I've been in Newcomers since mid February, husband moved out shortly there after.
We both came into the marriage with unresolved issues from frightening childhoods. The love we felt went from tips of my toes to the ends of my hair. We've been together 26 years, married 25 (in April), with three children, S22, S17, D13. We decided I'd be a stay at home mom two years after our first was born while he focused on his career. We had great fun, great closeness and trust in each other.
Very rarely was life calm.. huge upsets at work, unexpected health issues, traumas in the families, acting out son, lingering post partum depression, commuting globally to work, deaths, divorces, divisive in-laws,very long hours at work, over focus on children, losing ourselves to our jobs, frightening unexplained illness with D13.. something was always on our plate. We excelled during a crisis, then the sense of connection would fade.
We'd point fingers at the other..
H - the house is a mess, the bills aren't paid, you get lost on the internet, your weight makes you unattractive to me.
Me - you withdraw emotionally, you don't want to touch me, nothing I do is ever good enough, I didn't get married to be a roommate.
When we worked together, the results were astounding. When trying to help each other didn't work.. our respective advice/suggestions make the other defensive and/or shut down.
I would seek counseling, he had disdain for it and wouldn't go, even when I said I thought our issues were greater than our ability to solve them on our own.
I'm learning it's no longer my place to try and figure out why he went from being married, to saying he was miserable, to moving out and filing divorce papers in less than a month.
It is what it is.
Whether he checked out years ago, found someone else, is going through a MLC, wasn't worth his time or interest to work together
It is what it is.
I'm learning that I have to choose between being the mom and being a task master with my children. With the scant amount of time H chooses to spend with them (one hour a week), what do they need more.. a narc, a foreman, a parent who's there.
It is what it is.
I always work on putting a bright spin on things, looking for the silver lining and probably not enough time feeling.
I need to find the balance between being controlling and wallowing. Although I'm very flexible with others, I get stuck at times in stark WHITE and BLACK when it comes to me.
I have to learn to take care of me. I like other folks doing that, it's a whole lot tougher to figure out how to do it on my own.
Anyway.. we've been separated for a month. Now what?
*hugs*
PS.. don't ask me where "Strong like Marshmallow" came from.. the image has just been in my head. It makes me laugh and shake my head (or cry) at the same time.
