Thanks D&C and Addie for stopping by and giving me your input, I really appreciate it and I am determined that I will stop pursuing her.
Just left her "our" house as I had to drop S10 off from the weekend, we had some good conversations and I did notice that we had a lot of eye contact. Now I really don't know if we have been having eye contact or not as I have not paid any attention to it but since being on these boards for the last week I am trying to see these types of things. We did not talk anything about our relationship at all, we just really talked about other things and all went well. I had to drop my laundry off there earlier today as I don't have a washer/dryer yet and she has been doing my clothes for the past 3 weeks since I finally left my parents house and got my own place.
I would like to add that I told her one day this week that I have dropped my going forward with the lawyers. She is the one that wants this and I don't, something told me it was not the right thing to do. Anyway, on Friday night when I picked the kids up she was acting ill, she told me she received the letter from my lawyer the day before about my intentions of going forward with our process. I told her she could tear that up as I have put a hold on that. She asked what changed my mind, I just told her that I didn't think it was the right thing to do. She stated did you not like them or something? I said no, it had nothing to do with that, in fact I did like them. I ended up asking her for my wedding ring back that I gave back to her about 2 weeks ago when I saw no signs going my way and thought the Divorce was the right thing to do. Her statement to that was "why do you want it back, you were so easy to give it up." Now I don't try to read alot into this as I am trying my best to get all of this off my mind and have a peaceful life without all of the drama. What I did read into it though is she thought I was giving up too easily but who really knows what she meant by it.
I also went on and told her that I was not going to keep hurting like I have been over the last 4 months, it was not healthy and that I have to let her go. W didn't have anything to say to this.
I also told her I would not be fighting her for anything in the D, she could have whats in the house, all that I ask is that she makes her mind up by May if she plans on keeping the house or selling it. I know my rights on all of this, NC is a 50/50 ED state so I know what she is entitled to and will not try to do her wrong as I don't think she would do that either.
Neither of us are seeing OP, I told her that I know our feelings will change when that happens, of course she told me that I would be the one that did that first as she has no plans on doing so. I can tell you that I read a lot of the threads on here and keep seeing where the LBS keeps finding out about someone else after they have seperated, yes it makes me wonder but my heart tells me this is not the case.
So to make a long story short, I am seperating myself from the rollercoaster. I know it will not be easy but I do have fight in me which has kept me hear for the last 4 months dealing with this. I wish I would have listened to my counselor and what another divorce book told me to do but instead I listened to a close friend who went through a divorce and took his advice on what I should be doing which turned out to be the wrong thing. EX. texting, emailing, calling, begging, saying ILY and all of the others that so many have done. He had good intentions but it just wasn't the right things to save my M.
I will stay low key, be a little mysterious and GAL. I should have done this a long time ago but it is starting and I am feeling better about it. I did get a phone call while I was there this morning dropping clothes off and she did ask "who was that?" I will keep up on these boards and keep my spirit up. It is what it is, I can't control what she does or doesn't do, whatever happens, happens, I will have to live with it but I will continue to keep busting my tail to be better and hopefully she will see it and will want to give our M another try.
