Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[Grace_O]

lmg,

If and when he moves out, you do get to set boundaries as to his coming there to visit, keep his stuff etc. I think it's different for everybody. For example, I don't have a problem (for now) with H coming here to visit D's on Sunday's. I use it as my day to go out and recharge. Should this change for me (or him) it is to be communicated. I know I will, not to sure he would say sh!t if he had a mouthful. It is something I get to decide as far as him coming and visiting here (he moved 60 miles away, his choice). For the moment it's ok, don't know that it will continue to be. This is our (mine and D's) home now. I get to set the rules. It is not unreaonable for you to want and expect privacy in your home.

While I know how crazy making all of this is, you have time to decide what you need/want if he leaves.

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

I have a sinus infection and the most painful sore throat. I asked H to drive me to the doctor today and he did; the old him would have offered to do that and would have brought me soup and cared for me. These constant reminders of his lack of feeling for me are just killing me.

I am also obsessed with the fact that he now initiates NO affection at all. I still do at times, but it is becoming humiliating. I want to tell him he can't share my bed if he refuses to touch me, but that seems like bad DBing. I think if he remains hell-bent on separating, then it's probably good for me to get used to no affection from him. I'm sure that is what he is thinking. But it's so lonely. What do I do? Asking him to sleep in a different bed or sofa will raise immediate alarm bells for the kids and since the reality is that we can't afford for him to move out soon, we're not ready to tell them anything.

[Grace_O]

I still do at times, but it is becoming humiliating.

Then stop. Do not beg. You are worth more than that.

If he wasn't sharing your bed, would you be going out to find another lover? Back when I was a kid it was no big deal to have to share a bed. Heck in my Mom's day if a beau came to visit and needed to stay b/c of distance they still stitched them into the bed (no extras with 9 kids and usually 3 to a bed). I know it was a different time. I know how badly you want the affection. It's a decision you have to come to yourself. What will work for you? What do you think would happen if you asked him to sleep somewhere else? I hear the fear in your words. Let it out here.

I understand about telling the kids and raising alarms, but they probably already (each in their own way) know something is up.

I don't have the answers for you. If I did I would have used them myself.

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

When I do kiss or hug H, it's partially out of habit (still). I tend to do it in front of the kids, I suppose to show them that I'm not the one withdrawing affection. It's a little manipulative--or you could call it acting as if-- but it makes me feel better to continue to show H I still love him than to pull away completely, like he's doing. I also continue to call him sweetie and other pet names from time to time.

I was grocery shopping this morning and imagining how awful it will be if we separate, but I run into him at the store or on the street. He wants to live as close to the kids as possible, so that will be unavoidable. The whole thing feels like a nightmare. I wish I could accept this, forgive and let go, but boy is that stuff easier said than done.

[Nature Girl]

lmg,

I know what you mean about lack of affection. I have never considered asking my H to sleep in the guest room because of the kids. He sleeps on his side and I sleep on mine. It really sucks. Especially every once in awhile his foot will accidently hit mine or vice versa and you would think he just touched a hot stove! He pulls away that quick!!!

Come to think of it, I think H rubbed my leg last night?!?!? Maybe I was dreaming, or if I wasn't dreaming, he probably was.

Anyway, the weird thing is that now my kids are both sleeping in our room with us. S9 started coming into our bed in the middle of the night, but now he just pretty much starts there (except last night, he was on the floor and not between us so it IS possible that H rubbed my leg - hmmmmm). And now my D11 is sleeping on our floor every night!

Show your H you love him in very subtle ways...give him your full attention when he talks to you and look him directly in the eyes (even if he won't look at you). As hard as it is, show him that you are strong. The kisses and hugs you give him out of habit, may be interpreted as pressure by him. You've got to remove all pressure, but still show the love subtly.

I know its hard, and it is so frustrating that we don't get a response to the love we show, but it is what we need to do. Someday, in a way we may not even realize right now, it will pay off!

