While posting on another thread, I started writing about my experiences with online chatting, a world I was lost in for years. The attention, admiration and respect I felt were in complete contrast to my life in the real world where I felt like a failure.
H stayed by me while I was stuck in a zombie world. He'd try and tell me in every way he could how much my behavior of being online was destroying the family. I just became defensive, and wouldn't/couldn't talk. But could my mind churn but never resolve the questions within.
"Why did you go to China for two weeks just three weeks after I was suicidal leaving me alone with three children (6 months, 4 years and 8 years old)?
Why were you on a week long business trip the day after my tubal ligation? You wouldn't commit to a vasectomy after a year and a half, so I made the decision on my own. Sex equalled death in my mind. I didn't think I would survive another round of post partum depression (and yes, I was under a doctor's care, meds, etc and everything still went bad after our third).
Why didn't you seek counseling like you had promised me.. how your own issues were drowning me.."
In the midst of my remembrances, D13 started clattering things in the other room. I left the computer and we chitchatted and played with our little ratties (two little royal rats.. brown and white.. I am astounded I find them so adorable).
At one point she told me she'd been thinking of how well she's been adjusting to the change. "It's not your fault, it's not dad's fault.. This just happened. Mom, I'm used to it."
My little voice within that screeches.. but he left, He Left, HE LEFT.. was silenced listening to my daughter. How can you be used to it?.. my mind murmurs to itself... I'm not.
In that moment I wondered if I should jump off the merry-go-round and work with H for a completely amicable dissolution of what we once promised. Is that calm so complete to be real for my youngest.. or just a covering over the waters that run deeply.
