I'm so sorry that you felt down after seeing your H. It's hard when you get your expectations up and then don't see them being met.
You mentioned that you thought H might show some sort of interest. I think that maybe it would be reasonable to look for signs like that after a few meetings, but at the first one he was probably feeling a little wary and nervous himself.......
I have to say that reading your posts, I'd been wondering if it might be time to do something different......I know you want to spend some quality time with your H (or sometimes want to, but other times don't!). However, not contacting him at all doesn't seem to have helped get to that goal. Therefore some friendly (but not pursuing) contact might be a good different approach to try....I'm not suggesting pursuing in the way that people do at the time of the bomb. Just a bit of being nice- ask if he wants to go for a drink perhaps. As Ali says, nothing to lose.....
You said that you just want someone to love you Essie.....well, that person is you! (and of course we all love you too). Do you think there's anything you could do to feel strong enough to get to a position of friendship with your H? When I first started trying to be friends with my H, I have to say that I cried every time I saw him (afterwards, not during). It is so hard at first because you're looking for signs all the time but it does get easier.
I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Whatever you decide (whether it's to try an alternative approach, or to move on), I know you'll make the right decision Essie. That's because firstly you're super smart and sensitive and you are such an expert at DB principle application. And secondly, because you know the future!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
