[girlfromipanema]

One more thing I'm feeling:

I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing how to play the game. I'm not a strong competitor. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm probably too forthcoming. I feel weak.

I ran cross-country in high school. I was never the fastest or best runner. During one race I actually passed a few girls while running a steep hill. As I passed them, I saw the on their faces a desire to quit. I said, "Don't give up. You can do this!" They were from a different school - not even on my team. Why did I feel I had to encourage them? I couldn't enjoy my own small victory of being faster. How odd is that? I'll never forget the confused looks on their faces.

I'm still the same way. How can my husband love me when I value others above myself? How can I learn to be more selfish? I just turned 35. Shouldn't I know the rules by now? Shouldn't I be more adept at playing this game of life?

When we had our talk last Monday night, he was upset that I had looked at his phone bill again - after promising I wouldn't back in November. Not only did I admit to looking ("she" told him), I also admitted to purchasing the Bluetooth Mobile Spy Software... which I never installed and never would. I bought it in a moment of desperation - needing to know the truth for once. I'm so glad I couldn't go through with using it. That is not the person I want to be, but why did I disclose so much to H?

Weak.