My first post - Dday#2 and separating

[stillbreathing]

This is my first time posting on this board. 2 weeks ago I was completely blindsided with DDay#2 and I am just now coming out of the shock and despair and am ready to try to figure out just how I am going to move forward with my life. I have been through alot of crap in my life, but this has definitely been the hardest.

Our background: Me BW 30, Him WH 32, 3 kids 9, 4 and 2. We currently live in the same house but as of a week ago are separating. I know in my mind that its probably the only option, but my heart still doesn't want to destroy my family or give up on my marriage.

I'll try my best to make this brief but sometimes its hard to sort out what is important and what is not. A started years ago during a time when we were contemplating Ding. We only had one child and were all but out the door. OW was a very desperate and clingy person. In fact, when we first met her I TOLD my h to befriend her because he was a nice guy and she was so low. She became obsessed with H, offered him money for sex, bought him gifts, etc. and that was how it started. Meanwhile, we concieved DS#2 and were trying to rebuild our marriage. We lost our home to a natural disaster 3 days before he was born so we also spent quite a lot of time in survival mode after that. OW always threaten to tell me everything (among other things) when he tried to leave her. She clung to him with all her might and refused to let him go. WH asked me to have a 3rd baby with him. I said I was not ready but he was persistent and I gave in. I loved him and i loved our family. I think he thought that having a 3rd child would finally end things with OW and give us something to focus our marriage on. He was wrong.

Dday#1 was when i was 6 mos pregnant. He told me everything. He begged me and pleaded to help him be free of OW, even if I divorced him. It wasn't easy but I chose to stay. I knew OW was still around - wh is somewhat of a "public figure" and can't keep her from seeing him in public places. I wanted a restraining order, but the MC at the time advised against it. She said that ROs often esculate these situations and can turn a person tettering on the brink to violence. She said if WH just ignored her that she would probably go away in time. Eventually, i cared less and less. I honestly thought that WH would never make the same mistake and allow this woman back into his life.

She never went away. And eventually WH fell back to his addiction. He enjoyed having his ego stroked, he liked the way she worshipped him above all else, he enjoyed getting gift, etc. He chose to go back to the A, and I had no idea AT ALL. He didn't show any of the classic signs this time and our M was better than ever. Finally, for the first time, we were in love and happy. I was finally at hte point where I was healing from the A, it wasn't hte first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before bed. We were going o be OK. At least that is what i thought.

Once again the OW threaten to tell me everything when he tried to break it off. He enlisted the help of one of her friends to get her to go away without me knowing. His intention was to end it with OW and put his whole heart into our M, finally. This friend sent him an email to our shared account, discussing ways to get rid of OW. She thought it was his personal account. I read it. That was Dday#2, 2 weeks ago.

For the first few days he was oh so sorry, brought me flowers, he loved me, etc. I was angry, I was sad, I was devestated, but still I wasn't ready to give up completely. We have 3 small kids and I would move the world for them. I wrote him a letter and outlined the thing i would need to TRY. He came back a few days later and said although my requests were completely reasonable, He could not honestly give them to me. He wanted a D. I told him I wasn't going to try and convince him to stay and i would move on with my life. We agreed to live in the same house to work out the logistics, get a 2nd car, and make the transition easier for the kids. We haven't told them yet but when I told him that once we DO tell them we have passed the point of no return, he said "I am already beyond the point of no return."

And for the most part, that is what i have been trying to do. I moved all his clothes and belongings to the spare room. He resisted and asked me "is all this necessary?". I said yes. I'm trying to stay away from home when he is with the kids. He tries to engage in conversation and I try to back away without causing a scene. He wants to know why we can't be "more friendly". I said I needs space and time. Today we did work on the garden together and it about drove me insane, but I kept a neutral tone and attitude, I think. This afternoon our 2 year old tried to push our heads together to make us kiss. He put his arms around me and I turned and walked away.

So, there it is. Well, at least the major parts. I've been on this roller coaster for 6 years and I know i just can't do it anymore. I love him, I adore him, I don't want to break apart my family. I don't want this. I have never waned this. But he doesn't want to be married. I need to accept that.

Little by little I am taking care of me. Sometimes its harder than others. I have good friends around me. I work in a small office of all woman and everyone has embraced me. My kids are awesome and amazing. I'm lucky to have so much. But still I feel totally broken.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to put it out there, once again, and maybe I'll actually believe this is reality and not some terrible dream.

[stillbreathing]

My niece was born today. Wh's sister had a little girl. It is my kids first and only cousin. I went to see them at the hospital today. None of the family knows yet. I held that little baby and just fell in love. And then I cried the whole way home because I know I'll have to give up being a part of that family. I have been a part of the family for 12 years and I have to let them go. They are good people. I know they'll always love my kids. But I also know that blood this thicker and the right thing to do is just let WH have his family.

[girlfromipanema]

stillbreathing,

i'm sorry your feeling so broken. my heart goes out to you. why do you think your H was enlisting the help of a friend to leave OW and now says he only wants a D? What were your requirements outlined in the letter?

