Thank you for always being there for me. The LRT would be filing. I don't think H would fight me on it, but I do think a D is possibly the only way of ever having a chance of him coming home.
OC,
Thank you for the phone call. Sorry if I made you worry!
I've been up and down. I feel like I bounced back quickly, but then sank again. A lot of it was brought on by the stress of finding out I will have to move. Now it's just a matter of deciding if I should stay here or make the huge jump and move to another country. It would allow me the chance to take full responsibility for myself and my kids and to remove myself (at least physically) from this dysfunction.
I've also been doing a lot of unproductive questioning, particularly asking 'What about me?'. Resentment towards H and his irresponsibility has snuck it's way back in.
I'm again realizing my part in H's leaving. How he must have felt like a failure at work because of his father and at home because of me. And how do I go about fixing that when I still don't think that he is a better father now that we are S (he thinks he is). It's just not in me to praise him when I don't feel it.
Thinking about how much I really do love him unconditionally too. And how my love should set him free and not hold him back. Maybe the D will do that for him.
I was watching a movie yesterday and in it, Morgan Freeman's character was talking about thinking you know a person better than they know themselves. I think that's the case with me and H, when in fact, maybe I don't know my H at all.
I still think that H needs to hit rock bottom before he'll realize any thing. It seems like his previous breakups with ogre haven't had much effect on him. I don't know what his rock bottom looks like, and more importantly, I don't see it happening any time soon.
Lots of stuff going on inside my head. Need to do some serious thinking and decision making. Will keep you updated.
