NikB #25

[NikB]

Hi all - thanks for posting!

No updates on any big talks yet, but having a really good weekend so far. Both R-wise and non-R wise.

I DO need to bring the pic up and planned to force myself to do it this weekend, but then he started getting very weird about the tax thing again, so I am hesitating. He basically seems to think I somehow did the taxes wrong and "he" shouldn't owe as much as he does. He's comparing our sitch (two fairly decent incomes, no kids) with some guy he works with who is married to a SAHM with 3 kids!!! Well duh, of course that guy is getting a fortune back. He's not really "accusing" me, just keeps bringing up how it doesn't make sense and such. So... that made me a bit nervous again and hesitant. And yeah OT, it's probably partially an excuse to avoid the convo.

To answer a few questions about the pic:

- No, it didn't just get on there by accident. None of his pictures transferred over from his old phone. She specifically texted it to him, and he saved it (it doesn't auto-save them either).

- It was sent a couple of days prior to me looking at it. I forget exactly what day - last Sat. maybe?

On to individual replies -

ST
I agree, it may not mean much, and I have been careful not to blow it way out of proportion or read too much into it. I DID when I first saw it but after giving myself time to cool down, I've been more reasonable about it I think. I don't totally understand how his new phone works so he may have deleted some texts, but it doesn't seem like it. Seems odd to me that she'd just send over a pic with nothing else..?? But again who knows.

I do agree compeletely that I need to talk to him but not under the assumption that it's an ongoing A. As SD said, he may well think since he didn't "have an affair" (in his opinion..) that it's no big deal. I like the idea of explaining the impression I've been under or how I've been feeling based on our recent interactions, and then ask about the pic.

I didn't think you sounded harsh at all, no worries! You are right, it's a fine line between being naive or ignorant vs. assuming and blowing things out of proportion. And since we have not had a talk about what I want to see in terms of contact with her if we continue to work on the M - it's not fair to expect him to read my mind and do what I want. It IS time to have that talk though.

Ellie
Mentioned above - it's definitely newly sent, although it had to be taken over a month ago as that's the last time he actually went skiing. I realized later he had his new jacket on so it's from this ski season sometime, but it could be anywhere as far back as Nov. 07 or as recent as about a month ago.

I'm going back and forth like crazy on the financial thing too. I know part of me is very afraid of this convo so I'm avoiding it, but there is a pretty real financial risk, too. If it was hard evidence of a recent trip I think it would be different and more essential to talk about it NOW. Given that it could be a few months old and he has declined the recent trips, I feel a little better about setting it aside for a couple of weeks. When I first saw it my stomach was in my throat and my "ass"umption was of course "OMG they're still seeing each other!" But on further thought and reflection, there are other possibilities and it really truly may not mean very much. Still needs to be addressed though.

I did check his phone records - good lord that guy makes a lot of phone calls! I hadn't looked at his bill in awhile. 15 pages!! Anyway there were a handful of calls to OW in February (March details aren't there yet). Of course I'd prefer not to see ANY but it's not a ton of calls, or daily. They are mostly during work hours and 1-2 minute calls - they could even actually be work related. (of course, yes, they could use the phones provided at work - and that's what I will ask for). There WAS a number he was calling daily and multiple times throughout the day and my stomach really sank. I Googled it and it's a good friend of his/ours who has been helping him a lot with getting his car ready for the next race. Whew.

SD
Thanks for your input! I had skimmed your recent posts but need to look at them more closely. I saw your boundaries and thought they were very good. Need to go see if you've expressed those to your H yet and if so how that went.

I could SO hear my H giving me the "it's not like I cheated" line. Even soon after the bomb drop when I was in "raving lunatic" mode, I remember us fighting about her and he said "But I never even kissed her!" Yeah.. that really didn't make everything OK. At all.

Yes, the pic is at least a month old, and his behavior has been far better recently. I want to be very cautious not to over-react but still express my concerns.

Thanks again all.

So I mentioned a good weekend - Fri night I went out with some friends, which I haven't done in awhile so it was good to do some GALing! Yesterday I cleared out a lot of clutter and donated it, and took books to the used book store. Then drove around and just let myself be at peace for awhile - hard to explain but it felt really good.

Last night I talked H into going with me to a Lebanese restaurant where my bellydance teacher was performing. He isn't a very adventerous food eater and it was tough to tear him away from the car, but it worked out great. The food was EXCELLENT and he was totally impressed by my instructor too (hard not to be, she's an incredible dancer). She talked with us for awhile and told H I'm an "excellent student" - and of course made me dance with her for a bit.

Huge PMA boost - I didn't feel like I did very well because I was all nervous but H said I did great. Even said he meant it, wasn't just saying that because I'm his W (and "it'd be even better if you weren't beet red!" - cute). When we were shimmying the chef came out from behind the counter and tucked a tip into my pocket that was pretty funny. I was the only diner who danced with her and got a tip - H said "because he saw you were actually bellydancing! Everyone else was just kinda moving around." When she came over again she kinda winked at H and said "Now you get to see her in action eh?" and he said "Oh you should see her at home when she's not so nervous!" That all felt really good. I started to give the $1 tip to my teacher and H said "No way, that's your first bellydancing tip, you gotta keep that!" On the way home we were joking about our hobbies and I said maybe I'd get rich dancing someday. H replied "Well heck you're already doing better than I am, you've made a buck dancing, I haven't made a thing racing!"

So, another good night together and I think it was REALLY great that we did something so different and unique. Bit of a 180 for us both.

Then this morning it was more about the taxes not making sense... geez. He even looked at them and the IRS website/tax tables with me and he says he sees they're right but he just can't believe other people are getting $$ back and we're paying so much. I am about ready to just give him all the stuff and tell him to go talk to H&R block or something.