I'm so sorry that you felt down after seeing your H. It's hard when you get your expectations up and then don't see them being met.
You mentioned that you thought H might show some sort of interest. I think that maybe it would be reasonable to look for signs like that after a few meetings, but at the first one he was probably feeling a little wary and nervous himself.......
I have to say that reading your posts, I'd been wondering if it might be time to do something different......I know you want to spend some quality time with your H (or sometimes want to, but other times don't!). However, not contacting him at all doesn't seem to have helped get to that goal. Therefore some friendly (but not pursuing) contact might be a good different approach to try....I'm not suggesting pursuing in the way that people do at the time of the bomb. Just a bit of being nice- ask if he wants to go for a drink perhaps. As Ali says, nothing to lose.....
You said that you just want someone to love you Essie.....well, that person is you! (and of course we all love you too). Do you think there's anything you could do to feel strong enough to get to a position of friendship with your H? When I first started trying to be friends with my H, I have to say that I cried every time I saw him (afterwards, not during). It is so hard at first because you're looking for signs all the time but it does get easier.
I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Whatever you decide (whether it's to try an alternative approach, or to move on), I know you'll make the right decision Essie. That's because firstly you're super smart and sensitive and you are such an expert at DB principle application. And secondly, because you know the future!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I agree with Lisa, I had to be sooo strong to be friends with my BF and act or cool and smiley when I saw him and I would sob and sob after he left, literally, on the carpet wailing. But it gets easier! I think you've been very hands off and acted so super confident whenever he speaks to you, its possible he is either confused by that, or hasnt got a clue that you still love him?
Like I said to some other people, I reckon there are times when it pays to show an incey wincey bit of vunerability? And I agree with Lisa, one meeting is early days.
I'm having a hard time today, even after all the contact I have had, I am finding it tough and want to chuck in the towel. It hurts so much! We have all essentially been apart from our partners for months now and you do have to have a big heart and a lot of faith to keep going.. I think you may as well "try something different" before giving up.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Dearest Essie, I admire your strenth and ability to face your emotions. Believe it or not you are doing really well. Your H is missing alot by not hanging with such a great lady.
BTW: I love you and so does everyone else on this board. Some luck guy is going to come into your life soon and knock you off your feet. You will love and you will be loved again.
I know it hurts but Time takes time. Feel your pain and acknowledge it.
I know you feel like *pants* but you are doing SUCH a good job. Your text was super sweet and a good move. (Your story about H's smoke alarm adventures, esp the part where everyone was just LOOKING at the smoke alarm beeping, made me laugh out loud.) I think your sarcastic comment about nutter neighbors is OK because you laughed together. I think that is BIG. Sweet Essie, it sounded like all of your interactions with H have been positive. That is what we are looking for right???? Can you share your goals with us again, your baby step goals???
Someone else came up with this formula:
number of interactions x positivity of interactions = more positive outlook of WA towards us
dearest Essie, I feel exactly in the same boat as you, but everyone has told me that the interaction gets easier and not as insanely destabilizing.
I know it sucks to have thigns to cry about but just let it all out, don't carry that stuff around. !!!
After my first interaction with my B I felt SO EMOTIONAL nothing made sense and I couldn't sleep until after 4 in the morning or something... and I yearned for him to love me like I haven't since before the bomb. I thought, WTFFFFF?????
I am with Ali and One Day... it might be time to try something different. do you think you could reach out at this point? I myself am learning the difference between being friendly vs pursuing, and non-pursuing vs. appearing indifferent or aloof.
Can I ask you some questions?
Is there any chance he is looking for you to make a move, even a baby step move??
Do you know if he is "working on his issues" at all, or coudl you share with us what they were?
What are his love languages? Is there any way you could use them in a light and friendly way?
What ways can you make yourself feel fabulous?
What are you goals for yourself right now?
What are your baby step goals for your R?
Essie, I am giving you the biggest virtual hug that is humanly possible!!!
Thank you all for being on the other side of the computer screen. I want to journal as a way of working out how I'm feeling. I've just felt so confused and upset the last couple of days. Crying all the way to work, and then I have to pull myself together.... its been months and months since I felt like that. After H left it was such a relief for it to be over, and it comes as a shock to realise I'm not as strong or as healed as I thought I was.
