, just twirling, dangling. Part of me wondered if I should be pursuing, letting him know how important he is, how vital he is to me, to our family. Asking how he call leave it all.
And then, words from the wise crop up.. give him his space, all the space he needs. Hope, any hope recedes into a bleak darkness and tears flow. I notice I'd better stop binge eating because the cellphone is nestled on my belly. It's alright to feel the tears as long as I get up and do something. What would I pursue.. each of us is evolving for what will come.
It's like playing masochistic peek-a-boo. YAY.. sunshine, hope and light.. OUCH.. darkness despair angst... THANK GOODNESS.. positive feelings strength... NOT AGAIN.. fear trepidation anxiety. The light is lasting longer, the dark still hurts but the knife is duller.
It's a mystery.. a journey.. and what a way to grow.
One last thing. So often I write about my suffering or challenges. I don't spend much time worrying about his. I get scared sometimes when I spend too much time posting here.. that the emotions I describe possess greater power than they should. It's about balance, isn't it?
On 9/11 I watched in shock, numb as it played out on the TV. Finally I got up, and went to the store. I didn't want those images seared any deeper into my brain.
The feelings I have now are valid.. but I can't give them free reign. This is a major event in my life but it's not going to be my life.
