No one to turn to- 2

[JenInVen]

It sounds like you have had quite a few positives in you sitch Addie. I wish I knew what to tell you. It seems that some boundaries need to be set but I'm not that far in my sitch to give advice.

I hope someone will read this who had had a similar sitch.

Hang in there I'm sure someone will speak up.

Jen

[JenInVen]

PS I've moved here

[stella_k]

Addie, you're back!

I'm so sorry, I cannot think clearly at the moment, my sitch is changing (may be) and I'm overwhelmed.

Will read your post later when I'm calmer and could be of some use...

((hugs))

[ping1]

Hi addie, I do not have any insight on a relationship with another person as neither my W or I have not engaged in that. I can tell you that I was thinking about this today as I have read many posts on this board about a spouse with another woman or man. What I can tell you from the outside looking in is that what I see is that if these spouses keep coming back to the person left behind then that tells me that they want to see the M work out. What they are trying to do is figure out if that is truly the person they want to be with. They could be looking for clues, they could be looking for changes.

I really can't see a WAS coming back to there left behind spouse if there are not feelings there or if they are not trying to find that happy they are looking for.

Again, I may be way off on this, as I have not been through this, this is coming from an outsider looking in. If the spouse was dead set on other relationship and leaving, they would not be coming arouns such as your H is.

[Kalni]

addie,

I am firm believer of not wasting your energy on the OP. It is rarely the case where the OP was/is the reason for the "breakdown". Reading your posts, it seems that you caught him by surprise doing the unexpected. Becoming strong and in control. That has really made it difficult for him to find reasons to be away from you. So IT WORKS and no matter how you feel about your M at any given day keep in mind that this addie has to continue becoming stronger (=more attractive).

Throw in some women's tricks (it may sound stupid but I swear it works), clothes styling, hair etc. Complete your new picture. I would not set any boundaries unless I were sure he was leaning more than 70% to me. How can you tell? Only you can figure that out.
Patience...

Kalni

[addie]

Thanks everyone.
Jen thanks for bumping my post. I'll visit you on your new thread.
Stella, just posted on your thread. WOW!!!

Ping and Kalni,
I appreciate your input. I know that H is still confused about a lot of things including his job/career.
I agree that he keeps coming around because he hasn't given up on the M. I guess I have to continue to make it safe for him to keep wanting to come around. I have to make myself the more "attractive" person. I get the sense that things are dying down with OW - the euphoria is slowly dwindling.
I won't set boundaries right now because what I've been doing seems to be working. So I will continue to do more of what is working.

Thanks for your support!!!

[W2G]

Hi Addie,

Not sure if you are still looking for advice or not.. but I think it's best just to act like there is no other woman at all.. just act like your H has left.. if you are comfortable with the intimacy even though he is not actively living under the same roof as you full time than I say continue on as you are. Besides, it seems like whatever you are doing is working!

Good luck!

(((Addie)))
W2G

[addie]

Thanks for the advice W2G.

I am struggling with the intimacy since there is OW, although H is not living with her and I believe it has died down some.
On the otherhand, I was the one initiating and H did say he doesn't want to hurt me any more. He has spent the night several times since Easter weekend but hasn't initiated ML so I really can't blame him for that. I will just continue to do what I've been doing because it seems to be working.

[W2G]

Sounds similar to my sitch.. in the fact that any intimacy we've had has been initiated by me as well. Funny, but it is different then it was prior to the bomb.. much less loving.. more primal. I miss the tender and loving feeling I used to get from it. I also told my H that if he was interested in us continuing to have s*x that I think he should be the one to initiate it once in a while.. since then there has been a drought!!

W2G

[addie]

W2G,
I know exactly what you mean. I've told myself I'm not going to initiate. H hasn't been initiating although I get the feeling he wants to ML. I think he's afraid of hurting me further with his ambivalence.