I think the hardest part of seeing H was how closed he was. Really guarded. There is none of the intimacy, but he is the same person. And that made me feel like I need to protect myself too, to get my guard up. I thought we were further along the stages to reconciliation, but we are firmly in phase one of reducing anger and tension, we are not into phase two of being friends. He is sending signals for me to keep my distance. So I guess my gut reaction to that was anger and to try and find someone who wants to be with me. (I have to choose to accept that H doesn't want me to share in his life right now) Ouch!
I really seriously thought about closing the door on reconciliation because it would stop the pain. If I could get a divorce tomorrow and that would stop all of this hurting, uncertainty and wipe everything out then I would. I know it doesn't work like that, but if only I could start again fresh. If I could make that decision that I would never take him back I think it would give me a sense of control, which is very tempting. I also dont want to spend another week feeling crappy just because I've seen him and I let him make me feel that way. (How do I stop him having that power?) I dont feel like I'm strong enough, or the relationship is worth it enough to be able to push down all the hurt so that I could see him and we can reconnect as friends.
BUT. I am so committed to the idea of marriage and I do want to say that I tried everything, that I cant just shut the door yet (I'm a romantic).... I have to at least wait until the divorce goes through. 6 months down, 6 months to go.
So what to do now. This is where I'm really doubting myself. Nothing appears to be working. I dont even know if I want him back that much.
If we are still in Phase 1, then I still just have to give him space and concentrate on me, and wait for him to miss me and make a move towards me. I'm scared that I feel so hurt and let down by him, that I wont see him making a move unless its big enough to involve diamonds!!
T - I see your questions above and I will have a go at answering them (thanks for asking them and helping me think through things)
Is there any chance he is looking for you to make a move, even a baby step move?? Yes possibly. He's probably stuck feeling guilty. Do I want to make a move? Something in my gut screams NO, its got to be up to him. Will he be stubborn and stick with the decision he made even if he regrets it? - possibly. Can I do anything to change that - I dont know?? Is this time for me to let go more, or to reach out? I dont know.
Do you know if he is "working on his issues" at all, or could you share with us what they were? Appears not. He appears to be pretending to be 18 and pretending his life is fantastic. He reeked of smoke on Sunday. He started smoking post bomb, and it used to really bug me. Not the smoking so much (although I think its a dumb habit), but lying about it and sneaking around. Did he purposely smell of smoke to be rebellious? The smoking thing is perhaps linked with his dad (who died when H was 8 years old) - H's most vivid memory of his Dad is his Dad asking him to go and buy him a pack of cigarettes.
H doesnt show any signs of realising that everything might not have been my fault. His reason for leaving was that he thought that I could make him happy. Apparently I was responsible for everything including H's happiness, and I took the blame....
What are his love languages? Is there any way you could use them in a light and friendly way? Hmmm his are touch and time. And maybe affirmation. On Sunday he made a comment about how the house was falling down without him. It made me so mad (your choice to leave buddy! and I actually thought I was doing a pretty good job), but maybe he just wanted to hear that I missed him and that I did appreciate him....
What ways can you make yourself feel fabulous? I'm working on meeting new people. I've shopped and treated myself heaps, but its starting to feel a bit empty.
What are you goals for yourself right now? I need to increase my circle of friends, so that I dont get too lonely on weekends.
What are your baby step goals for your R? I would love for H to ask to see me outside of an excuse. Just to catch up. That seems like a million years away.
Any ideas about reaching out v. making a move (the slightest bit of pressure and he will bolt)?
(((One Day))) (((Ali))) (((K))) (((Broken Tree))) (((Dry Heat))) thanks so much for reading my mammoth posts, and for being so generous with your ideas and encouragement.
I am so sorry you've been feeling so bad and wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. It is HARD to be in contact and to see someone withdrawn and cold in place of the person you knew so well. It's the alien, I think.....
You know, I wonder if you should maybe reach out to H a little bit if you feel up to it. The main reason, I think, is that I wonder if he is guarded and closed because he's hurting and doesn't know how to interact with you. I know you'd like him to make the first move.....but I wonder if doing something different might move things along more quickly? After all, the worst that could happen if you reach out is that he remains closed. In which case you re-evaluate and decide on another plan (?).
I would love to see you post a list of goals for yourself and your R with H. T and I did some at the beginning of the year which I'm not sure if you saw? Maybe some goals together with baby steps that would be a sign that H's attitude is softening? I would see him asking to see you without an excuse as a toddler step right now......would there be something smaller that might indicate a change in his attitude at all? Eg. smiling a bit more, holding your gaze perhaps? Maybe he;d need to see you a few times with an excuse before building up to seeing you without one?
