Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. I really need all I can get right now just to hold things together. They weren't kidding when they said this was going to be a long, rough ride.
Well, I haven't responded to W's e-mails as of yet. I'll get to them sometime this weekend. When, I'm not sure, but I will respond to her, especially since she was being nice (for once) in one of her exchanges. However, I'll be sure to keep things at a very minimum and let her know as little as necessary.
Ok, last night around 10 I get this random text from W:
Quote:
Not as happy as I am without you.
That was it. That is the only thing that came through and I hadn't sent anything. I don't know what spurred her to send it, but it stung and hurt nonetheless.
W seems to keep baiting and baiting me at every turn. I didn't reply and I won't take her bait, but the fact she is still so angry and so mean is very difficult to take.
I want to keep DBing, but man, is it tough. The DR book says believe nothing of what you read and 50% of what you hear (or is it the other way around?), but it is very hard to callous yourself to this type of communication.
I will be dropping off D to her later this afternoon, so I'll need to be sure I'm clean-shaven, dressed up a bit, and cheerful. I'll have to do my best acting job b/c I really want to see her and have her be nice to me. I'll need to make sure I'm acting "as if" she's glad to see me too.
Big hurdle to clear today. I'll see if I can pull it off, and let you know.
Hey RTL - I'm still following along. you seem to be really getting your "ducks in a row." I'm with nut on the emails - I wouldn't even acknowledge anything that didn't have to do with your d. She baits you at every turn about everything. I think you need to really go dark - completely. If it's about your D respond, if it isn't, don't. She couldn't care less about the house - she left it. She willingly walked away. She couldn't care less about her stuff - she walked away. Who does that? Someone that doesn't care, that's who. Don't believe anything she says or anything she writes - you can only believe her actions and they are speaking loud and clear...just my opinion.
In regard to the text message, I don't think it was intended for you, quite honestly. I think she accidentally sent it to you...doesn't make sense any other way. If she wanted to zing you she would have. And you wouldn't walk away from the text thinking, wth? She's clear with you when she wants to be. It sounds like she was responding to someone.
I hope you are enjoying your day with your D. I think you might be getting to see her more and more. This parenting eval thing seems to be working in your favor. Hang in there! YOu are doing well.
Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
RTL, I have been reading your posts and I think a very sad part of this , is that any funds you and your W could walk away with will be eaten up by legal fees. It is absurd because it doesn't sound like there is much to fight over. Your W is throwing away money just for spite. She thinks you spent wastefully, well even if you did, what would she like the court to do about it??? Punish you? The court will not care about money spent during the marriage unless you had some hidden funds in a Swiss bank or something. It sounds like she is just mad she will not have more money to fund her new life. There is nothing you can do if she insists on involving the court to allocate your "fortune" . Too bad she couldn't deal with a mediator and leave it st that. At this point I really agree with everyone, you must ignore her for right now. She is driving up the legal costs and maybe you should ask for some money for legal fees she caused by being unwilling to be reasonable and fighting over a few dollars. And why should you just "give" the house away, it would be better to fix it up and try to hold for a better market. If your W cared about anyone other than herself she would realize that one day your D will need college money and perhaps you could put some away from the sale of the house. It seems like the smartest thing you can do is try to but her out as soon as possible. Good Luck
I am also thinking it wasn't meant for me, but it still made me think and shook me up a bit.
As for contacting her, I'm going to settle our household items w/ her w/out the L's involved to save costs. I think I can pretty much give her most of what she's asking for b/c ultimately I'm making out very well. My L told me to do it if I could b/c it will be less for him to worry about.
Otherwise, I'm going dark. I'll communicate about D stuff and some basic decisions we have to make about the house, but nothing else. I miss her, but I need her to not be a part of my every day life when she is this angry.
I just met w/ another realtor who said we don't have to replace the roof, but may need to once we sell (or adjust the price). However, he did say we need to spend a couple of thousand dollars on painting, interior fixes, cleaning the carpets, landscape touch-ups, etc, but otherwise won't need to do a lot of heavy financial lifting to get it market ready. The problem is I either need W to agree to release our equity line to pay for these items or agree to split them w/ me either up front or after the sale. If she balks at either of those options, I'll be looking to buy her out and see for myself what I can do w/ the house.
Thanks for following along, EM. I really apprecaited your opinions on my sitch.
I'm hoping to not have to give the house away. I know W isn't thinking rationally, but I'm determined to dig in and keep it if I can.
I think it is very ironic that W claims I've stolen money from us and squandered it knowingly while she is willing to chuck away thousands of dollars in equity by selling our house quickly in a very, very depressed market. Who is the economically unsound one now?
I also took your advice and fired off an e-mail to my L asking if we should look for her to pay some of my costs b/c she is the one who is unreasonable and saying "no" to all of my middle-of-the-road compromise proposals. I'm interested to hear what L says.
Thanks for that tid bit. I'll let you all know how it turns out.
RTL, At this point as far as your DBing goes, I think if your W is going to come back she will no matter what you do. It sounds like she does not trust or believe and blames you for all that is lacking in her life. She makes things up in her mind and is convinced they are true. Actually it sounds like she is fighting the divorce more than moving it forward. She sounds so conflicted. She wants a D but wants you to provide for her. Amazing, because she is the one who left. Save the text she sent even if you think it was not intended for you. The word harassment comes to mind. The junk about Din your bed is usually pulled by women who are fighting a D and want to scare their H's into coming back.Like saying, if you D me, I will see to it that you lose the child. Hopefully for your D's sake, your W is going to a therapist.
Just amazed that you are still able to remember that you love your W in spite of how she's acting right now. Just goes to show what a wonderful man you are.
Sounds like your tests were tough.. glad for you that they are behind you. I'm sure you did well.. and you were honest so that's what matters the most.
Regarding your house. I think if you could buy her out.. and then hang onto it for a while and sell it when the market improves.. and then make huge money.. it would be SOOOOOO fantastic. You need something to go your way for a change!
I'm anxious to see how your L responds to your most recent query. Hopefully with good news for you.
W2G
PS. Your D is so lucky to have a daddy like you! I think a lot of other Daddy's would have walked away instead of enduring like you are.
I really don't know what her plan is right now. She's angry, angry, angry. In fact, she just called me at 7 to complain that she got a letter from Qwest about "her" account and was upset b/c she said "I thought you took me off all accounts." I had called Qwest, but they still had her on. She'll need to call them herself, I guess. In any event, it is just another thing that is "my fault" with her.
I tried to call at 7:30, but she didn't pick up, so I sent a text asking her to have D call me. D called a few minutes later, said "I love you dad" and when I started to ask her about her evening, she said "goodnight" then hung up. I don't know if she was interested in something else or being coached. In any event, that was my evening talk w/ my D. Depressing.
So that is what I know for now. I came home this evening and answered all of W's e-mails so I should get some response from her sometime soon. I think I was pretty neutral, but who really knows w/ my W these days.
I'll keep hanging on for now and I really don't think I can do much DBing right now. I'm trying to re-read the DR book, but I keep getting discouraged b/c of how my W is acting. We'll see and I'll keep trudging along. However, tonight is a bit rough.
