Totally lost and miserable

[buenosuerte]

I need some serious help.

Here's the story, sorry if it's long. We met about 2 years ago, he immediately moved in and we planned on a child together, (I made sure he understood that I would only have a child if both parents raise the kido together, no if, ands, or buts, working everying day) (I have a 16 year old from previous marriage, horrible divorce, kid still suffering)took us 3 months to get pregnant. We got engaged, asked infront of my class. It was rocky, him leaving, me kicking him out always seemed to be for the same reason, him choosing his family, friends, soccer, work anything but me over it all. We would get back together never really working on things just kind of ignoring the problems. Daughter was born Sept 10, he was there, I know I said horrible things, needing to feel validation of what he felt about me. When she was a few weeks old :on going argument of me kicking him out, I say he walked out. We've been seperated for 6 months. Over the past 6 months he has seen his daughter about 15 times. We do not speak ever, I've done all the classic mistakes, pursuing him, letters etc. During the 6 months of seperation we've discussed working things out, he took one counseling session, he didn't tell me he moved out of his mother's and rented a house for a year. I broke my teaching contract since in January we both agreed it would be better for our daughter to have me home with her, he was also supposed too pay to support us, he's not. New teaching contracts are coming, I'm against daycare, that's not why I had my daughter. I went to his house one day and told him I was going to move with our daughter out of state to be near my other daughter since all my parents passed away over the past year, I have no family or friends where I live now. He says don't do that, you are in my heart and soul, if you stay i know we can work things out. He keeps saying let me come to you. I've thought about imploying the going dark for a month and then testing. I really don't know how to deal, I seriously have no one, there will be days go by and the only conversation I have is with my 6 month old. I have to make some decisions about my work, that affect our daughter, there's more but writing about it just brings me so down. Help please!

Me 37
Him will be 28 in a few days
(previous marriage) 16 G
6 months G (our together)

[buenosuerte]

Previous Db's tech:

Did something different: response went well, we started talking but i spoke about R to soon. he went dark for weeks.

I'm afraid if i do this again he will see thru it-

I'm thinking of going to last resort tech., looking back past pursuits have pushed away,. so last resort here I go. 2 days and nothing!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Sorry to find you here. I am sorry for your pain. One thing I didn't get out of your post is where are you in all of this.

For the most part DBing is to try to get your spouse or significant other back, but it seems as if he is begging to come back. DBing is also great for getting yourself book. I began reading "how to get through to the man you love" by Michele. It sounds as if this could be very helpful to you in understand your man and how to make changes that will create change in your relationship. There is also a discussion going on in the After Reconciling-keep the changes going. thread. In my opinion you shouldn't be doing the LRT. It is used for just that, as your last resort, and again as a way to not only get your spouse/significant other back and to detach.

Do you have any specific questions?

[buenosuerte]

Thank you for replying,

My sig other is not begging to come back at all. We don't have ANY contact whatsoever. He doesn't want to see our daughter, won't take care of the financial end of things.

I've read both Div Rem and Divorce Busting, I will have to pick up the other book you suggested.

Tell me more as to why you don't think I should be using the LRT? I think he would see through me doing something different, like going to his mother's so she can visit with our daughter. I do think our rel is salvageable, i just don't think he knows how to go about doing it being so consumed with anger and guilt. He is so scared I know that for sure but he is a do nothing kind of guy.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

The LRT seems to be for spouses/sig others who have no interest in working things out, but it sounds as if he does. Perhaps you should talk to a coach she/he may disagree. I believe that you should start out giving him space, working on your 180, GAL, and attend therapy with a solution-based therapist (with or without him). Do you think that you have tried everything else the book recommends? If so then you may have cause to use the LRT, but like I said a coach or others may have an alternate approach.

How are you putting into practice Michele's advice?

[buenosuerte]

I don't think he has any interest at this time. weeks will go by to where we don't speak, i don't even have his phone number, he doesn't call about his daughter or even comes to see her. the last thing he said was to let him come to me, or is that a sign of something else, interst but just not now, needing space and time. in the meantime i have to decide whether to file for child support on him. in jan we agreed to have my district break my teaching contract with the understanding he would provide for us to live, he hasn't and i am out of $. we agreed at that point it would be best for our daughter for me to be with her full time and not put her in daycare. How am i supposed to procede with that one? as he continual states our d6months doesn't need a father now...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Doesn't need a father now? Um where is the logic in that?
Can you go back to teaching? At this point you much do what is best for you and D that is part of GAL. Act as if....you are happy, you are getting on with your life. Always be cordial of course.

I believe that by him saying he will come to you he is saying that he wants space. However, needing space from you does not excuse him from being a father.

Perhaps you should keep a journal of what works and what does not, of your 180's and goals.

[buenosuerte]

If I could guess and know his logic i probably could have kept us together. probably more of his excuses, i have to work, i have to help my family, i have soccer, etc. etc. i'm trying to look at it from his end and he prob feels alot of pressure from me, gee look at the sitch and that's a no brainer.

I can go back to teaching for the 08/09 school year which means i have to do something i NEVER EVER wanted to do: put my girl in daycare, that was something we agreed to at one point in time. i don't really have to act cordial since we don't see or speak to one another at all. i think he confuses me and our d about the space.

since he has been an absent father, she doesn't know him and visitations go in my home where we used to live, he says he doesn't like that for the memories of where he used to live- my d is breast fed, will NOT take a bottle sippee cup, syringe or anything of breast milk unless it comes from my breast. GAL is mute to some point. we go jogging together, walk the mall, and that's about it, stay at home. i don't have any friends whatsoever. thinking about joining a church just to do it, not because i believe in god.

he's said some pretty messed up comments: like let me have a picture of our d so he can look at it and then maybe i'll start to miss her.

prob wants space to be free with no responsibilities, come/go as pleases, date just like we never existed.

i'm gonna have to bit my tongue pride all of it and beg his mother to watch or d, bcuz i have to go to court on 7april for me 1st xh, but i doubt she will watch her, she's illegal and wont come with me to the court so i can feed our d-i'll be gone about 4 hours, little long for my d to go without food. that may serve 2 purposes, me not postponing a court date and doing something dif.