[girlfromipanema]

GPZ,

No reason for you to apologize. I was confused by your question at first - did you want me to tell you how I felt about my situation or yours?

For the past several months (after the big blow out on our vacation), I've read many, many books. One was "Emotional Alchemy" which helped me tune in to my feelings, but not allow them to dictate my actions - to be "mindful". I've always been a hyper-sensitive person and my emotions have always ruled. My desire is to be strong. You seem so strong and balanced - so in control. I've always given control and power to the ones I love.

If I label how I'm feeling:
I feel inferior - I struggle to see my unique gifts and value in this world.
I feel disempowered - my own fault, because I give my power away.
I feel fearful - so much is a stake and my husband seems to have 100% control of what my future looks like. If we D, I'm the one who stands to lose everything. He has the ability to turn off his emotions, but I don't think I could continue working with him if we aren't together. How could I continue to be his friend and watch him move on with another woman, have children, etc.?
I feel disposable.

I'm hurt that he would turn to someone other than his wife to express his deep concerns about our marriage. I'm sad that he was unable to come to me (he says he was worried it would spur on my past depression). I had to learn from a 3rd party that he may not want to have children with me. He's afraid I'll resent him for gaining weight; he's afraid I'll be struck with post-partum depression; he wants someone to be excited to have his children. When we first got together, I was unsure if I wanted kids. After being with him and agreeing to marry him, I knew I wanted to have kids with him for certain. Until recently we've said we were on the "five year plan" - meaning, five years after we were married we would start our family. It hurts that he would discuss his deepest fears with her. It hurts that he said I was disgusted by children. His nephew puked on me in February during our overseas trip - no big deal he's only 9 months old. I thought it was funny. I ended up getting very sick with the flu so I kept my distance from the baby and H thinks it's because I was so repulsed by the projectile vomit that landed on my foot. I didn't want the baby to get my flu, but he called "her" to express his disdain for me because I was so hateful of children. It hurts that he withheld his true feelings from me, but had no qualms about sharing those feelings with her. It hurts that he couldn't see how much I feel in love with that beautiful child.

When he and I first married, he said "Now that we are a family, we are each other's first priority. Nothing comes before family - not work, friends, [blah, blah, blah]." I don't understand how things could change so dramatically in three and a half short years. Am I so difficult to love?

I feel like a failure for losing my H so early in our partnership.

I feel completely alone.

I'm angry that others thought H and "friend" were having an affair and didn't say anything to me. I'm angry that H doesn't care that he's breaking my heart with his behavior. I'm angry that I still want him to love me, when I shouldn't care, because I deserve better.

I'm mad at myself for not being more proactive with our failing marriage.

I'll continue with more later... this takes a lot out of me.