[saffie]

If your H is a 'public' figure do you think OW is blackmailing him emotionally with going public if he tries to work things out with you???

Something feels not quite right about this. To be enlisting the help of a friend to get rid of OW, (which is why you saw the eamil), to then go to wanting a D now that you know the whole truth just seems strange. I would have thought your H would feel relief that it was all out in the open and you could work as a team at getting rid of OW. Is it one of your 'requirements' that is the sticking point? If he thinks your requirements are reasonable then surely there is something else going on here?

I am so pleased you have a good support network.

You know, this doesn't sound like it's done yet. I am so curious as to your H's turn around - why fight for keeping the M for so long to just being like this in a two/three week period? Strange.

[stillbreathing]

Thank you for the support. I do appreciate it. Although i have a good network around me, I still don't want to overburden anyone. Of course they say I'm not but still, this is something I need to blaze through on my own.

I don't think OW is blackmailing him. I can't really see how she could taint his public image. This kind of thing is almost expected in his industry (musician). Beside, I already told everyone who might matter. I went on a hysterical rampage after dday and told everyone we know.

His reasonings? He said he is finally being honest with himself. Said he always WANTED to make it work but never wanted to really give his full heart into trying. Says he just doesn't want to be married. He gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you. He never wanted to be the dickhead who walked away from his family but now he just has to and doesn't care what anyone thinks.

My requirements were pretty tame, I think. No contact with OW. Quit his weekly show that is right around the corner from her house (she bought a house there when he started playing there). He's says no matter what is happening with us it is over with OW. I don't know if thats true, or how long it will last or if I even care. Making efforts to have me be a bigger part of his life, like getting a babysitter so I can go out with him on late nights. He says he doesn't want me to be a babysitter for him. I said you can either look at it as being a prisoner or a partner. He said he would always feel like a prisoner. I can't remember what else right now. Those were the big ones.

This morning he had a royal flip out. He was supposed to have the kids and when I went to leave he went nuts. He actually said "How am I supposed to be able to stay out until 4am and have the things I want with my life if you won't let me sleep?!" I stayed calm. I didn't yell. I just said that i have to move on with my life and I can't care about how he get the things he wants. Thats up to him to figure out. I can only worry about what is best for me and my kids. He took the car keys and tried to stop me from leaving. For the first time in 12 years I actually worried about things getting violent (it didn't). Finally he let me go after calling me a heartless bitch who is trying to take his life away from him. He has always said no matter what happens with us that i would never have to worry about money. Now, he tried to tell me to stay away from HIS money. I said I don't want to be dependant on him, but the only way I will be able to do that is to move on with my life. I have been a SAHM for 10 years and only went back to work very part time last year.

I don't know who this alien is.

[saffie]

He's someone under threat. He is someone who has been caught out and is now going to have to face the consequences.

He needs to let this all sink in - he may well re-evaluate when he sees the reality of it all.

You sound like you have your head screwed on right - well done

[JenInVen]

Hi I just wanted to say that the OW in your sitch worries me. She seems like she'll do whatever she can do keep him. Please be careful of her.

Jen

[stillbreathing]

Thank you, saffie, for your attention. I really do appreciate it. I know we are all hurting and I wish I could give everyone on these boards the support they need, but right now my feelings are so raw and it takes all my energy to just get through the day. I'm glad I sound well because I certainly don't feel well.

He might re-evaluate but I just don't feel like I can bank on that right now. I am also going to have to figure out whether or not there will be any hope in me if he does change his mind. It seems to me that it would all be to serve his own needs. Do I really want to be with someone like that? I wish i didn't.

Jen, I will keep myself and my children safe from OW. I promise.

I'm trying to figure out what my next move should be. The other day he asked if I would still "let" him go away with his friend this friday. Friday should be his day with the kids. Do I trade days with him? Or tell him he needs to figure it out on his own. I don't have any specific plans right now but i could keep myself busy.

[stillbreathing]

I need help setting some goals for communicating and interacting with him. I'm running on autopilot and I don't know how long that can last.

We haven't told the kids yet but I know they are feeling it. My 9 yo had a total breakdown tonight for "no reason". Do I tell WH about it, or just hold my baby extra tight and deal with it alone? He is a good and involved dad but I fear what might happen if I talk about the kids at all. He's not rational right now. I need to protect them.

[girlfromipanema]

stillbreathing,

I was hoping someone with more DBing experience could help you establish some goals. I wanted to bump your thread so others could see it.

CAN ANYONE HELP STILLBREATHING ESTABLISH SOME GOALS FOR COMMUNICATING AND INTERACTING WITH HER HUSBAND?

When our emotions are so raw, it's difficult to detach, but I try to practice "mindfulness" which is basically staying in the present. Acknowledging the pain, and allowing yourself to feel it, but not focusing on the past or future. It's difficult to explain, but it helps me when I'm feeling out of sorts with my emotions. Take a few breaths, center yourself and focus on the moment and it helps. I'm hoping some DBers who know what they're talking about can chime in with some words o' wisdom.

Take care, stillbreathing.