Just a thought. My �0.02! It's hard isn't it? The not knowing what to do. I've been feeling like that all week and I don;t know how to fix it. For me, I probably need to take action- commit to my plan again. But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.
(((((Essie)))) I hope you're feeling better today.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I know I myself am really afraid of "pursuing" but he might be looking for signs from you that it's OK to open up. Also, I think we might be going through something similar... we've both put ourselves into a much better place than we were months ago, and then a tiny bit of contact with our WAs totally throws us for a loop and I know I'm thinking, wait, what about all that inner strength and composure I've been cultivating? Even though I had a really positive interaction last week, I was up all night sleepless and crying I think 3 times since then, and have been having a lot of trouble sleeping even when I don't feel weepy. It just kind of sucks to think we've come so far and now there is a whole new stage of actually DEALING with the WA IN PERSON !!! But don't underestimate your strength and capacity to grow! Think about how far you've come. If you have grown and strengthened that much, I am sure that you can grow and strengthen enough to deal with the crazyness of being "friendly" with H! And we are all here to help you do that!
The "guarded" thing hurts so much, but I think they have to put up a huge wall, not b/c they don't care, but because they are feeling so much, they are so overloaded, and this is the only way that they can function/deal with it. I think it is actually a sign that he still really cares about you, otherwise, why would he need to put up his guard?
It sounds like what you want is relief from your situation, and are thinking that getting a D will get you relief. Hm... I am going to support you no matter what you decide, but I really think you haven't tried everything yet, no matter how you may feel! And while in the end a D may bring you relief, I think the process of getting one will put you through massive pain. So... let's see what else we can try first!!!
AFFIRMATION!!! That's GREAT!~!! b/c it is a bit of a challenge to do touch and quality time when you are in little to no contact. Maybe you could focus on affirmation for now! It sounds like his comment about the house falling down was him either putting his foot in his mouth b/c he was nervous OR him looking for reassurance from you that his Manly Skills are still needed and appreciated!!
I hear what you're saying about treating yourself starting to feel empty. B/c money & new things can't meet emotional needs. What GAL activities are you interested in doing that would put you in a new community? Also, are you living a bit far from your family and friends? Do i remember that correctly? Would it be possible for you to go home on the weekend once a month or even more, to tap into the support system that you already have?
In terms of a next step, I'm wondering about sending H another compliment about the work he did on your home. Or -- this might be crazy -- asking him to spend some time with you, something light, neutral, like a cup of coffee. Or, what activity would have a hard time turning down b/c he loves it so much?
Have you read JamesJohn's "coming out of the dark" thread?
((((ESSIE)))
you are doing so well... I am really proud of you!!!
Hi guys! I think I'm back! I fell into a bit of a hole there... and was struggling to keep it together. Have been so teary and achy all week.
This afternoon I gave myself space to think about what's not working. I went back and re-looked at some of the basics and realised that I was struggling to accept the separation and that my lovely H just doesnt exist anymore. And I had started to focus on the negatives of being single, so I forced myself to focus on the positives of being single. And I've had to go right back to the beginning and break my time down into 1/2 blocks and think what about what I'd like to do for the next 1/2 hour.
So am feeling much better. I made myself go out tonight to see people I dont really know and forced myself to be friendly and chatty, and I feel more in control again. Being single is good - who knows who you can meet, and I can just focus on myself.
I also rang H this afternoon about half way through sorting out in my head all the stuff above. I rang him to ask for some manly 'advice' - he was very chatty and helpful. But still closed about himself. Oh well. I felt like calling him (up until now I have only called to return his text messages) was a big enough step on my part, and that asking to see him is too huge a step and would not go over well at this stage. I hope it sends enough of a message that we can talk OK on the phone, even if seeing each other is still too hard for us both. I'm feeling so much better. I love him. I'm waiting for him, but I'm going to have a good time in the meantime. When he's ready he can step towards me. I'm happy now to wait for him to make a move.
I think if he contacts me in less than 3 weeks it will be a baby step towards me. My goals for me are to meet new people and have a great fantastic life separate from H, so that I am a complete whole person. (Having a good group of friends is what I'm lacking cause we moved countries 2 years ago). I just want friends to do stuff with. I think I realised today that I wouldnt be happy if H came back now because I havent had time to make enough changes in my life.
(((One Day))) (((T))). Thanks for supporting me and challenging me!
