Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

What's strange about my H is that he never wanted to let go of me, always tried to tell me he wanted to come home & was working on M. Each time I found out he was still seeing OW, he would tell me he's sorry, tell me it's really over this time, tell me he didn't want her, he wanted me, ask me to give him another chance. He even came over once in the summer (shortly after Aug '07 bomb) wearing his wedding band! I hadn't seen the thing in well over a year at that point. After each discovery, H pursued me until I started to believe in him again, then BOOM, I found out again. This happened four times. I guess that was the MLC confusion/craziness in full bloom. In Dec '07 (two mos after Oct '07 bomb) H started acting suspicious again - I started going nutty again and that's when I realized that I needed to detach in a big way. It took me until Jan '08, and it took reading about MLC to truly get my mind around the detaching thing, even though I'd been trying since about Mar '07 when he moved out.

But all along H has always spent a lot of time wondering what I was doing, who I was with, asking me questions, sometimes not calling me for days, other times acting paranoid if he couldn't reach me by phone at lunchtime (I often work out on my lunch; H knows that). I don't think he ever had his car checked for tracking devices, though (LOL).

Funny, you never mentioned you had been talking to your old friend. Are you sure you aren't risking EA? I think about that myself sometimes, so I never talk about my sitch w/ another man - I don't want to be vulnerable w/ another man unless or until I know it's over w/ my H, either for me or for him. It's too much of a slippery slope & I don't know that I would be strong enough to keep myself from sliding down into an EA or PA. But I'm not preaching to you - your W wants a D. I just recall you saying once that you didn't want to drag anyone else into your sitch and hurt them.

If you really do want your W back, don't you think you need to stay focused on her needs and your needs, and not be distracted by your friend's needs. I'm saying this in the nicest possible way b/c I know what it feels like to be rejected and lonely and missing your S. I don't cry at night anymore, but my KS bed still feels much, much too big and empty.

I know the hard work will start if/when my H moves back. And some of those bad feelings and memories are already starting to resurface for me. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious for it to be resolved, for him to decide, so that I can work on getting rid of those bad feelings one way or another and move forward. I've got a Pandora's Box of them, I'm beginning to realize! And maybe that's helping me detach and gather the strength I need to be able to tell H to figure it out b/c I want to get on w/ my life w/ or w/out him. As I mentioned, I feel that the time is nearing for that conversation, and I don't want to waffle. Call it a modified LRT, if you will, but maybe that's what my H needs to finally get his head out of his a$$.

Today I had lunch w/ someone I used to work with - a very nice man that I could only ever be friends w/ (kindof a big brother I never had). It was fun, we laughed and joked & it was all very innocent. I suppose there's always that chance that he may feel something more, but I would never acknowledge that and would hate to think that is true. I have always had trouble making friends & letting people get close to me (maybe I just never trusted them enough) but now I want to allow myself to be friends w/ people that I get along w/, be they men or women. Today I kept thinking that if my H knew about my lunch date, he would immediately come to the conclusion that there was more to it than just friendship. So I'd like to ask you honestly, can a man be friends w/ an attractive woman w/out thinking about sex or a potential R? I guess I'm just trying to keep myself out of potential entanglements while still trying to save my M (as I mentioned, I am very sensitive to attention).

Or maybe this is not a gender specific phenomenon - maybe all men and all women are constantly at some level (perhaps subconsciously) window shopping and when our primary R is not meeting our needs, that's when we are at risk for an A. I remember reading on another site, Marriage Builders I think, that you should never trust your S and stop working on your M or R, taking it for granted, assuming that nothing would cause your S to stray. It was a bit of an eye opener for me.

By the way, my current favorite wine is Liberty School Cab - it goes really well w/ steak (can you eat those yet?) Today at lunch I had a lovely seared Tuna salad w/ a fennel crust. I'm thinking about food again - have you had your pizza nite yet? You said you had fixed the ceiling, so what are you waiting for? Might be a great time to invite W over so she can spend time w/ your S's!!

You must hate my posts - they're so damn long! But I am very verbal and my D is exactly the same. You have no idea what a HUGE HUGE HUGE 180 it is for me NOT to talk to H about R!! I'm really proud of myself, but I often feel like a pressure cooker about to explode! That's what my thread is for - and I don't mind if no one reads it, but I am grateful at least one person does.

FA