Wondering if my situation is common

[saffie]

Had I been honest with myself and my W the first time I really belive there would never have been a second time.

The fact that you were not honest the 'first' time screams out to me that it never ended properly and so still continued and was one A.

There is a big difference IMO between being able or wanting to share all the details if you are the WAS and wanting to know the details if you are the LBS.

In your instance, crs, it sounds like being able to come clean with all the details was a sign that you had truly repented and was done with the A. I do believe that some WASs are unable, for a variety of differing reasons, to give all the details - I imagine shame is a biggy here.

Some LBSs don't want the details once the A has ended and there may be times when the WAS wants / needs to give the details but actually the LBS can't handle those details. It can be cathartic for the WAS to unburden and they also hope it will stop them being tempted again. However, the details they give the LBS can be just too much for the LBS to cope with and their imagination will run rife with the details.

As a LBS it was important to me to know all the details. It hurt like nothing else, but I needed to know. Shame stopped my H wanting to tell me everything at the beginning - the pain he saw me in he found hard to watch. However, once he realised that in the long run it would help with my healing, he came completely clean about it all.

My guess is that the dynamic here will be different for every couple and the ability for the Ss to match their needs will be important in the healing process. I think too much information can be as harmful as too little - it depends on the individuals involved and no-one can tell you what's right and what's wrong - it's personal.

Having said all that, for a R to work after an A, personally I believe there has to be transparency on both sides in the future, otherwise how is trust going to grow if suspicions abound? Gradually the obvious 'I am being painfully CLEAR about everything' adjusts back to normal levels - and life continues.