Yes, that's true me and wife been married for over a year and we have not experienced a sexual intercourse. A little background. We got married in a traditional arranged marriage where I knew the girl only twice before i got engaged. She used to live in another country so the only time I met her after our engagement was when we were getting married. Our engagement time was miserable when I could not connect with her, I didn't felt the physical desire to be with her, and we both know that we are in trouble. But because of our strong religious ethics I decided to follow through on my commitment. We have tried to make this marriage work, I seen a doctor to make sure if there is no medical reasons and he feels that It may be psycological and would require marriage council. We are on the brink of calling it quits. We both are frustrated and I don't know what to do. I'm very religious therefore a divorce is not something I can go for. I want to make this work, but everything seems to be something I have to force. The doctor recommends me taking enhancing drugs but my wife feel if it's not natural then it is not meant for us. I feel sorry for my wife, who left her family for me and now she's left high and dry. What should I do ? Again we have not had any sex for over a year, there is no physical attraction. I still using the traditional ways to fulfill my needs (masturbation, porn) and this is killing me. Please help..Thanks
Who is not attracted to who? How bad do the both of you want to have a great satisfying sexual relationship? There is a way to have a good sex life but you both have to really want it.
Is she the one reluctant? How much time do you spend with her? Do you know her? Are you interested in her? Do you try to fill her emotional needs? Like doing things that make her happy. Ex: giving her flowers or cuddling....things she likes. Do you know what she likes? What does she like to talk about?
You would be surprised at how diving in and really getting to know your spouse and investing time in them and doing nice things for them, even if you don't really fell like it- how your feelings will start to change for them. Even if you were not attracted to them before.
If you really want your marriage to change you are going to have to put some real effort in here. You are going to have to really work hard. Even if you don't right now have any interest in your wife, act like you do and the feelings will follow.
Good luck.
Me: 29 Dear Husband: 31 Married: 6 years Handsome Son: 3 years Beautiful Daughter: 5 months
She has left me. She thinks it is my problem and she is not responsible. She is a doctor by profession but haven't practiced anything yet so in her humble opinion, This can be healed over time and thus requires a lot of patience and she doesn't have the desire to continue with this any more.
We've suffered because of the intimacy problem and now I'm really scared of loosing her. I don't know what I could have done right. I used to get frustrated when I would see the clock ticking and she felt that over time this will get worst. I would like to know if there is anything that I could do now.
So - let me see if I have this straight: - you don't have any physical desire for her - you didn't feel connected to her during your engagement but now you really don't want to lose her? - you use porn and masturbation for sexual release
First - I think you have to acknowledge that she's entirely within her rights to leave. You haven't gone to counseling to solve your problem, this has probably been an excruciatingly painful year for her, she deserves better. Acknowledging that to her may actually help her see you in a better light.
Second - do you have any idea WHY you didn't find her attractive? Were you resentful of the fact of it being an arranged marriage? Was she someone you just really wouldn't have chosen on your own? Do you think you had "Madonna/whore" issues, where you felt it wasn't "right" to have sex with a "good" woman like your wife (but okay to masturbate to porn)? Or do you think you have an addiction to porn? Or, possibly, could you be gay and just haven't come to grips with that yet? Clearly, she would be foolish to take you back if you haven't figured this out. Can you find an individual counselor to help you with this? Perhaps if she knows you are actively seeking help with your problem, she will be willing to give you a little more time.
Thanks for the response. Wanted to address some of the key questions you asked.
1. I'm not gay, I never had any interest in any guy. 2. Arranged marriage is common in our culture, but I wanted to spend some time to gain some feelings before I could decide on the key issue. Unfortunately I had just started a new job and required me to be back and thus we got married while I would in the US and she out of states. 3. I can't say that I would have chosen her or not on my own. I just had a very different picture in my mind. 4. I think I started watching porn more after marriage because of just being frustrated with things not going anywhere. 5. I am seeking personal counselling. She knows that but I feel she has given up on us. 6. I guess the scary part is being single. I know it's better to be single then in frustrated relationship. But I have never stopped her, she is her own boss. I just wanted us to be happy, either ways. I just don't want to be hurt or hurt her. I wish I knew what I know now and I would have never committed. 7. One thing I noticed during our engagement it was very difficult for me to focus on us. I would feel suffocated could be because she was so far away and I felt we didn't had too many things in common. She was quite adamant that it was our distance that was causing issues. Anyways, its done and over. I just want some resolution and help so that we both can carry on a healthy life. I'm willing to go any distance to make this marriage a success. I've given up porn for the longest time and just focused on how to make this work. Any response would be appreciated.
So - you had given up porn a while ago - but you still didn't make love to your wife? Why is that? What held you back?
I understand that arranged marriages are the norm in your culture. I also understand that there's an expectation that you will fall in love with each other after the wedding, correct? Were you disappointed in her? Did you never attempt making love to her?
Are you both sexually experienced or is lack of experience an issue for either of you?
Why do you want to stay in the M. If you do not find her attractive is it right to subject yourselves to a life of no passion? To stay for religious reason's alone?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for the response. Wanted to address some of the key questions you asked.
Alimad.. you answered some of the questions asked by people.. but you chose the least important ones to answer
DB is about looking for solutions. A key part in that, is talking about what has worked, and what has not worked.
You did not answer the most important questions of,
"who has been trying things?" "WHAT, specifically, has been tried?"
And there's also the side question of who thinks sex is important, and who does not. If one of you thinks sex between the two of you is important, and the other one does not... that is probably the #1 most important issue.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Sorry guys, been a little disoriented since my wife left me.
Here's something I haven't shared, I am a virgin, I've never had an intercourse with a girl before, and my wife is a virgin too. This may have caused some problem in our marriage because being matured - im 35 and she's 30 we had all these expectation of how the experience would have been. For the first few weeks we realized that it could have been that we need to know each other. We talked a lot but for me it was a block. I thought I was stressed out because I now had to perform but I couldn't understand what was needed.
We tried watching porn to make it work but I couldnt get an erection. I could masturbate on my own but when we were together I would feel challenged to perform.
To be honest we haven't tried anything special to make this work for us. Since my wife is a doctor, her research tells her that this would require a lot of work and she had lost patience with me.
