I don't have a lot of time to post but wanted to pick up on this (I admire your forthrightness and bravery in talking about it by the way).....
Originally Posted By: Purr
I would say yes to both of these reasons. She speaks directly to the second one a lot (making the focus me usually) but she has spoken occasionally to the first one and from my perspective, that is a hugely significant part. She's said she feels scared that her body is changing, time is running out and that she'll never be able to really experience this and it is such an important part of her life and she is in her prime now and doesn't want it to go to waste. I'm paraphrasing badly, I'm sure, but this is the essence of it. She doesn't speak to this in MC at all though--it's all about me / "us", but none of this MLC part about her stuff is spoken.
Your W is saying that she wants real passion(?). Do you think she's saying that legitimately, or is it the alien speaking? If she wants to feel desired and desirable and you think it's legitimate, what could you do to help her with that? Have you read 5 LLs? It might be a worth a read and trying to see if you can identify hers....
BTW, IMHO I think it's too early to be considering your own place. Look by all means, but don't assume that's what's going to be happening. I still believe your W is confused and you have a good chance at reconciliation....
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Thanks for this. Yes, I think she wants real passion, and this has been a shortcoming in our relationship in the last couple of years which we have both contributed to. I think it is a perfectly reasonable thing to desire, and I would like this too. I see two things that are a challenge: 1. she does not really acknolwedge her parts that have created impediments (a huge one is how exhausted, stressed out and overworked she is). 2. I think some of this is MLC stuff or almost fantasy like ideas of wanting to be romanced, swept off her feet by the man, to know what she wants/needs without it being clearly stated, and for romance to be the "man's job" (these are my interpretations) 3. I'm dismayed that part of #2 seems to be this idea that "either you feel something for someone or you don't", which seems to (conveniently) rule out the idea of working on reconnecting and re-establishing intimacy, both emotionally and physically.
So, those are a few thoughts. I've read LL's and through MC we have been talking about these issues, though not specifically calling it LL. But with my W. saying she does not want to work on it, there is a real limit on opportunities with your partner to try these things out together to have new experiences with each other.
Thank you very much for your feedback. I'll continue to mull over this open-house thing...it's a tough one for me.
Had a good visit with my friend. She is great...very supportive and understanding. It was helpful because I checked some things out with her to get her perspective and she is the kind of good friend who would challenge some of my thinking about things. She validated a lot of the stuff I was experiencing so that made me feel a little more normal. I've been so confused and distraught at times that I feel "crazy".
With reluctance, I went out to a few open houses. I can't believe how familiar it felt--we bought our home only about 1.5 years ago. It is stressful to look for a home even when you are excited about it. It is rather awful to be looking at places when you don't want to move. Anyway, my goal was to try it out and get some beginning info. I just felt upset afterwards about how much disruption this whole thing has caused in my life. It is hard to see positives to look forward to. I know that's where I am at this moment and it will probably change. But right now, honestly the thought of all the change involved in my life with buying a new place, separating our stuff, etc. just feels like too much that I don't want. I'm frustrated!
Okay, I feel a little better now. Make some tea and go breathe.
Thanks Tree. Just trying to ride out some of the difficult waves. Had a nice call from a friend and am feeling a bit more grounded. Hope you're hanging in there.
Thanks for sharing your journaling and other thoughts. Wow, our situations are very similar! The open house thing is tough; it does feel like an admission of defeat when you would like to hold out hope but I feel you are taking the right steps for now. We do have to face the very distinct possibility that our M may be over, and face the questions about how we will rebuild our lives after they do end. We won't have all the answers at once, but we need to think about some of the possible answers, such as where we live, etc. I don't know that you want to rush out and buy something, but I don't see any harm in looking. I do think there is some hope in your situation, but of course we can't tell how much hope is there, if any, or when it will turn around, if it does.
In the meantime, keep on moving forward, one step at a time. We all fall back once in a while, but I feel the key is to look at the long term trends. If we can see ourselves making progress over that time period, then we are on the right path.
Thanks for this. Today was a tough day...went to a work lunch with people at a place my W. and I used to frequent. I felt pretty triggered. I really enjoy the people I was with, but I felt so alone and sad during the meal, just trying to fake my way through it. I feel a bit like a bystander in my own life in those moments. I feel very hollow, like I am already single and I hate it. I hate the way it feels so empty to come home. I've been feeling a lot of frustration and anger about everything since she went on her trip last week. Then it turns into sorrow and sadness and hurt when I get home. I hate imagining a future without her but it is getting hard to imagine it being anything but that. This stuff is on my mind almost all the time, it seems, even though I am trying to distract, do good things, etc.
No contact since she left for her trip. I stupidly had some brief fantasy of getting a postcard from her, somehow I was sure there would be something there (irrational and stupid thinking). I checked the mailbox and of course there was nothing. It's very hard to imagine a future without her that feels good. I really feel like my self-esteem has taken a dreadful beating in all this. I feel so unattractive in so many ways right now. Yet I am feeling like I desperately want the attention of someone, just to validate that I am not so repulsive and asexual. I know a lot of this is distorted, but it really feels true. ARG I am so frustrated with my W., my situation, and myself.
I don't know what to do with myself when I feel so upset and stuck like this. : \
I know the feeling you describe and its very unproductive. You are still focussed on your W rather than yourself. I know this is easier to say than do , however start to think about yourself . What will it take to be an interesting attractive person ? You attracted your W so its in you . What do you need to do for you? Do not get too concerned right now about being attractive . Once you get yourself together and well grounded it will follow. You need to be confident in yourself.
It takes time and it is not easy but try to get your mind off that you can not control ( your W )
Believe me, woman can act in funny ways...she may appear the stronger one, doing well, getting on with her life, but I wouldnt be surprised if she ends up regretting losing you. You sound like a lovely, gentle, thoughtful kind and funny man. WOW. No wonder she said you were in the top 95% of men! Men like you are hard to find! She will realise what a good man she had. This isnt about you, this is about her. People told me that and I had a hard time believing it, but it has finally sunk in. Same goes for yuo - believe it, you havent done anything "wrong", you arent unnattractive or unnapealing, as my sister said..there are 6 billion people on the planet, you dont have to be validated and approved of by just one person.
I think its still early days, she is going through a process that could take some time to unravel, but she is keeping you in her life, she hasnt entirely walked away (shes in MC with you! she cries on your shoulder!).
It is disappointing she hasnt contacted you, but be strong, dont contact her and try and distract yourself. And go shopping, get those new outfits! And buy some new music/books to read. Get a little bit of life in you that may be surprising to her. You want to appear fresh to her when you see her next and you will see her in the MC, so you will have a chance to DB her then!
I agree with C_K, you need more confidence in yourslef. Do you think this was one of the resaons she left? Does she want you to be more of a man in a sense, be strong and attractive to her? Its a wierd one to explain, but the more confident and detached you are the more she will see you as someone to be interested in. My BF has been detached and seems strong in himself (he has depression I know) but by leaving me and getting on with his life, well, I love and fancy him more than ever! I am putty in his hands! Is this the same for you and your W, is that how it makes you feel? They are this ultimate prize you wish they would allow you access to... well then, that works in reverse too! The more sad and lonely you seem, the further away she will run.
Smile all the time when yuo see her, mention vaguely about you did this or that, make it sound like your life is carrying on without her. Dress up nice, stand tall. You can do it !!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
