Yes I guess I'm here or a little beyond, things happen but I don't jump to analyses the significance, cos I'm not too worried anymore.
W and I are getting on ok, I don't push for affection but I now get it, I don't push for sex and I don't get it. W and I have been at the point before and frustration has got the better of me plus she has had outside distractions. But overall things seems ok W only has eyes on keeping her family together.
I've spent a little time on the 2-in-2-1 forum passing some of my knowledge there (I'm sure I saw you name over there in the past). Otherwise I keep reading and posting over here.
You seem to be doing ok, I just hope you get that final break through you are looking for, from where I stand you're not too far from it.
W and I seem to be getting on fine, talking about practical things for the future, no real R or us talks, just things about D6, her job, work on the house, and other stuff which costs money. That always makes me go quiet.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
You still have the sex thing to get through.....
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
Yes, I'm not sure how to deal with this.
On occasional mornings, I'll pull W close to me as soon as her alarm clock goes off and let myself get a bit "excited" The french would call it Frottage or frotteurism and this kinda serves a replacement to full intermacy.
Whilst we were enduring the fall out from the bomb, if I tried anything like this W would shout, "Do you always have to try and [censored] me first thing in the mornings" and jump away from me.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
She did not say No! (on this occasion)
Well, somtimes I feel a bit guilty cos it's all about me, so this morning I said to W, I am sorry if you feel I'm taking advantage, but sometimes I just need to... well you know. W replied "Not at all" so I said you're not mad then, W replied "No", "It's, just that I need to get used to your touch again".
Now on the face of it that would seem like a positive comment, but I've heard it before, she's been giving me the " I need to get used to you" comment for the last two years and in that time OM has come and gone on more than one occasion. The comment is very non commital and I'm almost tempted to put it up there with the "Don't know" comment that WAW always come out with.
Why does this comment bother me, well it just feels like W is holding me at bay and then when her needs bocome too strong, she satisfys them with OM, not with me. (Thats how things went last time)
Ok, before I get too negative, I'm gonna sit back and go through all of the positive things I can think of that are happening cos there are quite a few.
"Well, somtimes I feel a bit guilty cos it's all about me, so this morning I said to W, I am sorry if you feel I'm taking advantage, but sometimes I just need to... well you know. W replied "Not at all" so I said you're not mad then, W replied "No", "It's, just that I need to get used to your touch again"."
Pay attention.
"Now on the face of it that would seem like a positive comment, but I've heard it before, she's been giving me the " I need to get used to you" comment for the last two years and in that time OM has come and gone on more than one occasion."
You are driving the car from the rear view mirror. You ran into something last time. Look where you are going. Not where you have been. You have assurances feeling like this did not work before. Drop down a gear and push on the gas. Just keep looking ahead. No I did not just say jump her bones.
"Why does this comment bother me, well it just feels like W is holding me at bay and then when her needs bocome too strong, she satisfys them with OM, not with me. (Thats how things went last time)"
I know why. Question is can you tell us why?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"No", "It's, just that I need to get used to your touch again"."
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
"Now on the face of it that would seem like a positive comment, but I've heard it before, she's been giving me the " I need to get used to you" comment for the last two years
OK, I should get rid of the thoughts of why she needs to get used to my touch again and focus on the fact that she does want to touch her. I must accept this as a genuine comment as to how she feels now. (I should add that she is allowing me to touch her more).
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
You are driving the car from the rear view mirror. You ran into something last time. Look where you are going. Not where you have been. You have assurances feeling like this did not work before. Drop down a gear and push on the gas. Just keep looking ahead. No I did not just say jump her bones.
Slow down and move forward with W, show more patience and not let my feelings be dominated by the past ?
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
well it just feels like W is holding me at bay and then when her needs bocome too strong, she satisfys them with OM, not with me.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
I know why. Question is can you tell us why?
I'm too scared to speculate Forrest, but you can throw out your theory if you have one.
She may still be lacking something. - Possibly, but I don't know what.
She may be thinking about the OM. - Maybe but I have no way of checking this.
She may really be thinking of you. - Yes, she does think of me but to what extent I'm not sure.
She may be looking for a way to tell you to step it up a little.-I doubt it, although her defense mechanisms are on a lessened state of alert.
She may really enjoy being close like this. - She does now, she mentioned that I have a magic touch when I gave her a massage.
Theres still a lot of unknowns above and the only way I can see to understand them is to talk about them. But talking about them is the very thing which may drive her away again. We haven't done any R talking at all and this really did bother me but as more positives occur I get less concerned about this. But the concern hasn't gone away yet.
