I've had my usual swings and struggle this past several days, but in the last couple of days I've had these very brief experiences of what I think might be detaching. It doesn't last long, maybe a few minutes to an hour or two. During those times I've felt partially resigned but also just trying to face the reality that this may be over. In those brief moments I have a sense of idealizing my W. less: I look at some of how she has handled things and think maybe I deserve someone who has a greater commitment, who is more open to working on a relationship. I just feel sick when I hear her say she feels trapped in our relationship. That is an awful feeling to know that your partner feels that way and is very hard for me to bear. I would like to be with someone who wants to be with me and love me.
Anyway, those are just moments and then they evaporate. Presently, I'm feeling quite down. I haven't had an email from my W. in about a week. That's the longest absence of contact since she first moved out. I'm not sure it's a negative thing either. In a way I would love to hear from her, but I'm seeing that our last several contacts (MC, email, walk) have been difficult. I was so confused after our last walk before she left that I really have no sense of where she is right now, and indeed that may well be continuing to shift around for her.
I'm going out to see a friend today which I am looking forward to, but I am also going to look at a couple of open houses (which I am far less happy about). I'm trying to begin thinking about where I may live if things do not work out, and I just have a feeling (which I hope is wrong) that our R. may conclude very soon. I know there are some positive signs from the posting above and I definitely acknowledge them, but at the same time there are no guarantees. Looking at open houses is very hard for me to do, because I don't want a life without her, but I realize I'm not really in charge of whether we're together or not. I've only got my vote to cast and at least I've been consistent and really clear on my vote. Unfortunately, one vote isn't enough to make a R. work. I'm certainly not going to tell my W. I'm doing this, but I figure it is okay just to get some information. I just feel I need to begin taking steps to prepare and figure out what my life is going to look like in the event that she does not want to do this anymore.
I'm really confused, guys...I feel very mixed up about this part, and it has been hard to trust my own emotions in this process. Normally I have really done well with following my feelings and gut (pre-bomb), but now I still feel like it is hard to know how to see things in a balanced way. So, I'm not sure if something like looking at open houses is ridiculous and premature or if I should already have been doing this long ago! I feel very vulnerable presently and am anticipating another "bomb" upon her return. Maybe I will go and have a look at 1 or 2 places and see what it is like.
