Financials set to be sorted.

[ACJ]

So last night my friend and I thought we would try a different social club to the one where we met. For me it was a big disaster. Not sure she felt the same way but that's ok. It was probably a mistake to go together as the other people on the night out barely spoke to us. We went to a comedy club and as I ended up sitting on the end it was difficult for me to interact as once the comedians came on there was obviously no convo anyway. It was freezing in there and we never took out coats off all night. After the comedy had finished it was supposed to turn into a night club. It probably did but we didn't stick around long enough to find out. Most of the others on the event also left (without saying goodbye). I can honestly say that I have never met so many rude people all at once.

Today my S15 accused me of not having any time for fun! At this point in the day it was 2.30pm and he had just got up! I had been shopping, put the groceries away and was making a start on the evening meal and food to take to work tomorrow. So far today he has done nothing to help. They have all been off school for a week already. D17 has been working but all the other two have done is stay in bed til lunch time and then go out and see thier friends (or bring their friends back here, make a mess and not clear it up). Yes I know they are teenagers, I know they all behave like this but it really hurt for my S15 to tell me I didn't make time for fun and then in the next breath tell me it wasn't 'his job' to keep the house clean. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Of course he immediately then rang H and asked him to do the same thing as he has asked me to do. I hadn't said I wouldn't do it, I just pointed out it was more likely to happen if he helped me free up some time by doing some of the jobs whilst I was at work so that I did have time to spend with him. H didn't commit to doing what he wanted any particular day (and as far as I know is back at work tomorrow) but I just hate it that he only has to do the fun things while I still have to try to bring them up to be responsible adults.

I'm missing being part of a couple. I'm missing being hugged. I'm missing someone taking care of ME for a change. I just want my family back together again but it seems I am the only one who does.

[almosthopeful]

I'm missing being part of a couple. I'm missing being hugged. I'm missing someone taking care of ME for a change. I just want my family back together again but it seems I am the only one who does.

Uh huh. Yup, me too. I hope you are giving yourself LOTS of kudos for doing the work of two adults, with teenagers in tow, and no deaths yet! I am in awe of anyone managing with more than one teenager.

Hang in there Alison, for some reason this isn't our season to be part of a couple, but for all we know the season may change tomorrow.

Hugs,
AH

[ACJ]

for some reason this isn't our season to be part of a couple, but for all we know the season may change tomorrow.

I wish I shared your optimism AH.

It's ironic really b/c I don't want another man in my life (hence why I'm not dating) and yet I miss having one so much. I feel like I am being punished for not being the W my H needed me to be. I know that isn't the case (or at least I hope it isn't). I know it's not about me etc etc BUT just for once I wish it were! I want to feel like I am an important part of someone's life (kids just take their parents for granted). I want to feel special as opposed to unloveable.

Of course I'm just venting. Thank God for this BB b/c w/o it I'm sure what I would do.

[almosthopeful]

for some reason this isn't our season to be part of a couple, but for all we know the season may change tomorrow.

I wish I shared your optimism AH.

Hah. It doesn't come naturally. But I am trying to learn it as part of my new self.

As to feeling like a new R, I don't exactly either, but am open to it as well.

Hugs again,
AH

[ACJ]

As to feeling like a new R, I don't exactly either, but am open to it as well.

I forget AH are you D now? I think if I were I would be more open to it but as I'm not well.......

Well H turned up unexpectedly tonight (that unexpected to everyone except S15). He came to collect some model paints as he has decided to put together and paint the model ferrari he bought himself when S15 was about 8! Talk about harping back to your teenage years. All I can say is convo with OW must be scintillating right now

He spoke to me first which is unusual. He seemed in a good mood so I decided to ask for his advice about my car as I'm still not happy with the state of the repairs that were done just before Christmas. At first he offered to listen to the engine (as it makes a horrible noise) but when I said it didn't do it just when the engine was ticking over he never offered to listen to it whilst the car was running. Too afraid to be alone with me it seems. Anyway he thinks I am right in that the garage are pulling the wool over my eyes. We talked for quite a while about it.

As he was about to leave D17 asked him if was busy and if he wanted to go for a quick coffee. Surprisingly he agreed. They weren't gone long. Just enough time to buy a coffee and drink it! When he was here I noticed that he was wearing a watch (which he NEVER does). I knew OW had bought him a watch when they first got together but this one looked different. I was going to ask if it was new but I decided not to bother and assumed it was the original one. However when D17 came back she told me that it was a new watch. the convo had arisen b/c she has asked MIL to buy her a new watch for her 18th. H asked her if she had asked for gold or silver. She said silver b/c she never wore gold. He showed her the new watch. She expressed her surprise and said 'but you never wear a watch' and he gave some retort about never having had a slim one before! WTF. Anyway this led to D17 jokingly saying that when she gets M it will have to be someone rich enough to buy her a platinum ring b/c she doesn't like gold. H, well he dropped a corker! He said 'Yes OWs engagement ring is platinum' I could've predicted that but it still hurt. At the time that he bought it he was starting to play 'poor me, I have no money!'

