Yesterday I got a text message from a person I know who used to live here, but moved to Australia a few years ago. They had visited here last December and he had asked me to help him with his web site. So, in the late afternoon / evening he usually IM's me since it's morning there.
I was in the middle of some stuff and I didn't reply right away. So he says:
"Are you OK? Are you guys OK?"
I was kind of in shock, nobody I'm doing work for ever asks me how I'M doing. Just 'when is it going to be done?'
So, I tell him my story. He and his W know my W also. Needless to say he was shocked, sad.
But, then he went on to tell me how HIS W was in a depression for years, how she turned to alcohol, how she crashed several times and how he got her help, got her moving again and she's on anti depressants now and they are building a new life, a new future together.
How he didn't give up on her. And how HE had to go to counseling to learn what HIS part was in her depression.
Like so many others, he didn't see much of a chance of things changing and in the end he felt I'd be 'ok on the other side'.
Still, it was a real revelation to hear someone else tell a similar story, but that the 'well' person had the integrity to stick it out, and actually help the 'sick' person through their ordeal. It doesn't make it hurt any less, it just reminds me how W and I are such completely different people when it comes to something SHE was real big on saying was important to her - 'Integrity'.
It gets a little easier to let her go as I see what a selfish, self centered person she has become and how it is such a contradiction, a lie, when compared to what she has SAID she believes in.
I'm a good person, I have integrity and selfless love for my family. I don't need to run to 'new age spirituality' so I can justify running away and abandoning my spouse or my kids. I'll stick it out to the end of time.
I finished one of my projects last night. That was a good feeling.
I finished one of my projects last night. That was a good feeling.
I heard a seminar speaker once who said to keep a 'Win' box. Whenever something good was completed, you received a special card from a loved one, a letter of recognition, put it in the 'Win' box. Then, when you're feeling like life has worked you over, go pick up that 'Win' box and go through some of the things you have put there. It will show you that you do have value, that you do have people who care, and that you have just forgotten the many blessings you have been given.
Nothing exciting today. I got some more work done friday and little by little I am making progress. Guess that's it.
W is around from time to time. Last night I wasn't home when she got home. And around 11:30 I was picking D17 up when she called D17's cell to ask her if I was going to pick her up or did she need a ride. D17 said I was there in the car driving her home.
When we got home, W made a big deal of giving D17 a hug because she was going to be up early the next morning and wouldn't see her. She didn't even look at me, so I just walked away.
Strange things.
I spent some time talking to her Dad last night. He was encouraging me to find a way to get her out of the house, to file, get moving, get some closure. That's what he did with her mom 20 years ago when she decided she didn't want to be married any more. I can tell it still hurts him even though he's been happily married for the past 17 years.
So, I am keeping that in my mind - let go, move on. Create a life for myself and my girls.
oh, forgot this little tidbit. W came home this afternoon from her 'event' that the center she works at put on. She said she ran into Mr. 'D' who said to let me know he still wanted to do some web development work with me.
She said "I told him to call you because you're brilliant!"
I was so shocked by the 'complement' I didn't know what to say.
She said "I told him to call you because you're brilliant!" I was so shocked by the 'complement' I didn't know what to say.
"Thank you" would have been sufficient because she's just trying to get some money coming into the house.
So basically it's like she's pimping you out instead of doing something worthwhile to make a contribution herself.
Probably true to some extent.
I went to the Divorce care meeting this morning. One of the 'topics' the facilitator put out was 'letting God take care of things'. That is something I am doing my best to learn, to 'let things go' with faith that God will take care of me, my kids, even my W.
It's hard because I have such a need to do it myself. I'm going to keep offering it to God and see what happens.
One other thing, last night I just needed to get more information about depression and anxiety, mostly to 'pick me up' and help me feel like there is hope with the Lexapro I am taking.
Hopefully they won't get censored by the site moderators.
Anyway, they described my life the past year in amazing detail. But what's more interesting is that my W did all the "Don't do" items in the 'how to help' link.
In some ways it helps me to forgive myself because I can see I needed help. I can also see that I wasn't able to do it on my own. I wish I could explain that to W, and it might make a difference in her actions but I know that it won't.
But maybe these articles will help others on the board to see how their spouse might be in a similar place, or they them self are in this place. Get help, or help someone who needs it.
I'm still slowly getting better. I wish it were under different circumstances.
W is angry today, she has to do a couple massages so she can pay her bills this week. She made sure she told me that in no uncertain terms.
I found a handwritten note she left on the counter. It was a 'prayer' to 'Archangel Metatron' asking for help for D12 who is 'labeled as disordered' according to her note.
I have no idea who 'Metatron' is supposed to be and Google searches showed more 'New Age' links to angels than anything else.
Now, D12 has some issues but mostly focus, which ADD medicines have really helped her with. She LOVES to play Halo 3 online, and she recently has gotten into World of Warcraft. She has a ton of fun and interacts with real people. Her best friend who only lives a few blocks from here is also into these games. She went camping with another friend on friday, and has the usual girls night sleepovers.
If you actually take the time to talk to her about her interests she'll talk and talk. If you talk to her about things she isn't interested in she clams up. Like, divorce for instance.
I talked to D17 about D12 the other day and her games and other stuff and D17 said that D12 was fine, this is just her escape from the crap in our house.
Today D12 and I went for a hike and it was a great time to let her tell me all bout her Warcraft characters and stuff that matters to her. She was HAPPY to go once we went.
I guess that maybe not breaking up the family isn't an option for W, instead she's going to call on her spiritual guides to do some magic. I guess that helping her husband get through his depression so he could become more productive faster is also not an option to increase the cash flow.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think D12 is that in need of 'help'. What she needs is support, attention and love.
I'm not sure if I should say something to W about these 'prayers' and crystals she's written on her notes. Or just let it be and keep a good relationship with D12 going.
And .......be REALLY careful about World of Warcraft, okay? It is so notoriously addictive, even my video-game obsessed 21 year old son won't touch it, because he's seen people get into trouble with it.
Archangel Metatron? LOL - that sounds like something OUT of WoW!!!!