She may still be lacking something. - Possibly, but I don't know what.
She may be thinking about the OM. - Maybe but I have no way of checking this.
She may really be thinking of you. - Yes, she does think of me but to what extent I'm not sure.
She may be looking for a way to tell you to step it up a little.-I doubt it, although her defense mechanisms are on a lessened state of alert.
She may really enjoy being close like this. - She does now, she mentioned that I have a magic touch when I gave her a massage.
This was the list we started with.
I have highlighted the ones you can't do anything about.
I am sure there are more.
So we are left with Lacking, Thinking, Defense Down, Massage.
Again a simple list.
How do you find out what she is Lacking?
You could ask. You could hint around. You could "spin" that in your mind. From my chair I would say she is lacking "fun" time with Lan. She has told you as much.
What do you do about Thinking?
The above applies here to. You could get together with her new friends and your new friends and fire off a conversation about "What people want out of life". You would have to be slick about it but you are trying to get to know these people. If its done in a round table type discussion, who knows you may learn something.
What do you do about Defenses Down?
Well, You doubted yourself there for a sec. So what started as a negative thing turned out to be positive. I would say that something you are doing is working. I just can't tell you what.
What do you do about massage?
Well the obvious answer is more of it. Maybe even throw in some "accessories". Why not while you are giving her the magic touch bring up Lacking and Thinking. Maybe take Sandi2's advice and joke with her. Something like "I sure wish I had someone giving me the Magic Touch" worst case scenario you end up with a massage.
Now I come from Outer Space and don't communicate well so I hope you got it.
You got to get unstuck from where you have been.
I just came up with another silly analogy.
You are driving your mud bog truck. It got stuck in the mud. You are spinning your wheels trying to get out. Finally, You get somebody to pull you out. Your wife was taking pictures the whole time but you did not know. She got some of you with a big smile on your face and some with you frustrated and stuck. She get them developed and brings them home. You two sit down on the couch and talk about all the fun and the frustration. Funny thing is.. looking at the pictures the frustration does not feel like it did when you were stuck. The fun brings back all the feelings you had when you weren't stuck.
I will refine that at some point. I think that was a 1st draft. If anybody will get it you will. LOL.
Do Work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
One of the things I've now realised is W wants my attention/availability 100%. she wants me to be around her even when she doesn't need me, or more to the point she doesn't want me to be around others (female relatives)so she wants me to be around her. She was hurt when I moved out cos in her words "I deserted her" and even when I came back and she was angry, she just wanted me to be around so she could be angry at me.
Despite what I've been posting there are lots of big positives, W now puts the emphasis on the two of us spending time together (quality time)and doing things that are building for the future like working on the house, holidays, new car stuff like that. These all cost money so that will be the next potential sticking point for us. Today was spent shopping, walking through the mall holding hands at one point W stopped and gazed into my eyes and said all I want this year is for the two of us to fix up the house together and kissed me on the lips.
See all of this is good stuff and if I was on the outside looking at the two of us I'd say they look to be a nice happy couple. But because the lack of bedroom intermacy I get frustrated and then little irritations start then we go down the whole bad loop. I must say cos I can see the bigger picture I have prevented a lot of potential flash points.
ok I'll read the list agian and get to work on the things I can control but I have to say you are 100% spot on with W lacking fun with me being one of our problems of the past.(lack of money was the route cause).
Lan
PS W bought me another shirt in the mall (whipped ot what !!!) PPS The bog truck analogy didn't work for me.
Yea, I figured the analogy was not going to work. I have just been off. I told you it was a 1st draft. I am just in a funk.
Sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers can type. I had it and then lost it.
Did you look at the video I posted on Kalni's post?
When you posted about the shirts she keeps buying you I thought about that video. If you have not watched it please do, You will see the part I am talking about.
"See all of this is good stuff and if I was on the outside looking at the two of us I'd say they look to be a nice happy couple. But because the lack of bedroom intermacy I get frustrated and then little irritations start then we go down the whole bad loop. I must say cos I can see the bigger picture I have prevented a lot of potential flash points."
This is where it gets touchy. It's the her needs/your needs thing. Here is where you have to Do Work. Your past responses to this issue did not work. So we throw those out. We look for new ones. Be creative. In the book Michelle talks about a couple that were arguing. In the midst of the argument the guy just started stripping. So here he is naked arguing with his wife. She cracked up. They laughed about it. From that point on arguing was never the same for them. He found something that changed the dynamics.
Thats what it is all about.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
