To all of my friends (here and over on Separated):
I want to thank you for your warm, kind words, yet again directed to someone who gets lost so often. I do have to say that those moments are much more infrequent, and I feel a kind of...separateness, from my stbxh that I haven't had before.
I can finally say out loud that he has been with CW for over 2 years. It is irrational to think that I can change him or the situation after all of that time. I can finally say it out loud: I will be divorced in as few as 2 months time.
I remember reading posts from other members who just "didn't get it," shaking my head as I posted again for them to get the focus on themselves, GAL, etc. Yet, I was one of the worst ones. And my self-esteem only got lower and lower; I got sicker and sicker. He, on the other hand, has been nothing but consistent. Oh, except for his anger--that has increased. Seems like the more I gave up, begged, pursued, talked at all, the angrier he got.
My God, I have been on these boards for over a year! What I have really been waiting for, what I was so afraid of happening, was for the part of me that was husband/wife to die. At first I had to accept that the man who I loved so much was gone--the good man was dead, and in his place stood the lier, the cheater, the immoral, the cruel, the selfish. She got that man; I don't want him. Who I wanted so much, that person exists no more.
Then, I had to change. That is relatively new. I have given up hope that we will reconcile. I had to stop pretending that this was just a phase, a challenge that we would somehow find the way through. I gave up hoping that he would finally see. He does see, just not how I had hoped he would. Our perceptions and influences come from two totally opposite places.
Now, I just feel...a bit lost. Like I just lifted my head for the first time in too long of a time to look around. Out of my own fog. More bewildered than panicked. I imagine that people returning to Earth after an alien abduction would feel the same way. Looking ahead at the choices that I have in front of me, now, without the H filter on. Its me, my kids, my family, my friends, my work, my studies, my home...my life. Makes me a bit light-headed. But not scared.
I know that I have made many, many mistakes. But it is the path that I was meant to take. I don't think I could have lived it any other way. Even the darkest of days made me push deeper inward, to the hard work that I needed to do on myself. I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone, but they were necessary for me.
What has come of me, now that I accept the divorce as inevitable? --I dated a man briefly and discovered that I am not dead, nor a troll. It fizzled with no hard feelings either way. --I have found and embraced my spirituality, through becoming a member of a local church and by participating in weekend meditation retreats at an Ashram. --I reconnected, then separated, from my estranged sister. --I go to AlAnon and have a sponsor, both which have helped me understand how my upbringing had set me on the path that I find myself today, for good and bad. --I attended a Self-esteem group, where I found other women who were trying to rewrite the negative scripts in their own heads, and take control over their lives. --I found a place that offers support for divorced families, where I find kindred souls and my kids talk things out and find that they are not alone, but normal. --I am learning the skills to be mindful, to change my behaviors and even ruminating, unwanted thoughts. I learn and relearn that happiness is only found in the present--the past is unchangeable history and tomorrow hasn't happened yet. --I developed and/or deepened friendships and connections with people, many of them strong women who have been on this path before. --I am writing again (I always admired and wanted a diary, even as a young girl, but was never disciplined enough for it. Now it is a daily necessity). --I am learning life skills that I never had to develop in my co-dependent relationship: organization, proper housekeeping, mechanical "man" things like car care and simple construction, making sure that actions accompany thoughts and words, prioritizing my time and energy, taking care of myself, learning to love and accept myself and making a commitment to challenge and improve in ways that I think are important (be true to myself). I am reading good material that supports me in this transformation. --I continue my grad studies, with the goal of completion by the end of the summer. It will be one of my biggest, visible solo achievements. --I am remembering to have fun with my kids and puppy--we are only here, at this very moment, once!
I am getting my butt back to work on the 9th--high time. I have put some routines into place to help me adjust, so I don't feel overwhelmed again (that was the last straw for the Jan "breakthrough"). My life is full of things that I think are important and healthy. My kids are slowly coming to terms with their new lives, too. No, it is not what any of us wanted, but it is what it is, so we might as well deal with it (words of wisdom from my 8-year old!!).
Thank you again, for being here for me (and to Michele, for having these forums in the first place!)
