Oh my goodness!!!! Well, good things happened today in my life:
-I had a great cello lesson with my teacher. She was EXTREMELY engaged and attentive and helpful. I am not sure what is -happening but that relationship is really blossoming. It has been another yearning of my heart for so long to have a better relationship with her and it is working. We were supposed to meet for an hour, we went for two hours because we had so much to talk about!
-I went to step aerobics for the first time since FEBRUARY. It felt awesome to do cardio!
-Went to yin yoga right afterwards... it is very meditative, lying on the floor, unlocking blocked energy. It brings up a lot of emotional stuff and I spent a lot of time silently crying during the class. (This happened all through October too). But I just tried to embrace the feelings, not analyze or narrate.
-Made some pizza dough!! You know!! The usual!!
Other than that... it has been crazy emotional in my mind. At some times I feel completely normal, like nothing has changed at all. Which is extremely weird. But also, I have felt some anger and frustration that I didn't even feel around bomb time. It occured to me *for the first time* today that the way B handled the situation around bomb time was REALLY crappy to me. I think I am afraid to look too much at those feelings because I might lose my resolve to continue and get lost in disgust over that time. I don't want the Distorted and False image of Crazy Bomb Time B to replace the real image of True and Loving B that I know is hidden somewhere inside, the person I know and still love. Are these feelings normal?
I am still wondering what comes next. Right now it seems good to wait at least a week. But I am completely open to other suggestions. A good friend of mine pointed out that I shouldn't let it go toooo long, because I don't want to make it seem like it was just a passing whim that I called. Somehow I want to gently demonstrate my interest in really having a friendship.
I have a good viola playing friend who needs advice about grad school, and most of B's friends are actually viola players. It would be a completely legitimate excuse for me to contact and ask him for their contact information... they are all acquaintances of mine, but I don't know exactly where they're at or if the info I have is up to date. So that would be an excuse for a phone call.
We can brainstorm and then vote in favor!
I want to thank you all so much for PUSHING me. If you hadn't told me to JUST CALL HIM, and then held my hand while I prepared for worst case scenarios, I probably would have procrastinated forever. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!
