my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

my crazy mess!

The above is a link to my first thread. I have a current thread also in newbies, titled my crazy mess #2!! The title fits for me, as most days that is what I am!!LOL

I will give a synopse of my story! Married, happy (weren't we all) after 2 years things went downhill and they went there like a snowboard on speed! I put myself in IC, went on meds, thought it would help...it didn't. Things just got worse. Finally, my H, helped to put the icing on the cake. He was at a party, drunk and got a ride to another party from his exgirlfriend, normally, I would probably be upset;however, I was home sober if he needed a ride, and they text messaged each other back and forth all night. From that point on, I was gone. Our marriage was already in shambles, now what little faith I had in him was out the door, and trust, well that too, was down the toilet. So the following January, while he was on vacation, I packed the house and our 3 dogs and moved. He begged, pleaded, we did go to counseling, but then the phone bill came. He was texting the exgirlfriend again....so I filed for D. I am by no means saying I have been an angel. I know that I b@tched over many petty things, when he needed a friend, I wasn't there, and we fought about money constantly. Money was huge between us, mainly because I had inherited some money when my parents died and kept that part of my life to myself, I held onto to it with all of might.

I bought a house in a town 25 miles away from him. I stopped thinking about things for a while. Then he slowly started coming back into my thoughts, but not in an angry way anymore. I started thinking about him the way I used to. I started to remember the good times instead of the fights. I started to remember talking to him at the end of a long work day. The good things. So I called him, he agreed to meet for a drink, I told him I would like to work on things. I've never seen a reaction like the one he made that night. I don't know if he even knew, should I cry, or should scream.

So now I will bring you to the present. As all of that was last year. We stopped all legal action on our divorce, that was done last May. We have seen each other on and off since then, and text on and off as well. I know what I have done, and how much I hurt him, but I did say vows "better or worse" and I do want to do all that I can, with the help of God, to honor those words. I truly believe in my H's heart he's hurt and scared and doesn't know what to do, so I am attempting to do all I can, to show him the changes that I have made within myself. I am no longer a mean angry monster. I am trying hard each day to live for that day. I am seeing the world in color, not just black and white....what I mean by that is this. I wanted everything just so, perfect house, perfect husband, white picket fence, no speed bumps down our road. Life is full of color, and without seeing that, I missed so many things. I tried to be a perfectionist, in an unperfect world.

I am here to get advice from anyone that is willing to give. I believe we are all here for the same reason, to become better people, because when we become better people, our S's will see that, and hopefully our R/M's will succeed.

That's my story...or at least the synopsis!!!
take care,
Christa