(((hugs)))

[newnamenewlife]

I'm starting to get really cynical about the whole MLC thing. Even if my H is having a MLC, does it matter? Does it make what he's saying or doing any less real or valid? I guess I've been thinking that if it's MLC it will pass like toddlerhood or adolescence does and everything will be fine in the end. I've been using it to make myself feel less culpable and to keep myself in denial about Hs determination to leave, hoping he will "wake up" and come back to me.

Everyone talks about "the script" and it's true that so many of our Hs have said and done the same kinds of things. But people also follow a "script" when they fall in love or propose or take wedding vows or become love-struck teenagers. I'm not sure how the notion of the script is supposed to be comforting.

I guess I'm trying really hard to face that my M is really ending and sometimes it seems like the many explanations for why our Hs have done this are simply there to reassure us that it's fake or laughable. If H says he isn't in love with me anymore, maybe that is just the ugly truth and I need to face it. Why would he say it if it isn't true? My H has said some out-of-character things and behaved selfishly, but he's not as far gone as many of the Hs out there. There's no OW, he's still a devoted dad, feels so sorry for doing this to me, etc. If he was acting completely nutso, it would be easier to doubt the things he's said.

[cw68]

LMG, my H is like your H, though he did have an EA last year. I think it's partly MLC, but by no means a full-blown MLC. And no, it doesn't matter.

However, I've found myself thinking that he really does have a lot of grounds for disappointment/unhappiness in our relationship. Of course, I think he's blown it way out of proportion and dealt with it poorly, but that's a whole separate issue. He's said things that no one should say to another person, but then again, so have I.

So I'm working on me regardless of what his reasons for f-ing up our family may be. I'll be a better person, perhaps better enough for him to snap out of it and realize that I, the kids and our family are worth fighting for. If not, then I'm a better person and I know that I did everything I could to make things work.

[newnamenewlife]

Grr. I am so pissed right now. I am beginning to feel like a doormat. H&I and our Ds went over to friends' house for dinner. We had a great time, he and I bantering and making each other laugh as usual. But he remains so icy cold towards me and he is so self-riteous and has a mean streak he never used to have.

D11 got upset about something and he got all angry at her--which was somewhat justified since she was being bratty and whiny. She accused him of being "so mean" and I muttered under my breath at him: "she's got that right." No one else heard me, but him. I was really referring to how I feel he's been so mean to me, but he didn't catch on. I wish I hadn't said that, but I feel so mistreated by him lately. I guess I shouldn't expect him to be sweet to me when he's hell-bent on separating and insists he doesn't love me. He is, I suppose, now using his actions to justify his words.

I put the girls to bed and now it is taking all my strength not to go upstairs and tell him that if he continues to treat me like this--no touching, warmth or affection when I am for the most part perfectly nice--he should get out immediately. I want to DB and I will remain cool and won't say anything, but at what point am I being a martyr? Our friends (H&W) are so sweet and affectionate toward one another and H sits there refusing to touch me. It's humiliating! Why am I holding on to him at all??

OK, thanks--needed to vent.

[Nature Girl]

lmg,

just keep venting here and don't let it out on your H.

read more about mlc, even if you've read it again. It is so hard to comprehend how they can act like this and have these non-feelings for us, but reading about it from people who have been there does help me keep my compassion. (the Conways are good, and I was just reading Jed Diamond's stuff yesterday)

Read Happy Agains posts too.

(((hugs)))

[Grace_O]

lmg,

I know you want affection from him, but other than not giving it to you what exactly is he doing that's mean?

I'm asking this b/c I got into a place where b/c H didn't talk to me much and was so icy cold, I took that as being mean. In truth if it was someone else I was close to and they treated me this way (and weren't talking about it), I'd back off and give them space. I'd tell them when they were ready to talk to call me, then I'd let it go. I think in my case my perception of "mean" was just making me more miserable. It's not like he was really doing anything (except leaving). Changing my thinking really helped.

I hope today goes better for you. HUGS