I dont think he will be content with what he is doing in the long run. Have patience, and YES, plan your future and happiness for yourself and the kids. Dont push him as right now he does not know - you dont want to get him so irratated that he does file for a D.
We actually talked about the D word last night on the phone. He said, "I was planning on waiting a while, but do you think it will be easier for you if I go ahead and get it over with?" I told him, "Don't worry about me. It isn't your job anymore. I would rather you wait though, because this is not something I want anyway." I think he is still planning on waiting. He hasn't even contacted a lawyer yet. Hell, that was the first thing I did when he left. He is taking his time, and that is a good thing. In our state, you have to file twice. You initially file and then a year later you have to petition the court again to go ahead and proceed with the divorce. My lawyer said that was a really good thing for me because he has to REALLY want to do it 3 times. Once when he has his lawyer draw up papers, once when he files with the court, and again a year later. I'd say that gives him plenty of time to know this is what he wants. All that is good, I know, but it doesn't really make me feel better about right now. I hate this.
H brought the kids by this afternoon before he left town with the kids. He wanted to let me give them hugs and kisses. The encounter could NOT have gone better! I was very upbeat and happy with the kids. I even teased H a bit while he was here. He laughed and smiled. He even looked at me the way he used to. He didn't look uncomfortable at all. I felt really good when he left. I am proud of myself this afternoon. That experience was so great. If I can keep this up, I think I may make it to stage 2
Just have to say that after yesterday's experience, this process is starting to really make sense. I felt better too. I think before my "Aha" moment I was just trying to keep from crying in front of him. I think at the moments I encountered him I was coming across as cold. I feel so much better after yesterday.
I've come to some pretty big realizations over the past few days, and I want to share them here. In order to fully share, I need to explain some background...
My parents divorced when I was 5yo. My dad remarried within a year. His wife had 2 children still living with her (4 kids total), but the 2 that lived with her were the same ages as my sister and me. Within a year of their marriage they moved several states away from us. I didn't find out until high school that his wife wanted the move so they could get away from us and start their life fresh. She was VERY threatened by my sister and me. For the past 26 years I have seen very little of my dad. I would visit him for a week in the summer during school, and that was all I saw of him. He would call every 3 - 4 months to talk to us. It was EXTREMELY painful for me. I could not understand why my dad would just walk away like that.
I have always known that my fear of abandonment had a huge effect on my relationships, but I never really saw it as clearly as I do now. I have been married twice, and I now realize I am repeating the same mistakes I have always made. I am so afraid that my loves will leave me that I hold onto them as tightly as I possible can. Eventually, that desperate clinging starts to smother any love that I have. I can only imagine the kind of stress that puts on a husband. I am trying to learn to let go of my hold on H. I cannot control him, and I can't MAKE him love me. He has to choose that path for himself. I was listening to a CD of Joel Osteen (minister) yesterday, and one of the things he said REALLY hit home with me. He said that when we hold onto the things we have SO tightly it is impossible to maintain happiness. God cannot give more gifts to someone with a closed fist. You have to let loose of the things you have so that you can have an open hand to receive more blessings. I don't know how spiritual everyone on here is, but that makes sense to me on a more practical level as well...not just spiritually. If I would just let go of my hold on H, perhaps I could find my own happiness that didn't have anything to do with him.
I also spoke with my counselor about my issues with my dad the other day. I have always had this thought in my head that something is wrong with me. This feeling that I was not worthy of love. What did I do wrong that my own dad and 2 husbands did not want to stay with me. She asked me (regarding my relationship with my dad) what I personally could have done to change that situation. Was there anything I could have done to make him not move away and distance himself. I told her that I was a child, and that there was nothing I could have done. She then said that I have to realize that if there was nothing I could do to fix it, then there was nothing I could have done to cause it. I have to realize that my dad leaving had nothing to do with me, and it was about him and his own pain. Then she said I need to come to those realizations about my exH and current WAH. There decisions are not about me. They are about themselves. I cannot make them happy (I think this is in DR). Their personal happiness is their responsibility. I can contribute to their happiness, but I cannot control it.
I am really coming to some BIG steps in my own personal growth. I am so glad to finally see my past relationships with fresh eyes. I feel like I have always viewed my relationships through the eyes of a child, that 5yo girl whose dad left her. I am now looking at my past through the eyes of an adult. I don't want to be that desperate woman who is longing for happiness in a relationship. I want to be the strong woman who is happy on her own, but is open to more happiness if it happens. Open hands here, no more closed fists.
If you have read this far, congratulations! Thanks for letting me get this out.
