H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

EVD,

saying he's glad you're the mother of his kids is a good thing. It's respectful and that is part of love. Respect.

"Balancing" between detaching and pursuing and worrying about being apathetic is something I don't understand. I doubt seriously that your h will ever think you are apathetic. Just detach, don't pursue, stay calm, hold your head up.

As for "confessing" to your d's, too much info probably. But own it. I mean, if you had an A, even if a brief one, tell them whether you think it was a choice you are morally comfortable with. I'm assuming you regret it. Tell them. Don't blur the lines. Draw them. Live by them. Your daughters want lines drawn and they want to see others live by them. Alcoholics who recover demonstrate that while they were "wrong" or unhealthy when they drank, they did stop and they can stay sober. Similarly, it's alright to draw lines and live by them, while admitting that you once crossed them. In fact, you could be a good example of why those lines should be followed. And forgive yourself. Maybe someday you could ask your xh to forgive you, for the A. Not everything. Not taking ALL the blame for the D. But admitting to him that the A wasn't right and you're sorry it hurt him. Could it hurt? (I don't know.)

As for praying, hey I'm no daily communicant. But I've really come to believe in a Higher Power. Sometimes it is hard to believe in a loving God and a messenger/Son, etc. But I can't believe all the love I've felt, and complex things like neurosurgery and landing on the moon, are all the result of random molecules banging into each other. Meaning, it's harder for me to believe in purposelessness, than in God.

As for silent wishes, maybe that is what a prayer feels like for you. I sometimes feel I'm talking to myself and hear a response, and in my heart and mind, that "voice" is God's. I'm confident that He is the "source" of strength I feel and get, including from people here. We can be instruments of goodness. God sends us help. "Seek and you shall find." I don't have a lot of scriptural references b/c my faith is strong, but not so much my "creed", meaning the details are less clear to me than the over all core. But the seeking and finding part, that I remember.

When my h first left, I prayed to know God's will for my M, and I prayed like crazy for patience with him, fortitude, etc. Then, and still, I ask for help in forgiving him, letting go of our past to remake a peaceful future... Whatever you believe about Jesus's death/resurrection, he was definitely all about forgiveness and making peace.

When alone with my thoughts, just after h's left for Alaska, I prayed a lot. I wanted to know the right thing to do by the children, and God, and h and I. The thing is, for ME, being happy is LARGELY related to feeling that I've made morally good choices. I mean, if I'm 80 years old, and look back on my life and feel I made selfish choices that hurt my children or M, I will NOT be happy. So I guess I'm saying do the right thing is part of beng happy in the long run. Selfish choices hurt people and that doesn't bode well for happiness later. When you hurt people, enough, you lose them. I remember also praying that God would open my heart and mind to the choices h was making. like giving Alaska a try.

So I find myself here. H's dreams have not been fulfilled here. Though I do feel sorry for him, honestly, I also am relieved. The decision that we move back to California is clear. We would go now if d10 weren't in school AND of course, mil has just been diagnosed with cancer. She will die this year, probably in a few months. This came as a shock to me and h. So I felt that moving, starting a new job and caring for your dying mother was too much all at once. I lost my father over 10 years ago and I still say it's an underrated event. I worry very much for how my h will take his mother's pending death. I'm trying hard to take on the "extras" in life; i.e., paying all the bills, childcare, the houses, my own job, cooking, etc. It's really hard to do it all. But I'd hate to be him. My mom is older than h's, and I'm so glad she's still with us. H's mother is Russian, and HER mother is 95 and also Russian, and .....the grandma will have to live with someone soon. Now I'm really going to be praying for strength. She is a "difficult" woman and I admire my mil for her years of patience.

Interesting about your h's fleeing his mother's death bed. Very curious. He cannot see...what? Pain he's causing you? Guilt? Are you like his mother at all? The opposite? Guess bravery isn't one of his strong suits. Not yet anyhow.

I apologize if I sound preachy about religion. I can't stand it when I'm sad and someone tells me just to pray about it b/c sometimes it seems they want to shut me up or they have nothing else to say, or they're uncomfortable, etc.

But then, if God is real, as I believe, it's idiotic not to seek guidance or strength isn't it? Turning it over to God sure helped me sleep. Helps with the OW stop sign too.

When I said "Hackneyed cliches", I meant worn out, trite platitudes; which your h used a lot of in his email to your d's. Much of what he said was unecessary, although in his mind, well intentioned.

Detach, detach, detach. Don't fear that you will appear to not care, if you do this detachment with warmth (not affection, just relaxed ease and confidence in the "new you") and serenity. Serenity is attractive. Fake it 'til you make it, IS exactly what I did so often the first 6 months. I didn't want to drag others down, let alone be down myself. I recall a workshop (unrelated to marriage, but emotional issues would rise as part of the acting process--yes, I live near Hollywood and do some theater/film things...ANYHOW, I cried about H's choices and the coach said, "you were sad about this a year ago when you worried about the M's problems of Alaska, etc." I realized OMG! I have been upset about this for so long and have changed NOTHING in me! WTH?

Sometimes a light goes off and something in us changes, for the better. Well, I'm rambling now. Take care,
(( j- ))