I've come to some pretty big realizations over the past few days, and I want to share them here. In order to fully share, I need to explain some background...
My parents divorced when I was 5yo. My dad remarried within a year. His wife had 2 children still living with her (4 kids total), but the 2 that lived with her were the same ages as my sister and me. Within a year of their marriage they moved several states away from us. I didn't find out until high school that his wife wanted the move so they could get away from us and start their life fresh. She was VERY threatened by my sister and me. For the past 26 years I have seen very little of my dad. I would visit him for a week in the summer during school, and that was all I saw of him. He would call every 3 - 4 months to talk to us. It was EXTREMELY painful for me. I could not understand why my dad would just walk away like that.
I have always known that my fear of abandonment had a huge effect on my relationships, but I never really saw it as clearly as I do now. I have been married twice, and I now realize I am repeating the same mistakes I have always made. I am so afraid that my loves will leave me that I hold onto them as tightly as I possible can. Eventually, that desperate clinging starts to smother any love that I have. I can only imagine the kind of stress that puts on a husband. I am trying to learn to let go of my hold on H. I cannot control him, and I can't MAKE him love me. He has to choose that path for himself. I was listening to a CD of Joel Osteen (minister) yesterday, and one of the things he said REALLY hit home with me. He said that when we hold onto the things we have SO tightly it is impossible to maintain happiness. God cannot give more gifts to someone with a closed fist. You have to let loose of the things you have so that you can have an open hand to receive more blessings. I don't know how spiritual everyone on here is, but that makes sense to me on a more practical level as well...not just spiritually. If I would just let go of my hold on H, perhaps I could find my own happiness that didn't have anything to do with him.
I also spoke with my counselor about my issues with my dad the other day. I have always had this thought in my head that something is wrong with me. This feeling that I was not worthy of love. What did I do wrong that my own dad and 2 husbands did not want to stay with me. She asked me (regarding my relationship with my dad) what I personally could have done to change that situation. Was there anything I could have done to make him not move away and distance himself. I told her that I was a child, and that there was nothing I could have done. She then said that I have to realize that if there was nothing I could do to fix it, then there was nothing I could have done to cause it. I have to realize that my dad leaving had nothing to do with me, and it was about him and his own pain. Then she said I need to come to those realizations about my exH and current WAH. There decisions are not about me. They are about themselves. I cannot make them happy (I think this is in DR). Their personal happiness is their responsibility. I can contribute to their happiness, but I cannot control it.
I am really coming to some BIG steps in my own personal growth. I am so glad to finally see my past relationships with fresh eyes. I feel like I have always viewed my relationships through the eyes of a child, that 5yo girl whose dad left her. I am now looking at my past through the eyes of an adult. I don't want to be that desperate woman who is longing for happiness in a relationship. I want to be the strong woman who is happy on her own, but is open to more happiness if it happens. Open hands here, no more closed fists.
If you have read this far, congratulations! Thanks for letting me get this out.
