H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, EVD,

I think that's a tough letter to read. I had trouble reading it through. Ouch....

First impressions... He uses lots of hackneyed cliches to justify, but his actual wording isn't too hostile. He PROBABLY has convinced himself, for now, that he is only "being true" to himself, life is about being with someone who "makes" you "happy" as opposed to any issues he has internally, and obviously keeping commitments that aren't "making" one happy" have to get the boot. He definitely is using your past to help him feel more at ease. The one way to sort of turn that around is If he knows, deep down, that you did in fact go through a lot with the first M. You could remind him of the efforts there and how little, comparatively, he did to make this M work. But keep in mind that he may also view your first M very differently than you do now. Your comments today about it, would have to jive with his, more or less. Might not be helpful otherwise. He'll just say the same thing happened in this M, as your last, except he's the one leaving. Was he M before as well?

He doesn't apparently view the OW as a real issue and I think that it's good news. That's b/c he is NOT saying "OW is my true love" "finally met the right woman," etc. He's talking about YOUR M and the problems you two had.
He isn't talking about his future with OW.

Which makes this a little easier in the sense that you have some control as a member of a 2 person relationship. Like the DB books say, M's are relationships with 2 people and if you change one of them, the M itself changes. For me, that's the main premise of DBing. Maybe our changes won't fix all the issues, but by improving ourselves, then all of the relationships we're in, by definition also improve. We just have to hope it's enough down the road to perhaps save the M.

How'd your daughter(s) react? I agree that he could have said more reassuring things to your daughters, but I doubt he meant to define/limit his obligations. Try to reassure them of how much he cares, even if you don't totally believe it. He does care about them although he isn't a very strong man right now. But He isn't trying to be cruel. He wants to reduce expectations of him as much as possible, and he his trying to quell the questions and accusations. So, back off on making them, or having others do it for you.

See, he is defending his choices and he will only bother doing that as long as he feels his choices are being attacked. He can't hear his own "inner voice" b/c others are using their "parental voices" and judging him, accusing him and forcing him to explain. He's defensive b/c he believes everyone is against him, (and OW). Despite his claim that he isn't making excuses or trying to explain himself, that's exactly what he's doing. Somehow he has to feel enough space to do some internal looking without someone there to say (even metaphorically) "See that? That's where you went wrong..." This is HIS search and only his.

The only thing we can safely assume is that your overt attempts to pursue, or to accuse, or to show anger at him, will likely fail. Those are things NOT to do. Same with making him and OW unite because it's them against the world.

You must GAL and "act as if", faking it 'til you're making it, for now. For the possibility of a recon, life with or without him, a happier YOU, all depend on
you GAL and getting there. You really can do this.

Even though we may wish the letter had said "I don't know how I feel about your Mom", or "I'm open to talking" etc., if he's in MLC or some other path that COULD lead back to you, at least he's farther down the road and will get to the end of it, wherever it leads, a bit faster. Hang in there.

Remember my cousin and aunt who divorced and then remarried their ex'es?

It does happen, but not overnight. I think each of them had written their M's off b/c after all, they were divorced. That's it, right? It's over....No pressure or pursuit after their Divorces...

But out of necessity they did try eventually, to have decent relationships with the ex spouse b/c they had kids together. In time, they felt more comfortable with each other. In time, that built to "safe" friendships, and then more happened. They remarried, with their children watching. The 2nd time around for both my cousin and aunt, were better than the first ones. My cousin is still remarried to his ex, (ie, they are still reconciled and it has been over 12 years now) and my uncle died 6 years after their remarriage. At his deathbed, stood my aunt, and their 3 children...
Keep the faith. Or find some and then keep it. Are you religious at all? It definitely helps at times like these and nope, I don't think God deducts points from our "accounts" for waiting until the s--- hits the fan before dialing our "911" emergency calls. I think God is just happy we call him sometimes. Call if you haven't already. He'll give you strength through this.

(( j- ))