Well 2 nights ago H also rang again. It was about the work that needed to be done, and checking that I had prepared things for him. I got to be a bit mysterious (I was getting my car serviced) - but I got to say that I was out and he was curious.
I was happy, funny and we laughed lots. I've also been exhausted because my smoke alarms were going off in the middle of the night for no reason. I asked H what he thought I should do - he is so good at things like that, and thats how he has always shown he cares for me. So straight away he rang the electrician and organised for him to come and check the smoke alarms, and told me what I should do to stop them immediately etc. etc. He's so clever with practical things, but zero emotional intelligence!!! Ha Ha!
So yesterday he's been and done the work. He left a short note, very business like, on my kitchen table. I wonder what it was like for him to be back at home? I hope he noticed the little changes I've made around home.
So not sure if I should call him this morning and say that the works looks good, or if I just leave it at that?!? He will be coming around in a few weeks time to finish it off. I'm hesitant to call him too much, because he really could have used the work as an excuse to see me if he had wanted to (but obviously he didnt).
Why do I write such long posts about nothing!?! I'm off for a new haircut and colour!
Well 2 nights ago H also rang again. ..... I got to be a bit mysterious (I was getting my car serviced) - but I got to say that I was out and he was curious. I was happy, funny and we laughed lots.
Brilliant- that sounds like a great interaction, abd it's good that H called again. Presumably he didn't have to check if you'd got things ready for him did he? So I thin that's pretty positive!
Originally Posted By: Essie
.... and thats how he has always shown he cares for me. So straight away he rang the electrician and organised for him to come and check the smoke alarms, and told me what I should do to stop them immediately etc. etc.
I think this is FABULOUS! He sorted things out so quickly, and did things that he's always done to show he cares about you. Were you pleased? I think that's really exciting!!
Originally Posted By: Essie
He's so clever with practical things, but zero emotional intelligence!!! Ha Ha!
I'm not really good at this stuff but wanted to pull this out because I thought it was interesting. How would H demonstrate EI if he had it? I wasn't sure how EI would manifest itself (probably because I don't have too much myself!!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
So not sure if I should call him this morning and say that the works looks good, or if I just leave it at that?!? He will be coming around in a few weeks time to finish it off. I'm hesitant to call him too much, because he really could have used the work as an excuse to see me if he had wanted to (but obviously he didnt).
I would definitely call him and say you thought the work looked good. Does H normally appreciate those kinds of words of affirmation/you appreciating his hard work? I think it's really nice of him to make the time to come and do the work, so I think it'd be nice to show appreciation.....if his LL is acts of service, his definitely showing he loves you by doing stuff for you!
You've also mentioned that you're hesitant to call too much. Have you been calling him at all? I think I'm confused- I didn't think you'd been calling that much Essie (?). Sorry if I am . But if I'm not, would it hurt to call once? Put another way, what behaviour on H's part might encourage you to call him? Again, sorry if I've totally got the wrong end of the stick. I've read that reconnection begins with re-establishing friendship, and from that POV, if my H had come and done some stuff for me, I would definitely thank him because I'd definitely thank a friend who'd done the same....
Originally Posted By: Essie
Why do I write such long posts about nothing!?! I'm off for a new haircut and colour!
I don't think the interaction with H was nothing. It was a good baby step (and the post wasn't that long at all-look at the length of this one!). I vote for reciprocating and calling him. It could lead to a bit more contact, friendship and maybe more.....
How are you getting your hair done? What colour? So exciting- can't wait to hear how it looks!
Essie! Lisa asked me to check in! I haven't read the whole back story, but I think that if he got the work done you should call and think him. Not over the top, just let him know you appreciate it. Even in all of this, we are all still human! Politeness counts!
Thank you! From what you've written I've sort of had a light bulb moment. But I want to check what you think. I'm so 100% certain that pursuing my H caused him to run faster in the other direction.... I thought that I was doing the right thing (entire marriage) but actually I just made him feel trapped and I was less attractive because I came across as clingy. So when I read DB (and other books on similar themes) and realised where I had gone wrong, I was very motivated to never show pursuing behaviour again. I'm all about attracting him back to me.
BUT I guess what you guys are saying is that connecting with him in a friendship way is not pursuing. Hmmm I guess I have to think about this and define what is pursuing and what is just friendly and polite.
So my compromise was to send a short text message thanking him and I said that the work he did looked good.
My intuition is saying that 2 phone calls in 2 days - he will definitely pull away now, so I'm not expecting any response to my text.
I think that is about right. Very short, no leading toward, r expectation of a response. I can see why you would be a bit worried that it is pursuit like, but it doesn't feel like it to me. Pursuing is contact for no reason, that asks about him, tells about you, and expects a response. All you did here was complete an existing transaction. My view is that even in the worst situation we should still be able to say thank you.
You've gotten such good advice already! I just want to say it sounds great that you were able to be mysterious (and taking care of your car by yourself-- that would be a 180 for *me*), and H showed that he cared by fixing problems so quickly! I'm with everyone else, just say thank you for helping me out. I mean, he makes contact, and then, he's in your house fixing things?! That sounds like a big change.
I think I have the same conundrum with understanding the difference between pursuing and just being friendly. I'm just realizing that I wasn't really taking B's feelings into account when I put so much distance between us so fast for so long. But I probably needed to get to this point in myself before I could have this realization!!!
Thank you so much for all of your support and advice, Essie!!
Well H did text me back - to say that he wanted to come around tomorrow with his mate (my next door neighbour) to look at some stuff to do with the work that he is doing. Yay - I think its an excuse (after all he was only here yesterday doing the work - not like he's forgotten something).
Just as well my hair is looking great - I hope tomorrow is a good face day too! Last time I saw H was before Xmas (gee time flies when you're having fun!)
