My first post - Dday#2 and separating

[stillbreathing]

This is my first time posting on this board. 2 weeks ago I was completely blindsided with DDay#2 and I am just now coming out of the shock and despair and am ready to try to figure out just how I am going to move forward with my life. I have been through alot of crap in my life, but this has definitely been the hardest.

Our background: Me BW 30, Him WH 32, 3 kids 9, 4 and 2. We currently live in the same house but as of a week ago are separating. I know in my mind that its probably the only option, but my heart still doesn't want to destroy my family or give up on my marriage.

I'll try my best to make this brief but sometimes its hard to sort out what is important and what is not. A started years ago during a time when we were contemplating Ding. We only had one child and were all but out the door. OW was a very desperate and clingy person. In fact, when we first met her I TOLD my h to befriend her because he was a nice guy and she was so low. She became obsessed with H, offered him money for sex, bought him gifts, etc. and that was how it started. Meanwhile, we concieved DS#2 and were trying to rebuild our marriage. We lost our home to a natural disaster 3 days before he was born so we also spent quite a lot of time in survival mode after that. OW always threaten to tell me everything (among other things) when he tried to leave her. She clung to him with all her might and refused to let him go. WH asked me to have a 3rd baby with him. I said I was not ready but he was persistent and I gave in. I loved him and i loved our family. I think he thought that having a 3rd child would finally end things with OW and give us something to focus our marriage on. He was wrong.

Dday#1 was when i was 6 mos pregnant. He told me everything. He begged me and pleaded to help him be free of OW, even if I divorced him. It wasn't easy but I chose to stay. I knew OW was still around - wh is somewhat of a "public figure" and can't keep her from seeing him in public places. I wanted a restraining order, but the MC at the time advised against it. She said that ROs often esculate these situations and can turn a person tettering on the brink to violence. She said if WH just ignored her that she would probably go away in time. Eventually, i cared less and less. I honestly thought that WH would never make the same mistake and allow this woman back into his life.

She never went away. And eventually WH fell back to his addiction. He enjoyed having his ego stroked, he liked the way she worshipped him above all else, he enjoyed getting gift, etc. He chose to go back to the A, and I had no idea AT ALL. He didn't show any of the classic signs this time and our M was better than ever. Finally, for the first time, we were in love and happy. I was finally at hte point where I was healing from the A, it wasn't hte first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before bed. We were going o be OK. At least that is what i thought.

Once again the OW threaten to tell me everything when he tried to break it off. He enlisted the help of one of her friends to get her to go away without me knowing. His intention was to end it with OW and put his whole heart into our M, finally. This friend sent him an email to our shared account, discussing ways to get rid of OW. She thought it was his personal account. I read it. That was Dday#2, 2 weeks ago.

For the first few days he was oh so sorry, brought me flowers, he loved me, etc. I was angry, I was sad, I was devestated, but still I wasn't ready to give up completely. We have 3 small kids and I would move the world for them. I wrote him a letter and outlined the thing i would need to TRY. He came back a few days later and said although my requests were completely reasonable, He could not honestly give them to me. He wanted a D. I told him I wasn't going to try and convince him to stay and i would move on with my life. We agreed to live in the same house to work out the logistics, get a 2nd car, and make the transition easier for the kids. We haven't told them yet but when I told him that once we DO tell them we have passed the point of no return, he said "I am already beyond the point of no return."

And for the most part, that is what i have been trying to do. I moved all his clothes and belongings to the spare room. He resisted and asked me "is all this necessary?". I said yes. I'm trying to stay away from home when he is with the kids. He tries to engage in conversation and I try to back away without causing a scene. He wants to know why we can't be "more friendly". I said I needs space and time. Today we did work on the garden together and it about drove me insane, but I kept a neutral tone and attitude, I think. This afternoon our 2 year old tried to push our heads together to make us kiss. He put his arms around me and I turned and walked away.

So, there it is. Well, at least the major parts. I've been on this roller coaster for 6 years and I know i just can't do it anymore. I love him, I adore him, I don't want to break apart my family. I don't want this. I have never waned this. But he doesn't want to be married. I need to accept that.

Little by little I am taking care of me. Sometimes its harder than others. I have good friends around me. I work in a small office of all woman and everyone has embraced me. My kids are awesome and amazing. I'm lucky to have so much. But still I feel totally broken.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to put it out there, once again, and maybe I'll actually believe this is reality and not some terrible dream.