My w has internet friendships with om. One was sexual (Text only, not in real life), another definitely emotional. She maintains there was nothing wrong with her non-sexual friendship with the second guy. If its not wrong, why does it hurt me so? Am I over jealous?
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
The internet is a new playing field when it comes to relationships.
Skip the symptoms (your wife having online friendships) and look at the cause (why does she need that type of attention?).
An internet friendship provides perfection because you deal only with text. Your mind fills in the blanks, since you have no other nonverbal clues (voice, body language, or habits.. passing gas, scratching your butt.. etc). You can walk away in the middle of a deep conversation, take care of some things and still be seen as attentive because the other person typing can't see you. You are always beautiful, witty and highly desirable, the inner you revealed.
*SCREECH*
Kids are fighting, husband is traveling, you're being treated like a walking napkin. When rummaging through your battered favorite robe pocket for a tissue to stop your reddened runny nose, you find a Milano with a bit of fuzz. It goes in your mouth after only slight perusal.
Hello.. who wouldn't want to escape? Or feel justified in taking that type of anonymous 'me' time? Not that it's right.. but it could be rationalized as not totally wrong.
It comes down to attention. And if you're talking to her (not at her), listening, being affectionate, caring for her then all the typed words in the universe are poofed.
Gypsy: I know you are right and I have already done a few 180s. The thing is, my spouse being less than perfect does not excuse my actions. If she did nothing wrong then I owe her a masssive apology. If not, then I need to forgive her. As it is, she hates me for forgiving her for something that she does not see as wrong.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Gypsy: I know you are right and I have already done a few 180s. The thing is, my spouse being less than perfect does not excuse my actions. If she did nothing wrong then I owe her a masssive apology. If not, then I need to forgive her. As it is, she hates me for forgiving her for something that she does not see as wrong.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
I didn't think my excessive time online was wrong either, even though it infuriated my spouse... which looking back with 20/20 hindsight started the break up of our marriage.
The thing is.. I knew it wasn't right, either.
It was easier to be a goddess online than a walking napkin and snot rag for my kids. I got lots of attention online rather than criticisms at home. I was one of the most incredible people who ever walked the earth online, and a failure at home.
If you want to lose her trust, hack into her accounts.
If you want to go crazy, snoop away.
If you want peace of mind, find a way to spend time together. A person you can touch and love is far better than a pixel any day.
Thanx Gypsy... I appreciate your honesty. I do not mean spending time on line (that was MY big sin, writing computer games and building websites in time I should have spent with her). I mean her relationships w. om. As far as snooping goes, in 17 years I never snooped, then I came across myspace letters in wich she invited the om over for a pa. Thank God I saw it and it never happened. Talk about trust? Call it major paranoia!
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
If you will read my first post, you will see what this on line "friendship" can lead to. If you have a web cam, then I can grant you that she is doing more than talking! These on line affairs (and that is what they are) are causing more and more breakups in M today.
My H snooped also and I was so furious at him that for the first time in my life I came close to hating him. Even though I was the one talking to the OM, I felt like he had betrayed me! Doesn't make sense, does it? But, that is how she will react. She won't feel remorse, more than likely, so don't expect it. this is her fantasy world and she doesn't want you to ruin it for her either. However, it is already her "drug of choice", so to speak, and she is addicted whether she realizes it or not. It took time for me to fact those cold facts about myself, then when I went cold turkey....I found out. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that intimate & meaningful conversation is her love language. She probably needs to be told that she is beautiful, sexy, talented, smart, and every other praise you can think to tell her. Don't be one of these H's that thinks she should already "know" that.....b/c it is not like "hearing" it from a man.
I was 59 years old and had been M 41 years and never thought about looking at another man! But, after years of emotional needs not being met and almost totaly ignored by my H, I fell into a snare that I was not prepared to handle. When these men who were usually a lot younger than I was....I mean a lot younger.....saw me on the cam and started all those lies about how beautiful & sexy I was....you think I didn't fall for that? I was starved to death for it.
Don't try to force her hand as though she is your child and she must obey you, but I would confront her about it and explain how it hurts you and ask her to stop for the sake of your M and that you will do your best to give her what you have neglected to do in the past.
I had a on-line friendship before things started turning sexual, but it turned into an emotional thing for me. I could hardly wait to get to the computer to talk to him b/c he was fun and I enjoyed his company. In other words, he made me forget the pain I was in at home in my own M. He kept telling me that I was falling for him and it would make me mad b/c he was so much younger than me and I did not find him physically attractive at all....saw him a time or two on his cam before I got one of my own. However, my emotions were getting caught up in it all. Instead of spending time with my H, I wanted to be with my friend. I knew nothing would become of it and we had done nothing wrong...short of flirting a little bit, but that was the beginning of me finding others to flirt a little more heavily with and then....well it got bad.
When my H found out, he demanded that I delete all of my on-line "friends" and I did....or at least I thought I had. In a few days, one of them saw I was on line and popped up. I hung on to him and would not delete him. H found out and it got ugly and I ended up having a big EA with other man. Thank God it did not lead to a PA, but it would have (I think) if I had not rec'd some excellent advice from people here on the board.
Take this very, very serious. I even went to a C and she said what I was doing was not "wrong" and that it was not adultry! So, your W can find anyone to agree with her. I don't care what anyone says....it is wrong if you are M! Whenever there are secrets, only trouble will follow, rest assured.
She will go through a "withdrawal" period.....almost like a drug. If she has had an EA with a certain man, she will grieve for him and you must allow her time for this. I know b/c I did. It is hard for a man to understand how this works if he has never read about it or experienced it himself. But, the OM on-line can be her fantasy man. Of course, he couldn't live up to what she has imagined him to be in her mind, but still....she wants the fantasy.
I hope she can get a handle on this ASAP! Anytime you want to talk, this is the best place to come. Folks here got my head on straight and got my eyes open to what the reality was and what was happening to me.
Take care, and please don't stop posting. This is the link to my first post.