Thank you for your post on my thread. I have had a quick read of yours and get the gist I hope. If you looked back at my story you would have seen that I am not the best person at doing all this DBing. It gets easier though. You lost alot wieght? Me too. It is not the best way to lose it I know, my W is also worried about me, same as your H was. But now that it is off, dont know about you, but I feel and look alot better. So use it to your advantage. All this new make up you are wearing, some new clothes, and a big smile. Remember to smile, it makes people wonder what you are up too! You commented about the `acting happy` part. Well as I have been told alot, you shouldnt just act happy, you should try and be happy. Biggest difference between us is that you have kids, so cant just drop everything and go out. My W is pregnant though, so her hormones are a pain in the neck! Dont you have people who could babysit for you once a week? Your kids are quite young so I guess they go to bed early. You mentioned that it was hard in the evenings becuase that is the time you spent with H. Well if you could get a babysitter in, and go out with some friends, or go out and make some new ones (i know easier said than done! I am trying to make friends at the moment) Do things for yourself. Get a massage or a pedicure or a facial or a......... I dont know, I am not a girl! But treat yourself. Think of the money you may have spent before on your H, but not now. Spend a bit of it on yourself!
As far as R talks go. I am a big culprit. I have ruined a few good days by R talks! Timing is everything. If you really really have to, then make sure it is at a good time. For me weekdays are a really bad time, but weekends turn out to be not so much!
What is your H doing with all this time to himself? I know he seems to be taking all this in his stride, but I will guarantee you he is not! I bet he has had a few sleepless nights too.
It is good you had a breakthough, I have had several. Each one brings a bit more of a sense of peace and understanding. Things will get better, I promise. But you will have some bumps along this road. Dont want to be the one to make apoint of this, but somethings just happen that will knock us for 6. But each time it take less time to get back up that horse.
Be the woman that your husband fell in love with. Think back to your courting. How was it different?
Most of all, be happy! Whatever will be will be, and there is a reason for it we just cant see it yet. Take this chance to work on yourself a little too. I am sure that there are things you would like to change. But make sure you do them to make yourself better and happier, and not for your husband. If he notices and comes back that should just be a bonus.
I know how hard it is to lose your partner, lover, soulmate, best friend. My W was my world. Her finding OM destroyed me. But I can see what I did to contribute, and I am working on changing that. I understand that you miss him. It was always so easy to say `i missed you` when you didnt see each other for a day or a weekend, but now we really understand missing alot more. It is the small things too, you miss your husband in the evening. I miss the showers me and W took togehter after work, where we would chat about our days (wasnt good for the water bill mind you, so I am saving money now!)
If you want me to I will check back now and again. If you didnt like what I said then, I wont say anymore!
ITS GOING TO BE OK, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!!
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Guess I wanted to say, whenever you see your H, you dont need to be cool and aloof all the time. Show him your best side, show him what he will miss if he goes through with this. Backing off will make him curious, as will being happy and ok. Once his curiosty has been piqued start going in for the kill (slowly slowly). You attracted him once before, you can do it again. That is how I am approaching my sitch with W. I am just past the piqued curiosity now I think. If I screw this up I will have to go back to backing off. But not this time I think. I am noticing things I can do with her now that I couldnt a few weeks ago, patting her bum, few more hugs. No kisses yet. I slept with her a few hours last week as well back in our/her bed! Small step, but this is the game we are playing. And look at it this way, if you get over this, you will be able to handle anything else that ever happens to you and H! It will all be small potatoes in comparison!
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Jen, to answer your question about the control pattern, I have to just focus on making myself happy. Just like I said in my post. I can't be responsible for H's happiness....he can't be responsible for mine. I have to find that on my own. If he chooses to share in my happiness, that is great. If he doesn't, oh well, it doesn't change my happiness. All I can do for him is contribute to his happiness. I can't MAKE him happy.
Steve, I'm hoping the DBing gets easier. It seemed easy yesterday when H was here. I didn't feel like I was faking it. It felt good to be able to have a normal happy conversation with him. I am definitely taking advantage of the weight loss. I look and feel better too. Other people are starting to take notice. I'm finding that it feels good to smile too. Even if I force one, it tends to become real. As for the kids, I haven't tried to get a sitter when they are with me. I really want to spend as much time with them as possible. As hard as this is for me, it is harder for them. They are too young to understand why Daddy left. H has the kids this weekend, so I am focusing on me. I went to visit a good friend this afternoon, and tonight I am going out with another friend. I think it would surprise H to know that I am going out and having a good time without him. The time H has to himself is being spent with family right now. He is staying at his grandmother's house. He is moving into an apartment this week, so I think he is going to get a better perspective on what this will really be like. I think a 3 bedroom apartment by himself is going to get awfully lonely. I really feel like I am becoming the woman H fell in love with. Whether he notices it or not is inconsequential at this point. I really like who I used to be. I want to be that person again, for me. Definitely check back in with me. Your post has made me feel pretty good. Thank you.
I'm meeting some friends at a club tonight. I am so nervous! I haven't been out without H in forever. I don't even know how to act! Wish me luck guys. I just need to get out of the house so I don't go stir crazy.