I've been praying all day to let H contact me out of the blue. I suppose in a way he did (although that wasn't his original intention.) I also prayed that he wouldn't be so wrapped up in OW. I guess I will have to pray longer and harder for that one.

I forgot to say that when he left I thanked him for his advive in good ol DB fashion

[ACJ]

Last week I emailed H about events that involve the kids and are important to them. I knew he wasn't at work last week so didn't expect a reply until today. There still isnt one. I forgot to attach a read receipt so I don't even know if he has read them yet. Why can't he just be polite and at least say thank you for involving him?

[ACJ]

Two years, 4 months,one week and one and three quarter hours. That's how long it is since H left. So why then is he the first thing I think of when I wake up, when I leave work to come home and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep at night. I only ever used to phone H to say I was on my way home if I had been working late or if he was waiting to go out himself. Since he left I have (for some unknown reason) wanted to call him everyday to let him know I am on my way home. Why?????????????

I'm going insane with this. I actually want to have a whole day where I don't think of him but it hasn't yet happened. I've even tried not coming here for a few days in the hope that it will lessen how much I think of him. It did not work.

He isn't nice to me, he has made no attempts to come home or even to make me think that he might. He is only interested in the big ole D train. He puts OW first EVERY SINGLE TIME. As things look he isn't even going to come to our D17s 18th birthday party. How does a man like that still command my every waking minute?

Vent over

[cat03]

hugs))))))))))) you've been married 19yrs! so many things are ingrained in our lives that had to do with the Hs, of course it will be hard honey, but not impossible to forge a new path without them in our minds 24/7.
Unless I'm blocking the pain (I sure hope not) I am not hurting as much, I have decided to put my H into 2 categories, the before and after. The before was that good man who loved me and made me happy and had so many good years together, that one is safely cherished in a chest in the back of my mind, like an old xmas ornament, pretty to look at now and then, and then be put away. The "now" man is the void empty husk of a man who wants to D me in a hurry, who still is contacting (and who knows what else) low morals ow. That man I dont' want, that man I'm allowed to push away from my thoughts, to not want anything from him. We have to talk for the kids but keep our convos short, I'm going to extricate him from my life.

hy can't he just be polite and at least say thank you for involving him?

accept that he is just not going to be that kind of nice person, dont' set yourself for disappointment expecting stuff from him. Perhaps he doesn't think much of the schools events (yes, sad but true, 4nowH has no clue who's s9's teacher or what he does in school)-- so it is no big deal if you let him know or not.

The book I'm reading "spiritual divorce"mentions how acceptance is the first step to healing, denial only drags on the pain and unable us to heal. It is not that you mourn him but yourself too, the loss of that person you wanted to be. Will try to post more of what I've learned, I love the fact that the book urges you to use the D as a catalyst to make you a different better person (DB principles).

Yes, I too wake up and first things I think of him/the stich. I count as a blessing when 5mins go by that I dont' think of the stich, but when I do think of it it isnt' with the crushing pain as before, I've accepted that this is what is. We are masters of our minds, we CAN teach it to shorten the times we wallow in misery about the lost R.

God has given me immense peace, I dont' have the strenght nor power to overcome this pain, only God can, it is too much to bear alone. My prayers that you find peace, that you are able to envision a happy future on your own, with your chidren, you have so much ahead of you)))))))))

[ACJ]

Thank you Cat

[Jack_Three_Beans]

ACJ,

You asked me what the difference was, and this is only from my perspective. Once a long time ago I was a WAH.

No need to go into details, but I will say that if my wife had DBed, or had gotten the book, I might not be a WAH, depending on when she did it, and if it was honest.

To me, when I finally left, I was done, our marriage was dead, I no longer believed her about the changes she promised, since so many fell through. Oh I wasn't golden either, we both made huge mistakes. In the end though, I became a WAH and never looked back.

To me that is a standard WAH. You reach a point where you are done, and that is after you feel that you tried, your best and the other person has just continually let you down, and the marriage.

A MLC WAH/WAW, to me, doesn't know what they want. They want to find themselves but don't want to let you go, they are a ball of confusion. They will contact the LBS, even if it is just to yell and vent and spew, because really...the LBS must be the reason their life sucks.

This is just my opinions from being a WAH and living through my W's MLC.

I still believe that DBing can save a marriage, it can give you a chance to do it.